Brielle’s Last Ultrasound

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We had our scan today and the technician was really nice. She knew this was probably our last scan and took extra time and let us watch Brielle move around. I cried my eyes out. I pretty much cried my eyes out the whole appointment. My fluid is in the mid 40’s, so it’s holding steady, which is really good. Now the bad news. Brielle isn’t growing. Since last months measurements she has not put on weight, in fact these measurements had her smaller. Dr. B said that probably wasn‘t right and she was probably around the same size as last time. Her length and bones have grown, but her weight has not. Until Dr. B saw that he was fine with us waiting another 2-3 weeks to have her, with weekly ultrasounds to make sure she was okay, of course. When he saw that her weight had not changed, he made it very clear we needed to deliver either tomorrow, Monday, or Tuesday. We’re leaning towards Monday, and I’ll call tomorrow and schedule the c-section. Then I can give everyone a time and stuff.

Another bit of good news, he is very optimistic about her brain being highly functional. She is very responsive and active still and she’s showing only good signs (weight being the only bad one). So he is optimistic. He’s doing his best to give Brielle her best chance at living and I am incredibly grateful. If her brain matter is strong enough then she has a pretty good chance. But if it’s not, the vessels in her brain may burst after birth and she may bleed out quickly or slowly, depending on the bleed.

I’m terrified and heartbroken. I do not want my sweet Brielle to leave me. But either her brain is causing a nutritional problem or my placenta isn’t giving her what she needs. I don’t want her to go and this is the moment I’ve dreaded for the past twenty weeks. I’m going to make a list of specific prayer requests that David and I have, and I’ll post that later.

David and I are going to give Brielle the best weekend we can. Right now David is making one of her favorite meals, pineapple, red pepper, chicken stir fry. She’ll be a very happy baby tonight. I’d appreciate any suggestions you may have on things we should do this weekend.

Prayers

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We have an ultrasound today and will be talking to Dr. B about delivery options. Please keep us in your prayers and please pray that we can get a good picture of her head. I need to know if Brielle’s brain is showing signs of deterioration. I’m having a very hard day, this may be the last or one of the last scans we have of Brielle.

Daniel 3:17-18

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*Update on Brielle last night and our chat with the minister.*

Brielle was such a silly girl last night! We watched the pilot of the new show Supergirl and Brielle really liked it. She was kicking up a storm. We then watched the Bones and Sleepy Hollow crossover, Brielle liked Bones, but wasn’t too crazy about the Sleepy Hollow episode. She’s so funny, I have no idea what was so stimulating about Bones and Supergirl, but she had fun! Later that night David read her “Little Red Riding Minnie” and Brielle loved that story too! Which is good, David had been reading some duds that she was not enjoying.

*If you want to skip the theology talk, just read the last two paragraphs. And I’m not claiming an opinion on this at the moment, I feel like I am still in the process of forming an opinion. So make what you will of the theology talk.*

Okay, long update about our talk with the minister on Wednesday. So some background information about David and I. We were raised on opposite ends of the spectrum in regards to church theology. I was raised Church of Christ which tends to not believe in supernatural things, such as miraculous healing. David was raised Pentecostal, which believes in supernatural things. David grew up hearing about healings and such, I was raised to believe those stories were made up. Skepticism was pounded into my head from infancy, whereas David has a more natural skepticism, perhaps even a healthy dose of skepticism. Combine college with my upbringing and I hardly believe anything, not something I enjoy about myself. I must add, this is not a criticism of mine or David’s upbringing, but rather a statement of our past.

David has been praying for healing this entire pregnancy, I have not been open to that idea until the beginning of October. It took quite a bit of strong nudging from God for me to finally listen, again, skepticism. So I’ve spent the past month reading everything on the subject, learning as much as I can. And what I found was wild extremes that resulted in an even deeper confusion and ignorance on my part. But I did realize that the Bible was pretty clear that healing is something that happens and something as Christians that we should be open to. So David scheduled a meeting with someone we could speak to about all of this and give us advice. What do we need to do? Are we doing enough? Is our mindset off? David and I were both lost as to what we needed to do and we needed help, advice.

The minister explained to us the far right and left of healing theology. From those on my end, to those who believe it and claim it. Meaning those who say God has healed my (fill in the blank) and because I have declared it, it will be done. He explained the problems with both. One gives no room for God to work in our lives, the other makes it so that we have to do all the work in our lives and we end up battling our faith and belief instead of trusting God’s will.

He proposed that healing falls more in the middle of these two opinions. That it is something that still and does happen and that we should be open to it and “by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” (Philippians 4:6). But that God can answer in varying degrees. He could answer with a no, he could answer with a process of healing, and he could answer with miraculous healing.

If he answers no, it’s not because he doesn’t care or want to, but rather because there is more to the situation than we understand. Similar to how a parent handles a request from a three to four year old. Their request may be perfectly acceptable, but saying yes may not be the best option. Personally, I don’t like that answer, but really, no one does.

If he answers with a process of healing, he also has a reason for that. But this was interesting to me and something I had wondered about. Does God ever kind of heal, can his healing be tampered with, and does his healing take time? Well that’s what this option was about. The minister believes that when we pray for healing, not miraculous healing, that God answers with a process of healing. Meaning things begin to change, and if something goes wrong because of outside forces, such as medical or personal intervention, that can cause a problem and get in the way of what God intends.

Then we talked about instant or miraculous healing. And this was interesting, because I just assumed God would heal instantly. He said that sometimes God answers a healing prayer with instant healing, but that a lot of times, you need to pray for miraculous healing to get that instant result. And even still, God may not answer how you want.

We talked about wanting proof and how that isn’t a bad thing to ask for and doesn’t lessen our faith. We talked about how an ideal faith is trusting God with the outcome, no matter the result.

“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3: 17-18

Then we talked about what has happened in our situation. We told him about how Brielle suddenly developed teeth, her weight and measurements were suddenly brought into the normal range, the physical things I had felt when we had prayed, and the improvement in her mental state. We explained how Dr. B seemed confused and bewildered at times and we shared other experiences that had occurred during this pregnancy. The minister looked stunned and said that since we hadn’t seen a confirmation of full healing, that he believed God is in the process of healing her and that the things we had seen may have very well been confirmations that she is improving.

It was incredibly encouraging to hear affirmation from someone who has experience with this. David and I feel a bit lost at sea through all of this, and it was good to have someone to talk to and encourage us. We definitely needed it. Our doctor’s appointments aren’t what I would call encouraging or hopeful. They feel more soul crushing and pessimistic.

Even When it Hurts

Take this fainted heart
Take these tainted hands
Wash me in Your love
Come like grace again

Even when my strength is lost
I’ll praise You
Even when I have no song
I’ll praise You
Even when it’s hard to find the words
Louder then I’ll sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise

Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again

Even when the fight seems lost
I’ll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell
I’ll praise You
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I’ll sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise

And my heart burns only for You
You are all You are all I want
And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing till the morning has come

Lord my heart burns only for You
You are all You are all I want
And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing till the miracle comes

I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise

Even when the morning comes
I’ll praise You
Even when the fight is won
I’ll praise You
Even when my time on earth is done
Louder then I’ll sing your praise

I will only sing Your praise

 

I’m Twenty Five Today

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My Mother and I on the day I was born.

I’m twenty five today. Brielle is 37 weeks today. My Mother and I have individually spent the day thinking about how I am almost in the exact same situation she was in twenty five years ago. She didn’t know it, but she was about to have a daughter (she was expecting a boy) and I am a few weeks away from having a little girl as well. Today is a strange day, it should be a happy day.

When I was a little girl I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, a mom. When I was four I “married” Batman and we had twelve kids. Twelve. Over the years I’ve been asked to choose a profession, a degree, a goal in life. Being a mother was never an acceptable answer, but it is all I’ve ever wanted to be. So I should be happy, I’m twenty five today and I am a mother. I’m a mommy to the best little girl that could ever exist. But I’m not happy. I’m grieving, I’m afraid, I’m deep in despair, and I just want all of the pain I’m in to stop. I want to hold onto Brielle and never, ever let go. My body is ready for Brielle to arrive, my heart and my mind are not. It’s the last thing I want. But my body can’t keep up anymore. So I’m sitting at home crying, because the day she arrives is getting closer. And I just want to keep her inside me for forever. I’m spending the day mad at myself for being upset, when I should be celebrating a milestone that I share with Brielle.

Last week we had such high hopes and great news from our visit to the doctor. Thursday we went back for another scan. David and I fully expected to see improvement or complete healing. We got the opposite. My fluid levels were up to 44 cm, Brielle wasn’t breathing, and my placenta, although still in the normal range, is not doing as well as it used to. David has remained optimistic, but I am not optimistic by nature. In this way, I struggle much more than David does. It’s not uncommon for a baby at this stage to not show signs of breathing, so it may not be a bad thing. She was moving so much we couldn’t get a clear picture of her bones, so who knows if anything has changed. And my fluid levels? We’re completely confused. My body is doing better than it was at 30 cm, David can wrap his arms around me and grab his wrists, and the areas of my skin that were stretched to the max at 47 cm are flabby and loose. My body is showing no physical sign of increased fluid levels (quite the opposite), but the scan says differently.

I spent the rest of Thursday crying or sleeping. And today I’ve just hurt, pain so deep that every breath hurts. David keeps telling me he won’t give up, and that I shouldn’t either, God’s not finished yet. And I won’t give up, I haven’t. But I’m tired. The past seventeen weeks have pushed me mentally, emotionally, and physically past my breaking point. And I’m exhausted, in every way. I don’t have the strength to hope, to grieve, to even think.

My Mom raved about a Bible study she did on Esther by Charles R. Swindoll. So I bought the book and have started the study. Last night, after I had cried my eyes out talking to Brielle, I picked up the book and read the second chapter, hoping to find some comfort. It was interesting, nothing too comforting, until about eleven pages in.

“God can move the hearts of the rulers of this world wherever and whenever He wishes. And, in case you’ve forgotten, He is in no hurry. We tend to think that if God is really engaged, He will change things within the next hour or so. Certainly by sundown. Absolutely by the end of the week. But God is not a slave to the human clock. Compared to the works of mankind, He is extremely deliberate and painfully slow…This is the big picture that we need to see if we are to put our anxieties on hold. God is at work.”

I wanted complete healing for Brielle for my birthday, but that’s not what God wanted. He has a different and better plan and I have no idea what that is. I don’t know how to do this part. I don’t know how to trust or hope, and quite frankly, I’m too tired to actively learn. So I’ll wait and believe. And I’ll believe that God understands my pain and that he will be patient with me. I don’t like this, I want relief and I want things done my way. But that is a rather petulant attitude to have. And God is undeserving of this. He has answered every single prayer I have asked of him. And, in the past twenty weeks he has saved mine and Brielle’s life at least four times. I shouldn’t complain or doubt, he’s taking care of us. But I would be very grateful if he would give David and I a break from this rollercoaster we’ve been on. At least I know he understands and he isn’t angry with me for my weakness.

“As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him, for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust…” Psalm 103: 13-14

So today I will be sad, I will cry, and wallow in my own misery. But I will continue to believe that God isn’t finished and that he will completely heal Brielle. I’ll also grieve knowing that he understands and doesn’t expect me to be strong all the time, I’m allowed to be weak, because I am just dust. And he is far greater than I could ever imagine or understand.