Sometimes I’m fed up with everything weighing on my shoulders, the stress pushing me to the point where I feel like my shoulders will physically snap. I lash out, snap at him, and think that maybe if I leave things will get better. That maybe if I walk from my responsibilities life will be easier.
But nothing is ever that simple.
I’ll take out my frustrations by criticizing him. I’ll be hypercritical, as if that’ll make it better. Sometimes I can be so foolish. And sometimes I do it without even realizing it.
I can be a handful.
A long time ago David told me that my criticisms hurt his feelings. I hadn’t realized I’d been criticizing him. And it hurt me that I was hurting him. I worked hard to change my mindset.
What I did realize, was that the more upset I was with myself, the more critical I was of everyone else. And that’s not fair to anyone.
This is one of the things I hate most about myself. I hate hurting others, so when I retort with a biting remark or a sharp criticism, it eats at me. There’s no reason for me to be cruel to others because I’m uncomfortable in my own skin or I’m overly stressed.
Over the years, I’ve become a lot better. I rarely find myself critical or cruel. I spend more time trying to be empathetic, and more attuned to David’s needs.
Keeping my mind focused in this way has helped me be kinder. And I think it’s pulled out more of my “goodness.” I’m always going to struggle with this. I’m always going to be flawed, but I can be a better person.
I’m not always a loving wife. Or a good wife. But I’m grateful for the understanding David has and our determination to make each other better.