Author: lovingbrielle

Part Two: Brielle’s Birthday Continued

~ lovingbrielle ~ 2 Comments

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I think this may be the best and easiest way to share my memories from the day Brielle was born. I’m including my memories I wrote down for that day from my diary. I’ll post about the OR part tomorrow. This was such a long day and I’m not sure how to properly present it to you all.

“Lynda told me that she was going to put two IV’s in just in case I had a lot of bleeding (postpartum hemorrhaging). She asked me where I wanted them and even though my veins were incredibly difficult, she did her best and put the IV’s where I wanted them.

The anesthesiologist, Dr. Phoenix, came in and talked to me about how the spinal block would work, answered my questions, and asked me some. He was very nice, very young, but very nice. We also met Robin, the something nurse, I can’t remember her title, but she was wonderful.

Jamie came in, it was so good to see her! She saw that I did not have a pillow and was not happy about that. She checked with David to make sure that he had been eating and taking care of himself. He hadn’t been eating, so she and Lauren made sure he would get something. She went off to get him coffee and find me a pillow. Lynda told her that they were short on pillows and ordering more and said maybe she could borrow from triage, but Jamie said she had a secret place and would go there first. She came back pretty quickly, so I’m guessing the secret place had the pillow she needed. Jamie watched over me and kept an eye on me the whole time. She is really a Godsend.

Dr. Armand came in and talked to us about what would happen. He told me that the neurosurgeons at CHOA refused to care for Brielle or cover her head. They had dropped Brielle as a patient and never notified us. He said they might be talked into it if she lived for a while. I told him that if she needed a covering there were surgeons in St. Louis who had experience with this and I was willing to go there. He seemed fine with that idea, we both were of the mindset that we would make the best call for that if the situation called for it. He said they wouldn’t use dura, but would use wet surgical gauze and this warmer for preemies. I’m not sure what he was saying, I was so disoriented focusing and worrying about Brielle. But I trust Dr. Armand.

His assistant Linda came in and introduced herself. She was very kind, she is also a minister’s wife. As she was talking, Jamie and her boss came in and Jamie introduced her. I felt bad because Linda was excusing herself so that I could speak to Jamie’s boss. And I couldn’t focus on both. But the other woman was incredibly kind. She had been following my story as well and was moved by our faith and journey with Brielle. Her, Jamie, Lauren, and David circled around me and Brielle and prayed over us. It was very comforting and she was very kind. She loved on me and told me how much our story meant to her and then she left.

We then met Saan, Dr. Bootstaylor’s assistant. She was kind, the meeting was short. I was surprised at how busy the morning was. I had been started on IV fluids and would make my way to the bathroom and have alone time with Brielle. I would pray hard and tell Brielle what was going on. I’d love on her, cry, and tell her this was the time she needed to be strong. I’d sing to her and love on her. I was so scared, but she was such a good girl all morning and moved around happily.

My family arrived around 11. Ari, Grandma, Bernice, Tessa, Zach, Dad, and Mom all arrived and really filled up the room. They came over and loved on Brielle and asked how she was doing. I tried reading Brielle “On the Night You Were Born” but couldn’t make it past the first page. So Mom read it to her for me. She also read Brielle “Silver Slippers” and “Froggy’s First Kiss.” Brielle had fun listening to her books and it made me feel so much better to know she was hearing some of her favorites before she was born.

I went to the bathroom again and talked to Brielle. I rubbed on my belly and told her how much I loved her. I told her how scared I was and that this was the big scary thing that she needed to be strong for. I prayed so hard, so very hard and cried my eyes out. Mom knocked on my door and asked if I needed help. I told her I was fine. She couldn’t hear me, but I had been in there for a long time. I cried some more with Brielle and felt her wiggle around. My sweet, sweet girl. I remember wiping my eyes and making sure I looked presentable and then opening my door. Mom asked if I was having some alone time with Brielle and I told her yes.

I sat in my bed for a while and just listened and zoned out thinking of Brielle. Everyone was talking excitedly and was very happy. I was a ball of nerves, things just felt like they weren’t going to be okay. I rubbed on Brielle and did my best to be strong, keep it together, and be happy for her. And I did, I pulled myself together.

At one point I saw my Mom go and hold hands with Dr. Bootstaylor and say something to him, he said something back and I wondered what was said there. I asked Mom days later and she told me that she had thanked him for taking care of me and respecting me and Brielle. She said that he said, “Of course.” He is always so humble.

David and Lauren were given gowns, booties, and hair nets to put on. Of course David’s feet were too big for the booties, so Jamie had to search for an alternative. She came back with boot booties and David was able to use those to cover his feet, but it took a bit of work (David wears a size 13).

I started reading her “It Will Be Okay” and was staying positive and upbeat for her. I wanted her to hear it right. Everyone stopped talking and started listening to me, I didn’t anticipate that. Brielle wiggled and danced, she was very happy. Dr. Bootstaylor came in and I stopped reading. We went over a piece of paper, he signed it and then asked if I was ready. I asked him if I could finish reading to her and he said yes.

So I picked the book back up and began reading to her again. I started crying at the part where Little Seed says, “Oh no, please no! I don’t want to go!” And Dr. Bootstaylor came and sat beside me and wrapped his arm around me. I cried through a couple of pages and then pulled myself together while Little Fox looked for Little Seed. Dr. Bootstaylor was very nice and rubbed and patted my shoulder, like a consoling father. Brielle did little kicks and little wiggles and I laughed to myself as I read to her. I finished the book as strong as I could and rubbed on her the whole time I read. I closed the book, nodded my head, and said I was ready. Dr. Bootstaylor gave me a squeeze and got up. Then everyone came to me, like a receiving line, gave me a hug and told me it’d be okay. Some of them would rub on Brielle and hug me. I’m sure my face was etched with worry.

I got out of bed and helped David get his gopro and hair net situated. I also put a cap on my head. That was a funny situation. I was joking with everyone and getting us all laughing. We were all comfortable with each other, but we all knew and understood what was about to happen and there was a bit of anxiety. Once we were all ready, we all circled around near the door and looked to Dr. Bootstaylor. He rocked back and forth on the heels of his feet and seemed to just take things slow. Later I’ve come to appreciate that, he was in no rush to end my pregnancy. He nodded his head and said alright, let’s walk to the OR. I said that I was happy to enjoy walking before the surgery. I wouldn’t be doing too much painless walking after Brielle was born.

As we left the room, my family was waiting in the waiting room next to my recovery room (they had small alcoves on the labor and delivery floor where family could wait). They came back and Mom hugged me, as did everyone else. They all looked a bit worried, but optimistic. I made a joke about our “blue hair” and Mom said we looked like smurfs, I told her I’d always wanted to look like a smurf. Smiling and laughing we left each other and began to walk towards the OR.

I was happy, laughing and joking for most of the morning. I don’t want to forget that Brielle had a good morning, she was loved on, snuggled, talked to, read to, sung to. She had a great morning. She was very blessed and surrounded with love and prayer, she really was her whole life.”

Part One: The Day Brielle Was Born

~ lovingbrielle ~ 1 Comment

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Let’s call this Part One. There is so much to say about the day Brielle was born. So I’ll be posting quite a few posts about the day. And they’ll probably be really long, but then again when aren’t my posts long? At least I warned you all. It’s hard to write about that day, not just because it is painful, but also because so much happened. So many good things happened, and yes, bad things happened too. Really just one bad thing, she didn’t survive. It was such a crucial day in my life. One of those days that will change you for the rest of your life and I feel will continually change me for the rest of my life.

I’m not sure how to write about the part when she was born either. It really deserves a post or two all on it’s own. And I will post more about it. It’s hard to just summarize that hour and a half, so much happened. And, as David and I often say, it was the best and worst moment of our lives.

A few days before Brielle was born I began to get a sinking awful feeling. Everyone was so hopeful around me, I was hopeful too. Everyone believed the best would happen. It was encouraging. And to be honest, it was and is a much better attitude to have. What do you gain by being negative in a situation like this? It certainly wouldn’t have done Brielle any good. And it wouldn’t have done David or I any good either. But the feeling was there. I kept it to myself, I didn’t want to be the debbie downer of the group, and I didn’t want to crush David either. But somehow I just knew that things were not going to be okay for Brielle – at all. I tried to push it away, but it was always there, like a sick knot in the pit of your stomach. And I’m thankful for that awful knot. It prepared me and put me in a mindset that helped me accept what happened that day. And I fully believe it was God’s way of helping me be the best I could be for Brielle.

We were told to be at the hospital at nine Thursday morning. David and I got up at six. He took pictures of me with my belly before I got ready. We wanted to remember what 54 weeks pregnant looked like, what it looked like to carry Brielle. David was anxious and nervous. Worry was etched into his face and my own as well. He wore his “Proud New Daddy” shirt that I had bought him for the day. And we are proud, very proud of our sweet Brielle. We wouldn’t have her any other way.

My family looked anxious, happy, and worried all at the same time. David and I took pictures in front of her chalkboard that said “Happy 40th and 6 days Brielle!” Traffic was ridiculous that morning. During the drive I read David scriptures and reread my prayers to God and a lot of encouraging scriptures that helped calm me and prepare me and David for the day. I foolishly thought we’d have more time alone that we could spend spiritually preparing for the day. I’m so silly.

David and I went by ourselves to the hospital. My family and his joined a couple hours later. Lauren (the doula I talked about a couple of posts ago) joined us as we were checking in.

After we were checked in, the charge nurse, Lynda, (who was incredibly kind) brought us back to my room. They did things a bit differently for us and, while I’m not sure, I think that was because of the wonderful Jamie. I’ve mentioned Jamie quite a few times on this page. She works at the hospital and has been a crucial part in helping David and I through this. And I’d remember her name because I’m going to mention her a lot in these posts. Really, she was a key player in making our day go so well. God certainly had a hand in this day and her being there was no accident. She is a blessing to our family. And Jamie, I know you’re going to read this, I’m going to brag on you and thank you and you can’t stop me. wink emoticon You deserve loads and loads of praise.

My Mom had bought me a special gown for the delivery. It had buttons on the shoulders and up the back like a hospital gown. It’s beautiful and I’m so thankful for it. I wanted something that would look happy in Brielle’s pictures and it was. It was soft, comfortable, and lessened that clinical feeling that hospitals can have. I changed into that when we got there, Lauren gave me purple fuzzy socks with the sticky things on the bottom (don’t you love my technical terms). Those were nice, so soft and fuzzy.

And then I started meeting staff. Jamie told me the staff had been handpicked for us. I met every nurse that would be there, the anesthesiologist, and Dr. Armand (the neonatologist, who we had talked to before about Brielle’s care). I also met Jamie’s boss who was a lovely lady, very kind. Jamie had prayed over Brielle, David, and I and when her boss came in, she also prayed over us. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have had that support. I really could go on and on about how wonderful the staff was that day. They were all kind, supportive, loving. A lot of them stayed past their shift to help out and support us too. Dekalb Medical Center is a truly amazing hospital, with amazing staff, and I am incredibly grateful to the people there.

I want to go in detail about each person that morning. So I’ll resume this tomorrow. I want everyone to pay attention to little details that happened during this day. I want you to remember everyone’s names. This is really important, because when the day is done I want you to see how so many things went right. How blessed we were. I want you to see that all of your prayers were answered. We all wanted Brielle to survive and God didn’t give us exactly what we wanted, but He still answered our prayers. I want you all to see how He was there that whole day.

Our Last Day With Brielle

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

This post is about my last full day with Brielle. Brielle was born on Thursday, November, 12 the day before, we celebrated Uncle Zach’s birthday and did some fun stuff for Brielle too. Grandma made biscuits and gravy (my favorite breakfast) and we had a nice family morning outside on the deck. And then Mom, Grandma, Brielle, and I went out to grab some things. We went to Whole Foods and I picked out a strawberry lotion for Brielle. I did not know at the time how attached I’d get to that lotion. I also bought Brielle a strawberry cupcake and a fruit tarte. I picked out the fruit tarte that had all of her favorites: pineapple, raspberry, blueberry, and strawberry.

Earlier that morning, Zach had decided he wanted to have his 21st birthday dinner at Atlanta Grill in the Ritz. Zach, Tessa, and Dad had gone downtown to celebrate Zach’s birthday. Dad was supposed to find a cafe to hang out at while Tessa and Zach had a date, but they were all closed, so Dad kind of tagged along on Zach’s birthday date. At least they had a photographer for the day. Anyways, we all met them at the restaurant.

It was a pretty drive, Waze took us through Geogia Tech’s campus to get there and we drove around Olympic Park. The Christmas lights were up, the leaves on the trees were beautiful shades of reds, oranges, and yellows. The sun was setting, it was a really beautiful night. I’m glad Brielle had such a beautiful last night.

I’m going to include my writing from my diary for the rest of the day. I think it does a better job of capturing how I felt that evening.

“Once we were home we didn’t have much time before we had to leave for the Atlanta Grill. I had a snack before we left. Brielle was very appreciative, she was starving. Brielle and I were ravenous by the time we got to the restaurant. We had some pretzel bread when we got to the table. Dad, Tessa, and Zach met us there. I looked at the menu and ordered Brielle a filet with red wine sauce and whipped potatoes. When the food came Brielle jumped with excitement over her steak and potatoes. That is always a meal she loves! She danced and had fun. By the time dessert came, we were stuffed and I chose to not have any and instead have some of the cake at home.

Once we were all home we pulled out Zach’s cake and lit the candles and Tessa put in a pink candle in Brielle’s strawberry cupcake and lit it. Zach and I stood by the cakes and everyone sang us happy birthday. I sang to Brielle and Zach too and rubbed on her while we sang. I think she had fun! We then toasted with champagne and I toasted with her cupcake. Mommy is not giving Brielle alcohol. Brielle enjoyed her cupcake! We all laughed and had fun and it was really just wonderful. It was wonderful to give Brielle a celebration, it may be her only one and everyone was just happy. Hopeful. It was a very fun night.

Then we watched Finding Nemo. Brielle really liked that movie! She did lots of big wiggles and we laughed a lot. I love how she loves movies with a lot of water, she is a fish herself! Everyone had fun with that movie. After the movie we decided to read Brielle her stories. Mom read her “It Will Be Okay” and Brielle enjoyed it. That was such a good memory to make with Brielle. David videod a lot of it. After she finished the book Mom kissed little Brielle and I started crying. I just want Brielle to live. Tessa then read “Giraffes Can’t Dance.” Tessa talked and played with Brielle as she read it. I think Brielle had a lot of fun! She responded a lot and Dad finally got to feel her move. David said that he had a very big smile when she did it. Brielle’s Papa loves her. My Mom also read Brielle “Silver Slippers” and Brielle enjoyed that too! Brielle had such a fun night. By the time we had finished reading and playing I was exhausted. I ate Brielle’s fruit tarte at 11:20 PM (40 minutes before the cut off time for eating before surgery). I think Brielle liked it, it had all of her favorites!

I took a shower and David shaved my legs. I played Brielle her music while I showered too. I wanted Brielle to have fun. David and I prayed very hard over her, we are both so scared. And we prayed and prayed. David read her “On the Night You Were Born” which she liked. It feels good to just feel her happy. I don’t know how to explain it, there’s is just a vibe (for a lack of a better word) I get from her, and it feels happy and content. I’m glad that I can feel that and make her feel that way. Of course there was crying, worry, and fear. But we’ll just have to trust God.”

Giving Tuesday

~ lovingbrielle ~ 1 Comment

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I think today, Giving Tuesday, is an appropriate day to talk about the wonderful doula we used for Brielle’s birth. A Doula is a professional trained in childbirth who supports a woman and her husband during, pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period. The word “Doula” comes from the Greek term meaning “servant to mother”. Lauren Bishop, is a woman who is very dear to David and I. I joined an anencephaly support group after Brielle was diagnosed with anencephaly. Lauren, also a member, reached out to me and offered her bereavement services, for free, to be a support to David and I as we went through this journey with Brielle.

Lauren’s son Ethan died on June 19, 2013 from anencephaly. Two years later, Brielle would get her diagnosis of anencephaly as well, on the same day. Sweet Ethan inspired his mother to become a doula to not only help mother’s with healthy pregnancies, but also to help mother’s facing pregnancy and infant loss, to be a support and source of strength to lean on during such a horrible time. Lauren honors Ethan’s life with this service. And she is a wonderful, amazing woman who does a phenomenal job serving other mothers. I cannot even begin to describe what a remarkable woman she is.

Donations to Ethan’s Hope go towards helping other mother’s who face infant loss. Lauren provides not only her time (late hours during the entire pregnancy, the entire delivery time, and after), she also provides memory making materials and services, photography of the entire event, gifts for the baby and the parents, her support, and advocacy. During our c-section, Lauren stood next to David and I during the surgery and helped me through that time, that was a very difficult time and I am so grateful for her support. I could not even think of the funeral during the whole pregnancy or really after Brielle was born either. Lauren contacted multiple funeral homes in Atlanta, talked to them all about options, and gave us her honest opinion of which she thought was the best. She recommended Mayes Ward-Dobbins Funeral Home, after Brielle was born, which was a beautiful wonderful place, filled with wonderful good honest people. Lauren also set up a photographer for us from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, an organization that has photographers donate their services for infant loss. We just received the pictures from that a few days ago and they turned out beautifully.

Lauren did more for us than I’ll ever be able to explain. She does amazing work with Ethan’s Hope. I wish I had had the opportunity to meet Ethan, but I do know he must have been an amazing little boy to have inspired such selfless work from his sweet mommy. And I am forever grateful to him and his mommy. And thankful that Brielle has a sweet friend to play with in Heaven.

http://www.ethanshope.net/about.html

Trusting God Through the Pain

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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When I found out I was pregnant, I was beyond excited. Not just for the obvious reasons. Last Thanksgiving we got the call that my Papa’s cancer had moved to his brain and was quickly growing and he would have to be put on hospice. A year ago today, my Dad and I drove to Arkansas to help take care of him. For the next month my family helped take care of him. It was a very difficult December, to say the least, and a couple of days after we had our Christmas with him, he passed away. I wasn’t looking forward to my first Christmas without my Papa, but I was going to have a sweet new baby for Christmas. God had blessed me with a special gift that I’d treasure, that would bring joy to not only me, but my family as well for Christmas.

One of my first thoughts when I found out Brielle had anencephaly was, “What kind of sick joke is this?” To take my Papa and my daughter away from me within a year of each other, on Christmas? What kind of sick God does something like that? I was angry, but mostly deeply, maddeningly hurt. I’m still not sure why God gave us a baby on the first try, that would be born around the holidays, and then die. I hurt, but that anger and hurt aren’t at or from God anymore.

I have a lot of confusion, one day I’ll come to terms with everything. For now, I feel like an open bursting wound. And I hate it. I hate that this is happening now, at Christmas, one of my favorite times of the year. I love Christmas and this is too much.

While I hate all this pain, I’m not going to let it consume me. We get to choose how we handle what the world throws at us. We don’t get to choose what happens in our life, but our attitude we do get to control. David and I won’t be miserable, we’re going to grieve, but we’re not going to live in darkness.

This weekend is David’s birthday. We’re going to see The Nutcracker, take a Christmas historic home tour in Marietta, take the dogs to the farmers market in the square. I’m going to wear myself out and we’ll end up watching a funny movie to distract us from the grief of watching families with young children.

We’ll lean on each other and lift the other up when we’re too deep in grief. We’ll think about how happy Brielle is. We’ll remind each other that we’re not grieving Brielle’s fate, we’re grieving our own. The loss of a perfect baby that was too good for our world. We’ll have a bittersweet weekend.

I’ve said this over and over again, but I cannot stress it enough, the loss of Brielle is horrific, but her life was not. We crammed a lifetime into her ten months here with us. She was the greatest light we ever knew, she brought more joy into this world than we could ever imagine. I’m not going to let that be overshadowed by my pain. I don’t know God’s plan, but I know her story isn’t over. I’m just along for the ride, and I’ll constantly seek out ways to honor Brielle’s legacy. She’s too wonderful not to.