Sometimes I want to hurt God the way he hurt me. I want to punish him for taking away Brielle. How could he hurt me that way? How could he let that happen? Have I not been good enough? Is this punishment or some cruel twist of fate? I’ll get so angry and I’ll have a desire to get even with God. I want to inflict the same damage he inflicted on me.
Of course then it hits me, he already suffered the same loss I did. And so I can’t get even. His son died so that Brielle and I could be together for eternity. And then I feel bad for God. I want to console him and help him through the pain. How horrible to sacrifice your son for generations of other children. To know that not all of your children will be with you for eternity. And I ache for him. I now can understand that pain and it makes me sad.
I realize how foolish I am and also how incredibly thankful I am. Losing Brielle has made me understand God so much better. He doesn’t seem quite as out of reach. Rather like an old friend that can hold my hand and offer me a shoulder to cry on. He’s already walked this path, he knows my pain, and he didn’t want this for me. I know he didn’t want this for Brielle or I. I can’t explain a relationship with God, but there is a comfort there that passes understanding.
And when I let my anger and hurt subside I feel his comfort and I understand his pain. The pain he must feel for me, to watch me suffer. He never wanted this for us. But humanity chose and continues to choose this path. A path of anger, bitterness, and hate. We all hurt others, whether overtly or inadvertently. I can’t blame God for this.
David and I have a genetic reason for this defect. Medical professionals have chosen for decades to dispose of these babies instead of learning about them. Due to ignorance and a general dislike of anencephalic babies, there is little known about them and little can be done for them. And those are facts of life. Facts we all have to navigate around.
I don’t know why God didn’t swoop in and save the day, but there must be a pretty good reason, because I know he doesn’t want me to hurt. And so while I’m angry with the situation and I get angry with the world, I am not angry with God. Because this isn’t God’s fault. This is the burden we all carry for living in a world that is less than perfect.