grief

Happy 3 Months Brielle!

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

 

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I wrote this and took this picture three weeks ago for Brielle’s third month. I’m holding Brielle Bear (where we keep her ashes).

Brielle would be twelve weeks today. It’s hard to believe that it has already been three months. In some ways it feels like it just happened and in other ways it feels like it’s been a lifetime since I held her and kissed her little toes. David and I miss her constantly. And our lives feel…odd. We feel as if we took ten steps back. In some ways we feel completely empty and broken. And in others we feel fulfilled and happy. She brought us so much joy and love and we are so thankful for that. She brought perfect goodness into our lives and we’ll treasure that time we had with her forever. I wish there was a way to hold her still. To feel her little wiggles and give her kisses. I just want to hold her again.

Pity Party for One

~ lovingbrielle ~ 2 Comments

I’m dealing with parental drama and I’m so done with it. It’s keeping me from grieving Brielle and I hate it. I want to talk about it, but it makes other people angry. I don’t want to hurt anyone either. I just feel like I’m trapped. I’m trying to wrap my head around what kind of people they really are and it makes me sick. Of course, they’ll tell you that they have no idea what I’m talking about.

I feel like I’m drowning. I’m having to put Brielle on the back burner as I struggle with who my parents are, suddenly becoming a caregiver, moving Bernice into our home, and dealing with David’s family drama. I love Bernice and I’m not complaining, but I never have a moment to myself. She doesn’t understand time and to her forty five minutes is a very long time. It’s made checking the FB page and keeping it updated very difficult.

I’ve been looking into other forms of dementia and I don’t think Bernice has Alzheimer’s, but another form of dementia. Her dementia is very different and I’m not sure how to help her. She doesn’t follow the typical ALZ patterns. She’s bored, and it’s been challenging for the both of us. I want her to enjoy the time she does have, but I have no idea what to do.

David’s job is a nightmare. I have quite a few choice words for his boss. In fact, there’s nothing even remotely good about him. He’s a sexist good ole boy and I’d like to give him a piece of my mind. That being said, David is miserable and beyond stressed. He told me the other night that this is the worst place he has ever worked. I hate it for him and I hate it for his coworkers who are being treated like worthless cattle. Really, there’s nothing good to say about the Atlanta office. Oh, David’s coworkers and lower management are nice, they’re also the ones who are there almost every weekend and until very late at night.

Things are just so hard right now. I just want to relax and be sad. I want to sit on the couch and just cry. I want to hold Brielle Bear and be sad that I can’t hold Brielle and touch her soft baby skin. Instead the whole world is falling around David and I. We’re tired. We just want a break.

*sigh* I’ll have a pity party for one please. I’d like a large shot of magical calorie free cookie dough, bra free months, stretchy pants, and lots of Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy, please.

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Someone Else’s Story

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

Sacrifice

Sometimes I look at these things I share and I feel as if I’m reading someone else’s story. Surely this isn’t my journey. Surely that person is not me. This person doesn’t look or speak like me, because I couldn’t possibly be going through something like this. And I’m perplexed. Because how could this happen?

I read all the books, took all the vitamins, ate organic, switched my beauty products to natural or organic products. I did it all right. I followed the rules. I prayed over Brielle’s future before she was even conceived. We planned Brielle’s timing three years in advance. I played the game everyone wants me to play, so who is that person saying she is me?

I’ve waited for Brielle my whole life. My whole life I’ve waited for this time of my life. I’ve always known that my purpose and path in life was not to begin until now. And I’ve waited. I’ve endured and I’ve suffered. When things in my teenage years broke me, I pushed through and survived so that I could be a mom. When gastroparesis took away everything I had and nearly took me with it, I pushed through so that I could be a mom. I have spent my whole life fighting for the right to be Brielle’s mother, to be a mom. Every decision and step I’ve taken in my life has been for this child. Some people search their whole lives for who they are, but I always knew. I always felt as if I was in someone else’s skin, biding my time until I could be myself, until I could be free to begin.

When I read these stories, see these pictures, I wonder who that person is. I have been through enough, so who is this person saying she is me? From the outside my life may have looked happy, but for the past fifteen years I have suffered, struggled, and fought for every bit of happiness I’ve had. I have not had reprieve in so long, this was to be my reprieve. My light in all of my darkness. So who is this woman who says this is my path? This was not to be. I was going to be happy. I was going to see my beautiful little girl, this was not to be my path. I don’t need an answer to why bad things happen to good people. I already know the answer. What I want to know, is will I only know the bad? Will everything that could go wrong in a life find me?

All I want is to see my little girl grow up, I want to see her smile, and live a long, healthy, happy life. She’s not supposed to know this sadness, she deserves a life of sunshine and laughter. If I had the power, I’d move heaven and earth and give it to her. I’d be whatever I needed to be to give her a beautiful and perfect future. I’d bend the will of man to ensure her happiness, all for her smile, all I want is a lifetime with her smile. I want to see wrinkles and smile lines. And I want to hear the laughter of her children. I want to live a lifetime with that future, a future with her.

Resentment Solves Nothing

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

Hate

Sometimes I want to hurt God the way he hurt me. I want to punish him for taking away Brielle. How could he hurt me that way? How could he let that happen? Have I not been good enough? Is this punishment or some cruel twist of fate? I’ll get so angry and I’ll have a desire to get even with God. I want to inflict the same damage he inflicted on me.

Of course then it hits me, he already suffered the same loss I did. And so I can’t get even. His son died so that Brielle and I could be together for eternity. And then I feel bad for God. I want to console him and help him through the pain. How horrible to sacrifice your son for generations of other children. To know that not all of your children will be with you for eternity. And I ache for him. I now can understand that pain and it makes me sad.

I realize how foolish I am and also how incredibly thankful I am. Losing Brielle has made me understand God so much better. He doesn’t seem quite as out of reach. Rather like an old friend that can hold my hand and offer me a shoulder to cry on. He’s already walked this path, he knows my pain, and he didn’t want this for me. I know he didn’t want this for Brielle or I. I can’t explain a relationship with God, but there is a comfort there that passes understanding.

And when I let my anger and hurt subside I feel his comfort and I understand his pain. The pain he must feel for me, to watch me suffer. He never wanted this for us. But humanity chose and continues to choose this path. A path of anger, bitterness, and hate. We all hurt others, whether overtly or inadvertently. I can’t blame God for this.

David and I have a genetic reason for this defect. Medical professionals have chosen for decades to dispose of these babies instead of learning about them. Due to ignorance and a general dislike of anencephalic babies, there is little known about them and little can be done for them. And those are facts of life. Facts we all have to navigate around.

I don’t know why God didn’t swoop in and save the day, but there must be a pretty good reason, because I know he doesn’t want me to hurt. And so while I’m angry with the situation and I get angry with the world, I am not angry with God. Because this isn’t God’s fault. This is the burden we all carry for living in a world that is less than perfect.