For the past month Brielle hasn’t been super responsive. She’s still been active, but wasn’t responding like she used to. Since Sunday she’s been more like herself. She’s been craving certain foods again (like grapes, which mommy isn’t super crazy about) and responding to music and books again.
Today I felt well enough to go grocery shopping, which I haven’t been able to do in a while (I did it without pain and without swelling!). I bought Brielle a new book of fairy tales and when we got home I read her “The Princess and the Pea.” She liked that story! Silly girl did lots of wiggles when I read about the “fake” princesses, I guess she thought they were funny!
My 25th birthday started out a bit rough, as mentioned previously. By the time David came home I was in much better spirits, but I still wasn’t thrilled about the day, to say the least. We decided to open gifts first since our reservations weren’t until 8:30. My parents had sent a good size Amazon box and an outfit they had ordered a few weeks ago arrived as well. David loves to spoil me (be worried about our children) so he bought me a romance novel, a K-Drama that I love, flowers, a cake, and a gift card to the spa for after Brielle is born. He also got me a very sweet card. He loves me.
I opened my parent’s box and was so surprised. It was filled with things for Brielle! Happy patterns and cute newborn outfits. I was so excited by them. David said in a disappointed voice, “Your parents outdid me this year.” He was not happy about that lol. I spent quite a bit of time looking at each thing and putting the newborn outfits together. David was excited about them too, but kind of jealous that I wasn’t as excited about his gifts. Poor David. Seeing all of those things for Brielle made me so happy and cheered me up. It was so fun imagining her chubby, little legs kicking out of her onesie. So cute! David then said, “How do you put those things on and how do you change a diaper? Do you take the whole outfit off?” It hadn’t occurred to me that I needed to teach David how to do those things. We needed to have a crash course on babies.
We had a nice dinner out, which Brielle enjoyed as well. We have a bit of problem there, she enjoys expensive steak a bit too much. We’re not continuing that for her after she’s born. Mommy and Daddy are still having good steak though.
When we came home, David grabbed Brielle’s American Girl doll, Grace, and I set up a station on the coffee table to teach David how to change a diaper. That was interesting. Not because of David, but because the doll was not flexible – at all. We had a lot of fun though! David did such a good job, he’s worried he won’t do it right, I kept telling him that he will know. He’ll know what to do and he is already doing such a great job. He said he wanted to be a good daddy. I told him he was already a great daddy. Brielle loves him so much! He’s still worried, but hopefully not as much. To be fair, it is quite a bit to take in and learn when you’ve never been around newborns before.
Saturday we saw The Martian, which was good. We have read the book a couple of times and the book is hysterical, terrible language, but hilarious. The movie was not so funny. We still had fun and Brielle liked it too. After the movie we went to a Carter’s store and bought Brielle a bunch of outfits. That was so much fun! We both enjoyed that, David was amazed at how tiny everything was. I even had fun doing laundry that night. I washed all of Brielle’s little clothes and blankets. It made me so happy to fold a little stack just for her.
Overall I had a great birthday weekend. It started out really rough, but spending time with my sweet family was all I needed. I got to spoil my little girl, eat cake, spend time with David, and get dog snuggles from my sweet fur children. And we had an amazing Sunday. It was an emotional birthday, but a great one.
Look at Rosie and Emmy. Do you think they want cake?My white cake with white buttercream cake.Look at all the gifts Brielle and I got!David trying his best to put clothes on the doll.Still trying…He did it!
Take this fainted heart
Take these tainted hands
Wash me in Your love
Come like grace again
Even when my strength is lost
I’ll praise You
Even when I have no song
I’ll praise You
Even when it’s hard to find the words
Louder then I’ll sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again
Even when the fight seems lost
I’ll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell
I’ll praise You
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I’ll sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
And my heart burns only for You
You are all You are all I want
And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing till the morning has come
Lord my heart burns only for You
You are all You are all I want
And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing till the miracle comes
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
Even when the morning comes
I’ll praise You
Even when the fight is won
I’ll praise You
Even when my time on earth is done
Louder then I’ll sing your praise
I’m twenty five today. Brielle is 37 weeks today. My Mother and I have individually spent the day thinking about how I am almost in the exact same situation she was in twenty five years ago. She didn’t know it, but she was about to have a daughter (she was expecting a boy) and I am a few weeks away from having a little girl as well. Today is a strange day, it should be a happy day.
When I was a little girl I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, a mom. When I was four I “married” Batman and we had twelve kids. Twelve. Over the years I’ve been asked to choose a profession, a degree, a goal in life. Being a mother was never an acceptable answer, but it is all I’ve ever wanted to be. So I should be happy, I’m twenty five today and I am a mother. I’m a mommy to the best little girl that could ever exist. But I’m not happy. I’m grieving, I’m afraid, I’m deep in despair, and I just want all of the pain I’m in to stop. I want to hold onto Brielle and never, ever let go. My body is ready for Brielle to arrive, my heart and my mind are not. It’s the last thing I want. But my body can’t keep up anymore. So I’m sitting at home crying, because the day she arrives is getting closer. And I just want to keep her inside me for forever. I’m spending the day mad at myself for being upset, when I should be celebrating a milestone that I share with Brielle.
Last week we had such high hopes and great news from our visit to the doctor. Thursday we went back for another scan. David and I fully expected to see improvement or complete healing. We got the opposite. My fluid levels were up to 44 cm, Brielle wasn’t breathing, and my placenta, although still in the normal range, is not doing as well as it used to. David has remained optimistic, but I am not optimistic by nature. In this way, I struggle much more than David does. It’s not uncommon for a baby at this stage to not show signs of breathing, so it may not be a bad thing. She was moving so much we couldn’t get a clear picture of her bones, so who knows if anything has changed. And my fluid levels? We’re completely confused. My body is doing better than it was at 30 cm, David can wrap his arms around me and grab his wrists, and the areas of my skin that were stretched to the max at 47 cm are flabby and loose. My body is showing no physical sign of increased fluid levels (quite the opposite), but the scan says differently.
I spent the rest of Thursday crying or sleeping. And today I’ve just hurt, pain so deep that every breath hurts. David keeps telling me he won’t give up, and that I shouldn’t either, God’s not finished yet. And I won’t give up, I haven’t. But I’m tired. The past seventeen weeks have pushed me mentally, emotionally, and physically past my breaking point. And I’m exhausted, in every way. I don’t have the strength to hope, to grieve, to even think.
My Mom raved about a Bible study she did on Esther by Charles R. Swindoll. So I bought the book and have started the study. Last night, after I had cried my eyes out talking to Brielle, I picked up the book and read the second chapter, hoping to find some comfort. It was interesting, nothing too comforting, until about eleven pages in.
“God can move the hearts of the rulers of this world wherever and whenever He wishes. And, in case you’ve forgotten, He is in no hurry. We tend to think that if God is really engaged, He will change things within the next hour or so. Certainly by sundown. Absolutely by the end of the week. But God is not a slave to the human clock. Compared to the works of mankind, He is extremely deliberate and painfully slow…This is the big picture that we need to see if we are to put our anxieties on hold. God is at work.”
I wanted complete healing for Brielle for my birthday, but that’s not what God wanted. He has a different and better plan and I have no idea what that is. I don’t know how to do this part. I don’t know how to trust or hope, and quite frankly, I’m too tired to actively learn. So I’ll wait and believe. And I’ll believe that God understands my pain and that he will be patient with me. I don’t like this, I want relief and I want things done my way. But that is a rather petulant attitude to have. And God is undeserving of this. He has answered every single prayer I have asked of him. And, in the past twenty weeks he has saved mine and Brielle’s life at least four times. I shouldn’t complain or doubt, he’s taking care of us. But I would be very grateful if he would give David and I a break from this rollercoaster we’ve been on. At least I know he understands and he isn’t angry with me for my weakness.
“As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him, for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust…” Psalm 103: 13-14
So today I will be sad, I will cry, and wallow in my own misery. But I will continue to believe that God isn’t finished and that he will completely heal Brielle. I’ll also grieve knowing that he understands and doesn’t expect me to be strong all the time, I’m allowed to be weak, because I am just dust. And he is far greater than I could ever imagine or understand.
God is healing Brielle and doing great things! I woke up Monday morning and was able to get in and out of bed by myself, as well as do basic everyday things I had not been able to do previously, due to my high fluid levels. Each day I was able to do more and more and my stomach size became smaller and smaller.
Today we had an ultrasound appointment and talked to Dr. B. My fluid levels had dropped from 47 cm to 34 cm! I dropped that much fluid in four days! That is not done. When Dr. B called us back to his office to review the scans, he watched me walk into the office and just looked at me with an extremely puzzled expression. David has been laughing about it all day, because Dr. B looked completely baffled. He asked, “Have you been exercising?” I laughed, “NO.” We talked about my fluid levels and he was very happy to see them down and have talks of amnio reduction off the table. But he was thoroughly confused. The impression that I got was that polyhydramnios does not, suddenly, or rapidly decrease. And the only explanation for this rapid decrease is that Brielle’s swallowing reflex has been healed. Which means God is healing Brielle’s brain and head!
We looked over Brielle’s scans and measurements. Our last measurements she was very underweight and it looked like she would be a very small baby. She’s 5 and a half pounds today. At 36 weeks a baby should be about 6 pounds. Her legs are a week and a half ahead, meaning she has really long legs! Not too much of a surprise considering her parents are tall. Her abdomen, which had been small, had considerable growth, still behind, but not by much.
And now here is the really cool part. Tooth buds develop in a fetus in the first trimester. Brielle has not had tooth buds (meaning she would not have teeth). As we were going over her scans today, David asked what a white line was across her face, near her mouth. Dr. B in a bit of a surprised tone says, “Those are…tooth buds, she has tooth buds.” It is rare for an anencephalic baby to have teeth. Brielle has developed teeth sometime in the past week! At first I just thought that was cool, but then I started thinking how long it takes for a fetus to make tooth buds (weeks) and then how awesome God is to have given her tooth buds. Later it hit me, he wouldn’t have given her tooth buds if she wasn’t going to need them. Brielle is going to need to chew!
David and I are overwhelmed with joy and excitement! Brielle is not completely healed, yet, but she is well on her way. God is doing great and amazing things with her! Things that are not done. I have prayed that God would do this in a way that would bring him the most glory and praise, this week was not the week for full healing, because it wasn’t the right moment. We eagerly await the right moment and in the meantime are incredibly thankful and awe struck of God and his work. He has heard our cries and has stepped in and begun healing her. We have an awesome God!! And we believe God will heal Brielle!
David and I will not stop praying for healing until she is completely healed. We are also giving prayers of thanks and praise. Please join us in thanking God for the miracles he is performing with our baby and asking him to continue healing her. I am humbled and deeply, greatly, thankful that I serve such an amazing and merciful God!
(We will need to request the picture with her teeth because we did not receive that one. The images we did receive were blurry because she is getting so big and because she was wiggling all over the place! Once we have it, we will post it.)
lovingbrielle.com 