Author: lovingbrielle

Update

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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Sorry for the late replies to messages and the lack of posts recently. My mother-in-law (who has alzheimer’s) has been staying with us and we’ve been busy with house projects. I can’t leave her alone for long periods of time and she frequently needs entertaining (ideas on how to entertain her and give me free time would be appreciated, I’ve become her care giver). We’re in the process of moving her in and moving her things. It’s a strange process where we leave her alone for a few weeks and then she’s with us and then she isn’t…lol…the procrastinators way. 

Anyways, we are building five raised garden beds and will be starting a garden. I’m cleaning up the backyard because Emmy and Rosie have done their best to destroy it. They love to dig up dirt and eat it. Or dig holes in pursuit of some sort of animal. I really, really appreciate it.

I need a better office space. David has invaded mine. He had three offices. A computer closet in one of the guest bedrooms for light use, a computer opposite mine for gaming, and an entire computer lab in the basement. Well, he decided he needed to use more of my space, in other words, my entire craft table. So I’m building a cabinet system (Ikea hack) and taking away the three computer spaces and merging all of our stuff into one room. We all have to make sacrifices, David must sacrifice his computer lab and closet. I want my craft table back, dangit!

So we’ve been busy. I will also need to begin work on his mom’s house. The place kind of needs gutted and, being the happy interior decorator that I am, I am very excited for this challenge. Not so excited about the expense and work, but it has to be done. We will be using the house as a rental property, we didn’t know this, but David half owns it (he originally bought it then gave it to his mother). Never thought I’d accidentally find out I owned a house, but you learn something new every day.

I’m happily drawing up plans, the bathrooms need gutted, the flooring needs replaced. The kitchen is falling apart. I basically have a blank slate. The house has a traditional farmhouse feel, so I’m going for a more white look.

On that note, I’m creating a separate blog page for the Loving Brielle page. I am in the process of transferring over posts and organizing the posts. So if you visit the site, please know it is a work in progress. Once I get everything transferred and organized I’ll start posting more regularly and I’ll start posting more about the projects I’m doing, because I’ll be doing a lot.

I also realized I didn’t update you all on my checkups after I had Brielle. So I’ll update you guys on that and our future baby plans. I mean why not? I’ve told you guys everything else. I really hope you are all doing well, I’ve missed interacting with you all and will hopefully get more time soon.

Something’s Not Right

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Lily Allen wrote this song for her son that was stillborn and David and I feel like it describes what we’re both feeling and have felt since Brielle’s loss. David said this part reminds him of me while I held Brielle in the hospital. I’d never let her go or stop touching her, I didn’t want her to be alone.

“We had forever
We never got it together
I waited for you
For you I made it better
They kept telling me that it was unlikely
All I had to do was keep you beside me”

Our Trip to Arkansas

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment
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Brielle with her Papa. Side note, Grandma is not dead, but her marker is ready and waiting for her. We’ve all found this to be a little odd and uncomfortable, Grandma especially so.

 

Our trip to Arkansas the weekend of January 9, was a very nice trip. It was a short trip, but David and I were so happy to spend that time with my family. Everyone was so kind to us. As a family we went to see Papa at the cemetery. David and I dressed Brielle up and we took her to see her Papa.

The last time I visited Papa I was telling him about his new great grand baby. Like I mentioned earlier, we would find out in a couple of weeks that she had anencephaly, but at that time I thought Brielle was healthy. I told him about my baby and the pregnancy so far. I told him how much I wish he were here to play with her and that I wish he could get to know my baby. I tried to stifle sobs as I wiped mud off his marker. It broke my heart to think of my baby never knowing my wonderful Papa. 

This visit was different. I wasn’t alone with him and we were all struggling with our own grief in that moment. I put Brielle down on the marker with him and David took a picture. His marker was clean from the recent rains and I found myself strangely happy and incredibly sad. It was very strange. Papa does know Brielle. They’re playing together and he’s probably spoiling her rotten. And it felt good to see them together, just like they are together now. I know without a doubt that he is making sure everything is just perfect for her.

What was sad about it all is that I just wanted to be with them. I didn’t want to imagine them in a moment, I wanted to be with them in a moment. As David and I walked back to the car I said, “I never thought I’d lose my daughter and my Papa within a year.” I felt defeated. And I accepted it. I’m without two of the people that loved me unconditionally. And I have to go on for the rest of my life with a little less love in my life. I can’t change that. But at least they have each other and they aren’t gone forever.

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Brielle is meeting her Papa!

Finding the Miracles in Unanswered Prayers

~ lovingbrielle ~ 1 Comment

Thank You

When I saw Brielle for the first time my heart broke. And at the same time I had peace and suddenly had a strength that I could not explain. I swallowed my pain and gave her my all. David struggled, he struggled with anger, bitterness, and hurt for the rest of the day. We both struggled with heart break. I don’t want anyone to get the idea that we both aren’t haunted by this day.

Yet, surely you have all seen how blessed we were with loving family, friends, and medical staff. We were truly, beyond blessed that day. God was in every moment of that day. As Brielle was put on my chest all I could think was, “Okay. This is it.” And as I looked at her poor little brain I realized what a miracle it was that she was born alive at all.

Brielle had maybe 5-10% of her brain. There really was nothing there. The tissue had not developed well at all. The venous structures were not strong, but instead very fragile. Her brain stem had not even fully formed. Brielle’s heart rate was 60 beats per minute when she was born. That’s less than half of what it should have been. She never took a breath. And yet, she managed to twitch and respond to David and I. She remembered the lullaby I would sing to her. She understood, “I love you.” She was able to grip David’s finger. She was able to cry. She lived far longer than she should have. All of those things are amazing. And David and I feel, were given to us, her ability to say goodbye to us and for us to do the same, was a blessing. She shouldn’t have been able to do all of those things on her own. And she did.

At 34 weeks a component is introduced into amniotic fluid. I’ll spare you the chemistry talk, but in babies with neural tube defects, this component is elevated. It essentially eats the neural tissue. David and I did see a decrease in activity, in cognizance from 34-37 weeks. I told myself she was just tired. I refused to accept that she was lost. We had seen a membrane on the ultrasound, it would protect her. It didn’t. She wasn’t just tired and unresponsive for three weeks. The weekend after my birthday, October 18, I talked about how I felt something inexplicable.

Church had been on everything David and I had been studying and praying. We went down and Brielle was prayed over for healing. I felt a warmth in my belly and a stretching. She began to respond again. She began responding to music, dancing, wiggling. She was back to her happy self. We assumed that healing had begun. Looking back, I think it was more of a gift. And who knows, maybe I’m crazy. But after going through everything, it felt more like a merciful gift. Her whole life felt like that.

It felt as if God was saying, “She won’t survive, but I can give you more time. I can bring her personality back. I can give you the physical strength to carry her and the extra fluid. I can surround you with love. I can let her say goodbye to you.” There’s no denying that there was a sudden change that day. She did improve. I improved. God kept us safe the entire pregnancy.

We survived a near car wreck with a semi, a near plane crash (fire trucks were waiting for us when we landed), and a heart problem that suddenly vanished. I had the physical strength to carry not only her, but obscene amounts of fluid. The most fluid one of the nurses had seen in forty years of nursing.

I don’t know why God didn’t completely heal Brielle and let her live. I don’t doubt that he can. I still believe he can. But I don’t know his reasons. One of the things David and I prayed for was that if she was going to suffer in life to not heal her. I did not want her to struggle or suffer tragedy. I prayed that he would spare her that kind of future. Regardless, David and I don’t know why she died, why he didn’t step in and heal her the way we wanted. But I trust him. That doesn’t mean I don’t get mad or frustrated or struggle with his decision. But I do know, we were blessed through this entire pregnancy. And I’m thankful for all of the good things we were given, even though it hurts.