Faith

God is Good, All The Time

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment
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My hero!

God is always looking out for us. This afternoon, I took Emmy and Rosie out back. Because of Emmy’s broken paw, David or I have been going out with them to keep an eye on her.

I was busy looking at the trees, when I heard Emmy digging and burrowing her face into a hole in the ground.

I kept yelling at her to stop, but she wouldn’t let up. So I walked over and she moved away. I decided, since, I was over there that I should take a look and see what was bothering her. I imagined it was most likely a lizard or chipmunk. Instead, staring back at me was a snake with a head the size of a large egg. It’s eye alone was the size of a dime.

I walked away and thought, maybe I’m just seeing things, I do have bad eyes. Maybe it’s some giant breed of chipmunk or something (I know, I’m ridiculous). I walked back over, no it’s shiny. Mammals aren’t shiny. I’d walk away, and walk back again. It never moved, never blinked.

“Maybe it’s dead,” I thought. I walked back again, nope, it moved deeper into the hole. I called the girls inside and called David. David, of course, wanted to call animal control, but I was thinking its probably nothing. Again, maybe I’m just seeing things.

David called an animal removal service. The guy came. He looked around, pulled out the leaves from the hole, poked into the tree base (where the hole was), and said, “It’s in the tree.”

I stepped back, “It’s in the tree? It’s nest is in the tree?”

“Oh yeah. Great place for her.”

Her? I immediately began to think about baby snakes all over my yard.

“So, it is a snake?”

He nodded, “Definitely.” He then began to ask me questions about what it looked like. I’d only seen the side of it’s head, so my description wasn’t great.

“Did it have a cat eye?”

“Yes,” there was no hesitation there. That was my first clue that it was a snake to begin with.

“Okay, you have a copperhead.” I took another step back from the tree.

“Great, are there more in the yard then?”

“Most likely.”

He laid out the options for me, and I chose the get the snakes out of my yard option.

I’d planned on finishing the raised garden beds today. I’d planned on raking the leaves today. Not anymore. It’s crazy how life works and how God looks after us.

If Emmy hadn’t broken her paw, I wouldn’t have been out there to see the snake. If Emmy hadn’t seen the snake and tried to kill it, I would have continued to work in my yard with a bunch of venomous snakes.

And the most amazing part of all this is that the snake never tried to hurt Emmy. It never bit her or came after me. And Emmy was openly antagonizing the copperhead. God is good. He is really, really good. Awesome, He’s totally awesome.

Brielle Bear’s First Sunday at Church!

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment
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Daddy and Brielle Bear. He loves his little girl.
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Selfie with mommy.

We brought Brielle in her urn bear to church on Sunday. I dressed her in one of the church outfits we’d bought her in October. I was so nervous, I thought it would be weird or we’d look ridiculous. But it felt right. David carried her in and we sat with some friends. We took turns holding her through the service. David wanted to hold her the most, he’d take her from me and would say, “It’s my turn to hold my little girl.” It was cute, he needed her there just as much as I did.

Our friends were very supportive and thought it was good. They’ve been very understanding and encouraging. And it was just nice. My arms didn’t ache as bad. I didn’t feel like I was falling apart. It felt right. It felt right, to bring her to the place she loved most.

David and I don’t have a grave site to visit or decorate. We have Brielle bear. And even though Brielle isn’t a part of this world, she still exists, and David and I are still parents. And we still need to parent her. We need to love her and celebrate her. And we’re still connected with her, so it’s not as simple as just saying, “She’s with God now” and moving on.

I don’t know what she sees. I don’t know what she knows. No one does. She loved God and church. She’d jump for joy when the pastor said, “Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.” She danced when we sang praise songs. So David and I feel it’s right to still bring her to church, she’d want that.

We still need to honor Brielle. We still need to celebrate her and acknowledge her. And we’ll figure out our way of doing that. I’m not going to apologize for remembering Brielle and I’m going to do what’s best for my family. And right now, bringing Brielle to church is what is best for us. If she can see us, I think it made her happy.

Finding the Miracles in Unanswered Prayers

~ lovingbrielle ~ 1 Comment

Thank You

When I saw Brielle for the first time my heart broke. And at the same time I had peace and suddenly had a strength that I could not explain. I swallowed my pain and gave her my all. David struggled, he struggled with anger, bitterness, and hurt for the rest of the day. We both struggled with heart break. I don’t want anyone to get the idea that we both aren’t haunted by this day.

Yet, surely you have all seen how blessed we were with loving family, friends, and medical staff. We were truly, beyond blessed that day. God was in every moment of that day. As Brielle was put on my chest all I could think was, “Okay. This is it.” And as I looked at her poor little brain I realized what a miracle it was that she was born alive at all.

Brielle had maybe 5-10% of her brain. There really was nothing there. The tissue had not developed well at all. The venous structures were not strong, but instead very fragile. Her brain stem had not even fully formed. Brielle’s heart rate was 60 beats per minute when she was born. That’s less than half of what it should have been. She never took a breath. And yet, she managed to twitch and respond to David and I. She remembered the lullaby I would sing to her. She understood, “I love you.” She was able to grip David’s finger. She was able to cry. She lived far longer than she should have. All of those things are amazing. And David and I feel, were given to us, her ability to say goodbye to us and for us to do the same, was a blessing. She shouldn’t have been able to do all of those things on her own. And she did.

At 34 weeks a component is introduced into amniotic fluid. I’ll spare you the chemistry talk, but in babies with neural tube defects, this component is elevated. It essentially eats the neural tissue. David and I did see a decrease in activity, in cognizance from 34-37 weeks. I told myself she was just tired. I refused to accept that she was lost. We had seen a membrane on the ultrasound, it would protect her. It didn’t. She wasn’t just tired and unresponsive for three weeks. The weekend after my birthday, October 18, I talked about how I felt something inexplicable.

Church had been on everything David and I had been studying and praying. We went down and Brielle was prayed over for healing. I felt a warmth in my belly and a stretching. She began to respond again. She began responding to music, dancing, wiggling. She was back to her happy self. We assumed that healing had begun. Looking back, I think it was more of a gift. And who knows, maybe I’m crazy. But after going through everything, it felt more like a merciful gift. Her whole life felt like that.

It felt as if God was saying, “She won’t survive, but I can give you more time. I can bring her personality back. I can give you the physical strength to carry her and the extra fluid. I can surround you with love. I can let her say goodbye to you.” There’s no denying that there was a sudden change that day. She did improve. I improved. God kept us safe the entire pregnancy.

We survived a near car wreck with a semi, a near plane crash (fire trucks were waiting for us when we landed), and a heart problem that suddenly vanished. I had the physical strength to carry not only her, but obscene amounts of fluid. The most fluid one of the nurses had seen in forty years of nursing.

I don’t know why God didn’t completely heal Brielle and let her live. I don’t doubt that he can. I still believe he can. But I don’t know his reasons. One of the things David and I prayed for was that if she was going to suffer in life to not heal her. I did not want her to struggle or suffer tragedy. I prayed that he would spare her that kind of future. Regardless, David and I don’t know why she died, why he didn’t step in and heal her the way we wanted. But I trust him. That doesn’t mean I don’t get mad or frustrated or struggle with his decision. But I do know, we were blessed through this entire pregnancy. And I’m thankful for all of the good things we were given, even though it hurts.

Resentment Solves Nothing

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

Hate

Sometimes I want to hurt God the way he hurt me. I want to punish him for taking away Brielle. How could he hurt me that way? How could he let that happen? Have I not been good enough? Is this punishment or some cruel twist of fate? I’ll get so angry and I’ll have a desire to get even with God. I want to inflict the same damage he inflicted on me.

Of course then it hits me, he already suffered the same loss I did. And so I can’t get even. His son died so that Brielle and I could be together for eternity. And then I feel bad for God. I want to console him and help him through the pain. How horrible to sacrifice your son for generations of other children. To know that not all of your children will be with you for eternity. And I ache for him. I now can understand that pain and it makes me sad.

I realize how foolish I am and also how incredibly thankful I am. Losing Brielle has made me understand God so much better. He doesn’t seem quite as out of reach. Rather like an old friend that can hold my hand and offer me a shoulder to cry on. He’s already walked this path, he knows my pain, and he didn’t want this for me. I know he didn’t want this for Brielle or I. I can’t explain a relationship with God, but there is a comfort there that passes understanding.

And when I let my anger and hurt subside I feel his comfort and I understand his pain. The pain he must feel for me, to watch me suffer. He never wanted this for us. But humanity chose and continues to choose this path. A path of anger, bitterness, and hate. We all hurt others, whether overtly or inadvertently. I can’t blame God for this.

David and I have a genetic reason for this defect. Medical professionals have chosen for decades to dispose of these babies instead of learning about them. Due to ignorance and a general dislike of anencephalic babies, there is little known about them and little can be done for them. And those are facts of life. Facts we all have to navigate around.

I don’t know why God didn’t swoop in and save the day, but there must be a pretty good reason, because I know he doesn’t want me to hurt. And so while I’m angry with the situation and I get angry with the world, I am not angry with God. Because this isn’t God’s fault. This is the burden we all carry for living in a world that is less than perfect.