The three of us at the "Smilebooth" at church this morning.
I hope you all have a great Easter today. David, Brielle Bear, and I went to church this morning and we’re spending the day with David’s mom and his nephew, Matt.
All three of my girl's Easter baskets.
We make Easter baskets every year for Emmy and Rosie, our dog children, and we made one for Brielle this year too.
We filled Brielle’s basket with some of her favorite candy: Starbursts, Skittles, and Air Heads. And then we added some things for David and me too.
It’s been a bittersweet day for us. It has been very hard seeing other sweet little babies dressed up for the holiday, but at the same time because of Jesus’s sacrifice we can be with Brielle again and that is something to celebrate.
Daddy and Brielle Bear. He loves his little girl.Selfie with mommy.
We brought Brielle in her urn bear to church on Sunday. I dressed her in one of the church outfits we’d bought her in October. I was so nervous, I thought it would be weird or we’d look ridiculous. But it felt right. David carried her in and we sat with some friends. We took turns holding her through the service. David wanted to hold her the most, he’d take her from me and would say, “It’s my turn to hold my little girl.” It was cute, he needed her there just as much as I did.
Our friends were very supportive and thought it was good. They’ve been very understanding and encouraging. And it was just nice. My arms didn’t ache as bad. I didn’t feel like I was falling apart. It felt right. It felt right, to bring her to the place she loved most.
David and I don’t have a grave site to visit or decorate. We have Brielle bear. And even though Brielle isn’t a part of this world, she still exists, and David and I are still parents. And we still need to parent her. We need to love her and celebrate her. And we’re still connected with her, so it’s not as simple as just saying, “She’s with God now” and moving on.
I don’t know what she sees. I don’t know what she knows. No one does. She loved God and church. She’d jump for joy when the pastor said, “Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.” She danced when we sang praise songs. So David and I feel it’s right to still bring her to church, she’d want that.
We still need to honor Brielle. We still need to celebrate her and acknowledge her. And we’ll figure out our way of doing that. I’m not going to apologize for remembering Brielle and I’m going to do what’s best for my family. And right now, bringing Brielle to church is what is best for us. If she can see us, I think it made her happy.
I am having such a hard time with holidays. Easter is one of those holidays that I love. It’s right up there with Christmas for me. Last Easter, David and I flew into DFW and announced that I was pregnant. It was such an exciting time. I couldn’t even fathom that this Easter I’d be without Brielle. The church we go to here has a lot of events planned for Easter and I’m conflicted about them. A part of me is so excited, another part of me just hurts. I want to share these moments with Brielle, but how can I?
I thought about bringing Brielle bear to church for Easter Sunday and dressing her up in an Easter dress, but is that weird? No one else will know that it’s an urn bear. And then where do I find a dress? It’s a 17″ bear (just about her size when she was born) and newborn clothes fit, but are a little big, American Girl clothing fits her, but I only found one dress that I kind of like for Easter. I’ve looked on Etsy some, but haven’t found anything just right. Maybe I should look harder.
And what about Easter activities? I still like the idea of doing things for or with Brielle, but how? Do I fill an Easter basket for her? But what do I put in it? Do I color eggs? Make her a special cake? She hated cake. What do I do?
I know I’ve said it before, but I’m just not sure where the line is between grieving mother and crazy woman. I also don’t want to feel ashamed of taking Brielle bear places. That’s like being ashamed of Brielle, and I’m not. I’m just having a really hard time finding my new normal. I don’t even know what it looks or feels like. So how in the world do I find it? This whole grieving and child loss thing sucks.
I wrote this and took this picture three weeks ago for Brielle’s third month. I’m holding Brielle Bear (where we keep her ashes).
Brielle would be twelve weeks today. It’s hard to believe that it has already been three months. In some ways it feels like it just happened and in other ways it feels like it’s been a lifetime since I held her and kissed her little toes. David and I miss her constantly. And our lives feel…odd. We feel as if we took ten steps back. In some ways we feel completely empty and broken. And in others we feel fulfilled and happy. She brought us so much joy and love and we are so thankful for that. She brought perfect goodness into our lives and we’ll treasure that time we had with her forever. I wish there was a way to hold her still. To feel her little wiggles and give her kisses. I just want to hold her again.
Brielle with her Papa. Side note, Grandma is not dead, but her marker is ready and waiting for her. We’ve all found this to be a little odd and uncomfortable, Grandma especially so.
Our trip to Arkansas the weekend of January 9, was a very nice trip. It was a short trip, but David and I were so happy to spend that time with my family. Everyone was so kind to us. As a family we went to see Papa at the cemetery. David and I dressed Brielle up and we took her to see her Papa.
The last time I visited Papa I was telling him about his new great grand baby. Like I mentioned earlier, we would find out in a couple of weeks that she had anencephaly, but at that time I thought Brielle was healthy. I told him about my baby and the pregnancy so far. I told him how much I wish he were here to play with her and that I wish he could get to know my baby. I tried to stifle sobs as I wiped mud off his marker. It broke my heart to think of my baby never knowing my wonderful Papa.
This visit was different. I wasn’t alone with him and we were all struggling with our own grief in that moment. I put Brielle down on the marker with him and David took a picture. His marker was clean from the recent rains and I found myself strangely happy and incredibly sad. It was very strange. Papa does know Brielle. They’re playing together and he’s probably spoiling her rotten. And it felt good to see them together, just like they are together now. I know without a doubt that he is making sure everything is just perfect for her.
What was sad about it all is that I just wanted to be with them. I didn’t want to imagine them in a moment, I wanted to be with them in a moment. As David and I walked back to the car I said, “I never thought I’d lose my daughter and my Papa within a year.” I felt defeated. And I accepted it. I’m without two of the people that loved me unconditionally. And I have to go on for the rest of my life with a little less love in my life. I can’t change that. But at least they have each other and they aren’t gone forever.
