family

The Pinterest Trap

~ lovingbrielle ~ 1 Comment

I’m easily dissatisfied with my things. I look at my Ikea office chairs and only see what’s wrong with them and what I’d rather have. The gash in my breakfast table annoying me, a gash I could fix, but I don’t. Instead of enjoying my living room arm chairs, I’m frustrated with it’s square arms, because I’d rather have a balloon chair.

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*sigh* a dreamy balloon chair…

I scroll through Pinterest and Instagram bombarded with perfect pictures. The lighting is just right, the artwork is impeccable, houses polished and designed to perfection. And I feel sub par, shamed by my hand me down white nightstands covered in black dog hair. Frustrated with my flickering Good Will lamp.

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I am in love with Studio McGee’s design style.

SMH. If only I had an unlimited budget or a large chunk of cash. That would make me happy, right? If only I could design to my heart’s content. If only I could have everything I ever wanted, that would be enough, right?

I know better. Time and time again I’ve given myself exactly what I want, and yes, it makes me happy. I’m pleased with my purchase. Pleased with my shiny new item. But it’s newness fades. And there is always something better around the corner.
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At the end of the day, I realize, I’ve yet to master gratitude. I’m displeased with my things, because I don’t appreciate what I have. I don’t see their value anymore. And I am keenly aware of how this behavior evolves. So I check myself. I wrestle with myself.

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Blurry, but it’s our silly little Rose!

Because what happens when the newness wears off of things that matter? What happens when I view others as items and objectify them? When I get frustrated and shamed by my lack luster things, I lose focus on the things that really matter. I spend more time focused on beautiful things, shiny, new things, rather than my family.

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Emmy Lou sitting like a big girl and getting snuggles.

And when I step back and watch my dog babies smile for hours because I took them on a walk, I find joy. When I listen to David’s day and find joy in his joy, I find contentment. When I observe the raw beauty of my surroundings, the changing seasons, the mountainous terrain to the north, and the vibrant city to the south, I find peace. My heart is full. My heart is at peace.

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Emmy and Rosie’s new neighborhood friend, Rocko.

I come home and my square arm chairs don’t bother me as much. I look at my things and I’m reminded how blessed I really am. I watch my family interact with each other. Rosie giving Emmy sweet kisses, David lighting up with happiness and laughter, while he snuggles all three of our girls (Emmy, Rosie, and Brielle Bear) and I step back and look at how rich in love I am, and I think to myself, “This is enough. This is joy. This is what matters.”

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Rosie helping us catch Pokemon. 

 

Prayers & Support For My Uncle David

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

My Uncle David (my Dad’s youngest brother) has recently been diagnosed with a very aggressive form of lung cancer. This has been a huge surprise to family and friends and a shock for all of us.

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Uncle David with his daughters.

That being said, he needs all of the prayer, support, encouragement, and help he can get. We all seem to know someone dear to us who has fought cancer, so I’m sure you can all imagine how difficult this is for Uncle David.

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A very grainy picture of Uncle David and the cousins (as well as a few significant others).

We all want to give him the best treatment he can get and as much support as we can. If you are able, could you please donate to his medical GoFundMe fund. And I would also ask for prayers:

For Uncle David as he battles against this disease

For strength and will power to battle cancer head on

For healing and miraculous remission from cancer

For peace and hope for Uncle David

For my Grandmother

For my cousins, his daughters

For Uncle David’s friends and family, that we can all be a source of love and encouragement for him, and that he’ll be surrounded by more love than heartache

 

I Did The Right Thing

~ lovingbrielle ~ 2 Comments

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I hung up the phone and felt relieved. I didn’t realize it at first, but as I kept driving I noticed my shoulders were looser. I felt good. At peace. And I knew I did the right thing. I asked God to take over the situation, I had done what I could, it was His turn now. I followed that with, “Show me where you want me to go and I will go.”

This was the second and final call that I had with my parents (technically my Father). I won’t go into details, but Christmas, specifically, the day after Christmas put David and I in a very…difficult situation. And we were faced with the very difficult decision of continuing a relationship with my parents.

I have had a very, ah, strained relationship with my parents, for quite a long time. And I can’t be held accountable for every problem in this relationship. I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect, but I can’t fix a one sided relationship. It became clear that we needed to discuss our future children’s physical and emotional safety, and having my parents around, violated my family’s well being.

We called my parents and I spent an hour trying to make amends, only asking for an apology. They refused. Denying any and all wrong doing, for my entire life. Which is, kind of, absurd. In case you all were wondering, nobody is perfect. And I have never expected my parents to be perfect. We are all flawed, and I understand my parent’s flaws, probably, better than anyone else. And all I asked for was an apology. Specifically, an apology and family therapy.

David and I felt that was a reasonable request. I had already apologized, I felt it would be correct to return the favor. And, clearly, there are issues, we need a mediator. They refused. And I went six months without hearing a word. Oh, I heard they were saying things about me that are untrue, but I hadn’t heard from them directly.

And then he called. I knew why he was calling, so I answered. I also thought I’d give him another chance to fix the relationship. I thought that was fair and that they deserved that. And so, I reinstated my offer, an apology and family therapy. It didn’t go well. But I stood firm, and told my Father that if they wanted to have a relationship with me they could, but only under those terms. Once again, he declined. I told him that the door was always open, but that I would no longer be answering his calls. We hung up. And I was at peace.

For the past six months I’ve been hard on myself, questioning my decision. Did I do it right? Was it fair? Did they really understand my offer of reconciliation? I felt guilty. Ashamed. Abandoned. Rejected. Alone. I want a relationship with my parents. But I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. My husband deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. And while that may happen in front of friends and family, behind closed doors is a very, very different world. I deserve to be loved and this response is not loving.

I gave them another chance. I made my offer painfully clear. I stood up for myself. And they chose to walk. And so I am at peace. What I asked for is fair. It’s reasonable. And I’m not asking anything from them, that I have not already done, or offered to do.

And so I’m moving on with my life. For those that have been lied to, I’m setting the record straight. I’m not going to bad mouth my parents, but I’m also going to be honest about my decision. I am, and have gone, no contact with my parents. This was a very hard and a very painful decision for me. I would ask that my decision be respected and understood as final. However, my offer will always stand. They will always have a door back into my life, they just have to take it.

Brielle Bear’s First Sunday at Church!

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment
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Daddy and Brielle Bear. He loves his little girl.
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Selfie with mommy.

We brought Brielle in her urn bear to church on Sunday. I dressed her in one of the church outfits we’d bought her in October. I was so nervous, I thought it would be weird or we’d look ridiculous. But it felt right. David carried her in and we sat with some friends. We took turns holding her through the service. David wanted to hold her the most, he’d take her from me and would say, “It’s my turn to hold my little girl.” It was cute, he needed her there just as much as I did.

Our friends were very supportive and thought it was good. They’ve been very understanding and encouraging. And it was just nice. My arms didn’t ache as bad. I didn’t feel like I was falling apart. It felt right. It felt right, to bring her to the place she loved most.

David and I don’t have a grave site to visit or decorate. We have Brielle bear. And even though Brielle isn’t a part of this world, she still exists, and David and I are still parents. And we still need to parent her. We need to love her and celebrate her. And we’re still connected with her, so it’s not as simple as just saying, “She’s with God now” and moving on.

I don’t know what she sees. I don’t know what she knows. No one does. She loved God and church. She’d jump for joy when the pastor said, “Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.” She danced when we sang praise songs. So David and I feel it’s right to still bring her to church, she’d want that.

We still need to honor Brielle. We still need to celebrate her and acknowledge her. And we’ll figure out our way of doing that. I’m not going to apologize for remembering Brielle and I’m going to do what’s best for my family. And right now, bringing Brielle to church is what is best for us. If she can see us, I think it made her happy.