Author: lovingbrielle

Happy Five Month’s Brielle

~ lovingbrielle ~ 1 Comment

image

It’s been twenty weeks since Brielle died. It’s been forty weeks since Brielle was diagnosed with anencephaly. She’s on my mind constantly. Sometimes I’m numb. And all I can think of is her existence. Sometimes I want to curl in a ball and cry my eyes out. Sometimes I feel like this was all a dream. Her life was so short, our time together was so short, and I feel lost.

I’m a mom, but my daughter is missing and it feels so strange. So wrong. Empty. I can’t fully handle the weight of her loss. If I let myself think about her absence, my chest tightens and I have trouble breathing. I need to hold her. It’s not supposed to be like this. Babies aren’t supposed to die. They’re supposed to go home. They’re supposed to have loving families. They’re supposed to grow up. They’re supposed to do a lot of things, but supposed to rarely happens. I don’t know why I thought my baby would be exempt.

Brielle had such a positive impact. She changed my life. Life with her was beautiful and I treasured every moment. But in the midst of my grief I have trouble finding the light. Life feels like it’s swallowing me whole and how do I talk about that? I don’t want to drag others into my grief.

David and I have lost so much in the past twenty weeks. I’ve kept quiet about it, because I’m not sure what’s right to share anymore. I’ve lost my confidence. I feel off. Like I’ve been thrown into a hamster wheel and shoved down a hill. I feel battered, disoriented, and lost. I have always shared my true feelings and thoughts, but now I don’t know how to.

I’m extremely introspective and introverted. Because of this, I’m not skilled with verbal communication, at least in regards to my feelings. I write, because I want people to know the truth. I write because Brielle deserved to be loved and known (and she was, she was loved more than I could have ever hoped or imagined).

But now? I don’t know how to be honest and please others. I do not please others at the expense of myself, but I will endure suffering to spare others from pain or heartache. I’m afraid. I’m afraid of writing about the pain I’m feeling now. I’m afraid of sharing the grief David and I deal with. I don’t like being afraid. I want to work through my pain, but I don’t know how to. I don’t want to taint Brielle’s beautiful memory with my embittered grief. And all I can think is, “It shouldn’t be like this.”

Brielle would be five months today. I can’t even imagine how much brighter the world would be if she had survived. Life would be wildly different.

Happy Easter!

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment
image
The three of us at the "Smilebooth" at church this morning.

I hope you all have a great Easter today. David, Brielle Bear, and I went to church this morning and we’re spending the day with David’s mom and his nephew, Matt.

image
All three of my girl's Easter baskets.

We make Easter baskets every year for Emmy and Rosie, our dog children, and we made one for Brielle this year too.

image

We filled Brielle’s basket with some of her favorite candy: Starbursts, Skittles, and Air Heads. And then we added some things for David and me too.

It’s been a bittersweet day for us. It has been very hard seeing other sweet little babies dressed up for the holiday, but at the same time because of Jesus’s sacrifice we can be with Brielle again and that is something to celebrate.

A Mother’s Love

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment
When we first received Brielle’s diagnosis and I began to look at images of anencephalic babies, I was scared. Babies with anencephaly are portrayed as monsters or frog like. They are displayed in graphic clinical settings. A google search of an anencephalic baby will leave you disgusted and horrified. And I was scared that maybe I wouldn’t love Brielle or I’d think she was ugly. Will anyone love my baby? The whole situation was terrifying and I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
 
I am a part of an anencephaly support group, I have been since Brielle was diagnosed. And fellow mothers share images of their sweet anen babies. In some of the pictures, the baby has passed and is lovingly cuddled or swaddled in special things just for that baby. Some pictures the baby is smiling, giggling, blowing bubbles, they’re happy, loved. It’s beautiful.
 
I find myself completely heartbroken and in love with everyone of these babies. They’re so perfect and these babies are so loved. Each one, has a story like Brielle’s, a story of love and hope, and trust in God. Each is special. They each had their own personalities, likes and dislikes. A lot of them were active and silly. Each one deserved a future.
 
And so it’s heartbreaking, because I know the pain the parents feel. I know how it hurts to guide your child into death. And it’s heartbreaking, because each baby I see reminds me that another will come and another will die. Each baby I see reminds me of the horrors I saw in the medical community regarding anencephaly. Each baby reminds me of the ignorance of our society, how cruel people can be towards these sweet innocent babies. And it shouldn’t be that way.
 
I can’t imagine a more purely beautiful baby. I need to make a difference for these babies, they deserve it. Brielle had a beautiful birth and loving support from See Baby and Dekalb Medical. The care and love we received is incredibly rare and it should be standard. These babies deserve to be valued and respected. They deserve to be loved by everyone, not just their parents.
 
I know now that I had nothing to worry about. I still can’t get over how perfect and beautiful Brielle was and is. I am so proud of her and I just want to show everyone how cute she was. Brielle, David, and I were blessed with incredible amounts of love and kindness. We’ve been (happily) overwhelmed and I am so grateful. I don’t know how yet, but I will find a way to share Brielle’s story and the love that you all shared with us. Brielle’s life is a story of hope and love, even in the darkest times, and it’s proof of how amazing anencephalic babies are and everyone needs to know how special they are.
97da07ebe69a9f7dfc2b718fde45c415

Brielle Bear’s First Sunday at Church!

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment
25594035815_2e5d706a0b_b
Daddy and Brielle Bear. He loves his little girl.
25567947286_e3b5319458_c
Selfie with mommy.

We brought Brielle in her urn bear to church on Sunday. I dressed her in one of the church outfits we’d bought her in October. I was so nervous, I thought it would be weird or we’d look ridiculous. But it felt right. David carried her in and we sat with some friends. We took turns holding her through the service. David wanted to hold her the most, he’d take her from me and would say, “It’s my turn to hold my little girl.” It was cute, he needed her there just as much as I did.

Our friends were very supportive and thought it was good. They’ve been very understanding and encouraging. And it was just nice. My arms didn’t ache as bad. I didn’t feel like I was falling apart. It felt right. It felt right, to bring her to the place she loved most.

David and I don’t have a grave site to visit or decorate. We have Brielle bear. And even though Brielle isn’t a part of this world, she still exists, and David and I are still parents. And we still need to parent her. We need to love her and celebrate her. And we’re still connected with her, so it’s not as simple as just saying, “She’s with God now” and moving on.

I don’t know what she sees. I don’t know what she knows. No one does. She loved God and church. She’d jump for joy when the pastor said, “Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.” She danced when we sang praise songs. So David and I feel it’s right to still bring her to church, she’d want that.

We still need to honor Brielle. We still need to celebrate her and acknowledge her. And we’ll figure out our way of doing that. I’m not going to apologize for remembering Brielle and I’m going to do what’s best for my family. And right now, bringing Brielle to church is what is best for us. If she can see us, I think it made her happy.