Author: lovingbrielle

The Adoption Pull

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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We’ve talked about adoption for years. I talked about it sophomore year of college, determined I could do it with or without David, I just couldn’t ignore the pull. We spent months talking about it before we had Brielle. Should we start with adoption or pregnancy?

I’d run to David with photo listings and say, “Look at this one! He likes video games! And look at this one. What about this family of kids? We could adopt a family.”

I struggled, and still struggle, with the ethics of it all. Is it right (or perhaps best) to bring another life into the world when there are millions of children without parents, without love? David and I have debated this, unsure of the answer.

While pregnant with Brielle, we discussed whether or not we should have any more biological children. I’d always said I wanted at least one biological child. For two, rather selfish, reasons. I wanted to experience pregnancy and I was curious what our children would look like.

While I’ve satisfied my curiosity, I’ve fallen in love with pregnancy. I love making a tiny human, I felt complete and whole. And I cherish the bond I made with Brielle. But is that enough? Is that enough to justify another child without a parent?

We haven’t made a decision. We aren’t sure of anything right now. But it weighs on my mind all the time. I feel called to do this. Like it’s my job to adopt, but I’m afraid. Afraid of the process. Afraid I won’t connect with the child. Unsure of what age to adopt. Special needs or not? Gender? Do we adopt siblings? Can I handle that? And what if I’m terrible at being a mom? What if I resent children for intruding into my space?

But then I tell myself that’s ridiculous. I adopted my fur children. And I don’t love them any less than Brielle. If I can love my dog children as much as my own daughter, shouldn’t I be able to love an adopted child just as much?

Like I said, I struggle. And sometimes I wonder if my indecisiveness is preventing me from adopting a child who needs me and I them. Sometimes, I think, we just need to take the plunge.

Thank You, Jeralyn!

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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This is a very special post to me and something I’ve been planning and wanting to do right for a long time.

Jeralyn S. used to take care of me when I was a baby. She attended church at Airport Freeway where my family attended when I was young. And when she found out about Brielle she took it on herself to dote on Brielle just as she had doted on me. She has been sending David, Brielle, and I handmade cards throughout Brielle’s life and recently sent us a sweet Little Mermaid dress for her American Girl Doll, Grace (which also fits Brielle’s urn bear!). 

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And even more recently, she sent Brielle an adorable Star Wars dress. David and I are in love with it.

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These cards mean more than she’ll ever know to David and I. She would write special messages to Brielle and I would read them to her. David would come home and get a big smile on his face as he read them. Each card was unique and different and we had so much fun seeing what Jeralyn had sent us! David especially loved the Star Wars themed card she sent for him. 

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Her cards always arrived when we needed them most and brought us joy when we were often deep in despair. I am so thankful to Jeralyn and her incredible kindness to my family. She has been such a blessing to us and especially to sweet Brielle. Thank you, Jeralyn, for everything you’ve done for my family.

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Stronger Through Tragedy

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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I expected Brielle’s diagnosis and death to damage our marriage. That outcome is certainly not unheard of.

Where I expected communication issues, there were none. When I expected the stress of grief to pull at us, it didn’t.

Our honesty and vulnerability with each other has brought us closer together. I see how much David loves and misses Brielle and it makes my heart overflow with love for him.

The ways he cared for me during the pregnancy and the ways he loved and embraced Brielle fill me with more love than I could have ever imagined. I am closer to him now than I have ever been.

And through this tragedy in our lives, I’ve found myself revisiting the hard times in our relationship. Thankful for how those experiences shaped and molded us into the people we needed to be for each other.

It’s funny how Brielle’s life continues to give. I thought the days of butterflies and starry eyed love were over, but instead it’s better.

I get that old flutter in my stomach when I look at him. I find him more handsome than I used to. Everything about him seems better, fresher. And in a way it feels like the beginning all over again.

But it’s so much better. We know each other. We’re comfortable with each other and we have an easy, carefree relationship. Becoming parents, losing a child, holding onto each other through grief, it’s made us whole in a way I can’t describe.

And now, more often than not, we find ourselves happily telling each other how much we love being married. And we remark on how much better life is now that we are married. It’s as if something just came together and we feel right. I’m just so thankful I get to do life with David.

My Failings As A Wife: Part Three

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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Sometimes I’m fed up with everything weighing on my shoulders, the stress pushing me to the point where I feel like my shoulders will physically snap. I lash out, snap at him, and think that maybe if I leave things will get better. That maybe if I walk from my responsibilities life will be easier.

But nothing is ever that simple.

I’ll take out my frustrations by criticizing him. I’ll be hypercritical, as if that’ll make it better. Sometimes I can be so foolish. And sometimes I do it without even realizing it.

I can be a handful.

A long time ago David told me that my criticisms hurt his feelings. I hadn’t realized I’d been criticizing him. And it hurt me that I was hurting him. I worked hard to change my mindset.

What I did realize, was that the more upset I was with myself, the more critical I was of everyone else. And that’s not fair to anyone.

This is one of the things I hate most about myself. I hate hurting others, so when I retort with a biting remark or a sharp criticism, it eats at me. There’s no reason for me to be cruel to others because I’m uncomfortable in my own skin or I’m overly stressed.

Over the years, I’ve become a lot better. I rarely find myself critical or cruel. I spend more time trying to be empathetic, and more attuned to David’s needs.

Keeping my mind focused in this way has helped me be kinder. And I think it’s pulled out more of my “goodness.” I’m always going to struggle with this. I’m always going to be flawed, but I can be a better person.

I’m not always a loving wife. Or a good wife. But I’m grateful for the understanding David has and our determination to make each other better.

My Failings As A Wife: Part Two

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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There are times when my anger is justified. David took six years to marry me, I was not happy about that, and he fought me every step of the way. His fear of marriage put us through years of full on blow outs. David may be quiet but he is stubborn. And when he wants to be, he is immovable, and nothing I say or do will change things.

This ignites a rage in me I have trouble turning off. I don’t do well with authority or hard no’s. One man described me as a, “Formidable opponent.” So when David makes a final decision about something and it’s something I don’t have a say in, well, I get nasty.

This is a facet of myself that I’m not proud of. I don’t want to be reactionary. David rarely pulls out his stubborn side, but of course when he does, it’s over something critical. And I lose my mind. I feel shut down, meaningless, and the fighter in me comes out, because I refuse to be denied the right to speak. I refuse to be undermined. I have value and my words have value, and I will fight for that, I won’t let anyone shut me down, including David.

We spent three long years “working” on this issue. He refused to yield and I refused to give up. He would not marry me (there are a lot of reasons why) and I wasn’t going to give up. I love David wholly and completely. So if that meant I had to, metaphorically, pull out my gloves and duke it out with him, then so be it.

He communicates with subtle hints and clues, quietly dancing around the subject. I get straight to the issue, I’m direct, honest, and I don’t mess around with games. It’s like mixing oil and water.

I’d yell and rant, furious that he’d put us through this. I couldn’t understand him, couldn’t understand what he was ever saying, I knew he loved me, but why wouldn’t he fight for me?

Working on our communication for three years, meant fighting for three years. Crying. Breaking up and getting back together. Driving each other crazy. Accusing each other of things. There were times where we were at each other’s throats. But we were committed and we were going to make our relationship work.

And one day, it clicked. I’m not sure when it happened. I’m not sure how it happened, but one day we realized we weren’t fighting anymore. And our relationship was affectionate, light hearted, and it felt like the beginning all over again, but different, familiar. Comfortable.

I’d learned to be patient and wait for him to find the words he needed to express himself. And he’d learned that he needed to be direct. He’d also learned to incorporate me fully into his feelings and decision making and that it was okay to be vulnerable. We learned how to respect each other’s differences.

I still work on my patience and do my best to be understanding, even when I really don’t want to be. And, at times, he still slips into his old communication habits. Which is generally when I say, “I’m not doing this with you right now. Just tell me what you want. Or what you’re feeling.”

I didn’t understand at the time why we had to struggle so much. It seemed ridiculous, looking back, it makes sense. And it made us a better couple, a stronger couple, and without those hard years we would not have lasted. Sometimes, our flaws, our bad times, make us better. And sometimes you have to fight with everything you have.