I am having such a hard time with holidays. Easter is one of those holidays that I love. It’s right up there with Christmas for me. Last Easter, David and I flew into DFW and announced that I was pregnant. It was such an exciting time. I couldn’t even fathom that this Easter I’d be without Brielle. The church we go to here has a lot of events planned for Easter and I’m conflicted about them. A part of me is so excited, another part of me just hurts. I want to share these moments with Brielle, but how can I?
I thought about bringing Brielle bear to church for Easter Sunday and dressing her up in an Easter dress, but is that weird? No one else will know that it’s an urn bear. And then where do I find a dress? It’s a 17″ bear (just about her size when she was born) and newborn clothes fit, but are a little big, American Girl clothing fits her, but I only found one dress that I kind of like for Easter. I’ve looked on Etsy some, but haven’t found anything just right. Maybe I should look harder.
And what about Easter activities? I still like the idea of doing things for or with Brielle, but how? Do I fill an Easter basket for her? But what do I put in it? Do I color eggs? Make her a special cake? She hated cake. What do I do?
I know I’ve said it before, but I’m just not sure where the line is between grieving mother and crazy woman. I also don’t want to feel ashamed of taking Brielle bear places. That’s like being ashamed of Brielle, and I’m not. I’m just having a really hard time finding my new normal. I don’t even know what it looks or feels like. So how in the world do I find it? This whole grieving and child loss thing sucks.