family

This Christmas

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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I’ve always loved Christmas. My parents did a wonderful job of keeping it magical. We had a bit of an unconventional Christmas every year. My parents saw little use in using Christmas as a religious holiday since Jesus was born in the spring. Instead, Christmas for our family was a family holiday. They weren’t strict about it, we just never focused on that part of Christmas.

Growing up we’d drive twelve hours from Ft. Worth, Texas to St. Louis, Missouri where my Mother’s parents live. We’d get up the next morning and drive four hours to Chicago where my Father’s family lives.

We would spend a few days there with his family and celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve. My Dad has three siblings and our Christmas’s were loud, filled with laughter, and great food. My sister and I would play with our cousins, we’d see Santa, and everyone would buy presents for each other at the last minute. Santa (Papa) would come visit us and my uncle would rile us up as we waited for Santa to leave. We’d all take turns opening presents and while we did receive a lot of gifts, it was never about that. We were there to be with our family.

Christmas morning Santa would fill our stockings. My parents would wake Tessa and I up very early, we’d see what Santa brought us (my Mother still does this) and then we’d get back in the car and drive four hours back to St. Louis.

Grandma Brady would be cooking like a mad woman. She’d have fresh pies made and the Christmas dessert table filled with goodies (she’d keep the table filled and open for days). We’d have a late lunch with my grandparents, uncle, and sometimes with my aunt and her children (“the boys” as we refer to them).

Later that night we’d open presents and have a fun night joking with family. The Brady family is incredibly witty. Some years we’d have a white Christmas and would go sledding in the backyard. We would cram as much family time as we could in a few days and then head home. Where Santa had found my sister and I. The holidays were filled with joy and love. And I’d look forward to it every year. And this year I want nothing to do with it.

I thought I’d be better. I thought I could do it for Brielle, incorporate her still into our loving family celebrations. Instead, I change the radio when Christmas music comes on. I spent the morning sobbing when church had their Christmas concert. And I felt guilty because I kept David from attending. I have no desire to decorate for Christmas. I don’t have the joy I once had for it.

I don’t spend my days curled up in a ball sobbing, I only cry on occasion. I still laugh and smile. I go about life like normal. I don’t look or act differently. But inside all of my joy is gone. For the rest of my life I’ll wonder who she would be at Christmas. Would she like Santa? What would she think of snow? Would she be a brat about presents or would I have taught her how to behave well? What kind of letters would she write to Santa? And what would she request every year for Christmas? What would her interests and hobbies be? I’ll never know.

We’ll have other children, but they won’t replace her. They will never replace that joy. They’ll bring a new joy, but it’s not the same. And anyone who says otherwise has never lost a child. How can I ever enjoy Christmas again without my family? Brielle will never have a Christmas, she’ll never join us. I should have given her a Christmas before she was born. I’ll regret that for the rest of my life. She might have liked Christmas music. I didn’t read her “Madeline” or “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” (she probably wouldn’t have liked that one anyways, it was written by Dr. Seuss). I want to know what she thought of those things.

I’ll be happy for the family that I still have. I’ll put up the tree. I’ll bake goodies and keep traditions alive. But my heart won’t ever be the same.

The Most Heartbreaking Thing About Our Time With Brielle

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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This is another hard post for me to share. It has to do with the harsh realities of being with a dead body. Again, a little graphic. I know it’s strange that I’m sharing these details. But there may be people who are (will) going through a similar situation as I am and I want them to be aware of what happens, how it feels. I wish I had thought to ask someone what to do in these situations. No one tells you how to preserve a body, but still spend time with it. A really awful and weird thing to talk about. Fair warning.

“After our family left, David and I spent time with Brielle. We snuggled her and I took a nap with her as well. We could tell that her eyes were starting to deteriorate and it broke our hearts.

Matt (our nephew – David’s brother’s son) had told us he would come down after work on Friday (from Chattanooga). He arrived around 9:30 PM. It was really nice to see him. David and I both commented on how serious he was and that it was the first time he had looked his age and even looked old. That made me a little sad. He’s easy going like David and generally looks young and carefree, I didn’t want him to carry our burden too. He held Brielle and was very somber. He seemed happy in a sad way. Happy to meet her, but sad that it was this way. This was his first female cousin and really the only one he would have spent much time with. He was very gentle with her. It was sweet.

By the time Matt left, Brielle’s eyes were so fragile they were about the consistency of jelly. Just touching them and they felt like they would collapse at the slightest touch. It broke our hearts. I texted Lauren and asked her what to do. She told us to wrap her in ice, in this very elaborate way, and then to put Vaseline on surgical gauze and cover her eyes with the gauze and then put a hat on top of her eyes. It tore David and I up, thinking of covering her eyes forever. We took last pictures with her with her eyes exposed. I cried the whole time. All I can see is my beautiful daughter, it breaks my heart just thinking of having to hide her face to protect it from decay. Awful, awful moment. One of the worst times in our lives.

We took lots of pictures and then put her in her bassinet. We took a long video of her cute little body. I documented every little part of her and described what it was all like. We looked at every part of her and I cried over each. She truly is beautifully and wonderfully made. She’s perfect. Perfect hands, perfect feet. Beautiful legs and arms. She had such a strong body. I’ve never seen a baby with such a strong body. After we videoed, we wrapped Brielle in her ice pack swaddle. The saddest thing we ever did.

The ice swaddle was difficult to figure out at first and then made perfect sense. We had the nurse bring us gallon bags of ice and we used chux pads that were in the room with me. And then three receiving blankets. As I was doing this my hospital band caught Brielle’s leg and cut her. I nearly fell on the floor crying. I know and knew at the time that it didn’t hurt her, how could it? But it hurt me. It felt like a knife to my heart. I had inadvertently hurt my baby. I had damaged my sweet perfect Brielle. I put a band aid on it, to make it better, I’m her Mommy that’s what I do. Then I realized if it’s pulled off it might peel her skin off. At that point I curled up on the bed and bawled. Horrible, stabbing, heart wrenching pain. David wrapped his arms around me and told me it was okay. He did his best to console me.

We then covered her eyes with gauze and Vaseline. That was even worse. We lost half her face in the process and it tore me apart. I know David felt the same. We couldn’t bare hiding her. Covering her face. It felt like we were betraying who she was. I know it was for the best, but that doesn’t change how it feels. And it was awful to lose that. It felt as if we had lost another piece of her. Like she was slowly disappearing in front of our eyes. It still rips us apart. Had I known at the time that I’d get to see her eyes again it might not have been as hard, but I didn’t know that. David and I thought this was the last time we’d see Brielle’s face. And it felt like goodbye. This night felt more like a funeral for us than her actual funeral did.

After she was covered and her body prepared for preservation, I gathered all of her toys and opened the Rachel’s Gift box. Inside was a beautiful blanket, very soft, a gorgeous knit bonnet, and another toy for her. I called that toy her Angel Dragon Bear. I’ve never understood why bears need wings. Which is why that bear’s name is Angel Dragon Bear. I get my awesome naming skills from my Indian family.

We wrapped her up, tucked her in tight, and propped her on her side so that I could see her as I slept. I put her elephant in the bed with her with it’s arms on her side, guarding her. Her purple rubber ducky on the top left corner (the left corner near her head) and I snuggled the two teddy’s the Angel Dragon Bear and the pink fuzzy bear that Linda gave us, at her feet. I made sure everything was perfect for her. And then I sobbed. And sobbed. David and I tried to comfort each other, but it was just awful. It felt like we had ripped our own hearts out for the betterment of Brielle. I think this moment may have been worse or just as bad as when she died.

David and I went to bed that night completely heartbroken. I didn’t sleep with Brielle that night either, but kept my body and hand as close to her as possible. This broke me. This night was impossible and I’m not sure how we got through it.”

Brielle’s Picture Day

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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My family has nicknamed the day after Brielle was born as “picture day.” This was the day that the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer came. We had a bittersweet time taking pictures of Brielle. This picture is of my Dad holding Brielle in one of her pretty dresses (Lauren gave us this one).

“The night before a girl with Rachel’s gift had come in and talked to us about things and she had swaddled Brielle very well. I kept wondering if Brielle would have really liked that, she liked swimming so much, but I couldn’t ask Brielle what she wanted. I may never know what she would have preferred.

Chris (the bereavement coordinator) talked to us about Rachel’s gift stuff. She made sure we were being taken care of and came to do molds of Brielle’s hands as well. I believe Jamie showed up while Chris was there. (Brielle’s hands had become stiff after she died and were hard to get molds of. By the next day her hands were soft again. I kept her warm because I snuggled her so much and it made her limber again.) Chris did a beautiful job with the molds and her hands came out wonderfully. She had to get two molds because Brielle’s hands were so big for a little baby. She would have been a very tall girl! Jamie stayed a while and talked with us, she loved on Brielle and commented on how beautiful she was and then left to get back to her job.

I would nap a lot and would sleep with Brielle. (Personally, I’m not a big fan of co-sleeping, but I figured there wasn’t any harm in this case, Brielle was already dead.) And nothing made me happier than to have her in the crook of my arm. I’d wake up and see her sweet little face, I’d rub her cheeks, and squeeze her closer to me. Both Chris and Jamie had commented on how limber Brielle was and how warm and wonderful it was that my warmth and love had kept Brielle feeling alive.

My family arrived in the early afternoon. Everyone loved on Brielle and held her when they got to the room. When the photographer arrived we started with Brielle’s bath. Mom and Grandma helped a little, but David and I did as much as we could. Mom and Tessa had positioned the bathing stuff on my food table as close to me as possible. I moved to the edge of my bed and David and I began her bath.

We washed her little chest and started on her face. Her face took a lot of time and work, I hadn’t anticipated that. I got her hair and face clean and cleaning off the blood revealed the most beautiful dirty blonde hair. It had little strands of gold in it, it’s precious. It was long too, like two inches! And had the sweetest curls. I was mesmerized. Her poor brain was in such rough shape. Her head had not developed well at all. She had maybe 5-10% of her brain (frontal lobe, although it looked like there were multiple lobes inside). You could even see straight through to the brain stem. Her brain and head are beautiful. And it amazed me that she was capable of so much and yet had so little brain matter to work with. It really boggles my mind.

After I’d cleaned her face, we put her in the basin and cleaned off her front side. David did such a good job and was very gentle. Mom was a huge help too and helped support Brielle as we worked. I thought Brielle looked adorable in the basin. The way she laid there made her look like a baby in a hot tub. I washed her little back and David did his best with her little bottom. I helped him with that. She has the cutest booty.

Grandma helped on my side to bathe Brielle and put her strawberry lotion on. Grandma was so tender and gentle with her. I appreciated it so much. I put on her pink diaper and requested pictures of her in the diaper. I know that may seem like such a small thing, but it’s those small things that I miss doing with her. After that we took pictures in her pink bloomers and her silk bonnet. It was a good thing we had that slightly too big diaper too. Brielle’s butt is so tiny it wouldn’t fit properly in the bloomers, she needed some padding!

She looked absolutely beautiful in her bloomers and bonnet! She took my breath away. It made me happy to see her in her outfit. I had dreamed of how cute she’d be in both of those things. She was then changed into her ballet outfit. That was a tight squeeze! Her legs are so long that she really didn’t fit into her preemie outfits. Mom and Grandma had to change her into her outfits, I just couldn’t do it by myself. The photographer helped pose and position her. We took a picture with the Silver Slippers book (the first book she liked) and she looked darling. It broke David’s heart to see that his little girl wouldn’t get to wear these clothes alive.

She was then changed into her white lace preemie outfit with her white micro preemie hat. She had such a tiny head. That outfit fit the same and they had to really squeeze her in. I put my necklace with the heart pieces that Emily gave me around her neck. We took pictures in this outfit with all of her special gifts. Her quilt and blankets from the ladies at church, her special toys that had been gifted to her, her special jewelry, etc. She looked so precious. The photographer left after that and said she’d get the pictures back to us and they’d all be in black and white. Dad also took a lot of pictures and I’m excited to see those.

After she left we continued pictures. We took one more set of pictures of Brielle in her mermaid outfit. That was so cute! I loved her in her sea shells. Grandma and Mom had to bend her legs and were very thankful that her butt was so tiny, otherwise she wouldn’t have fit into her mermaid tail! Brielle has such long legs, arms, feet, and hands. She would have been tall. I love that about her. She has such a strong body. I held her in her mermaid outfit and I smiled so much. She looked amazing in it and it made me happy. It also made me really sad. I remembered our Halloween together and how I had dreamed she’d be alive in this outfit.

Then we took pictures of Brielle in her white wedding gown/burial dress (this is not the dress we used at the funeral) that Lauren had given us. It was very princess looking. But it didn’t fit Brielle! Her shoulders are too broad to fit into that little dress! I thought that was hilarious, Brielle would have been a strong girl! Grandma and Mom did their best to fit her into it. Her bonnet, everything, just looked beautiful on her. I am one proud Mama! We all took pictures with her in that outfit. I’m glad we did, that outfit was just gorgeous on her. It also broke my heart, and it broke David’s heart to see her like that. So beautiful, but so sad because she’s gone. So many dreams and plans we wanted to share with her and they’re gone.

My family left not long after that to have dinner. Grandma was going home the next morning, so she said her goodbyes to Brielle, David, and I. She was beyond wonderful with Brielle. She had helped Mom with the house and Bernice and she was tender and loving to Brielle. She would say things like, “Come here sweet girl, you poor baby, beautiful little girl” etc. She would fuss over Brielle and speak so sweetly and gently to her. She teared up and cried more than I’ve seen her do in my whole life (Grandma isn’t the emotional type). We all saw a side of Grandma that we had never seen before. And I was sad to see Grandma go, it was really nice having her here. It meant a lot to see how much she loved Brielle.”

 

(Some of Brielle’s pictures from her picture day, where we dressed her up in her cute outfits and took pictures together as a family. Pictures by the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer will be labeled NILMDTS. Dad touched up Brielle’s skin in a lot of these pictures to even out the mottling. Fun fact, he used my skin in the pictures to even it out, Brielle and I had the exact same skin tone.)

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Part Four: Brielle Meets the Family

~ lovingbrielle ~ 3 Comments

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Here is the last part of Brielle’s birthday. Brielle’s anencephaly was very severe and David and I don’t feel comfortable sharing images of her face. There are people who will take these images and misuse them. That being said, the images I post with this post are the ones I feel comfortable sharing. I refused to cover Brielle’s face during our time with her. It felt wrong to hide who she was. There are more pictures that I will share in the future from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

“I remember them asking how I wanted the family notified and I didn’t know what I wanted. Lauren and Dr. Bootstaylor went out and updated the family. The next thing I remember was being back in my room and Brielle still on my chest. David took Brielle and walked towards the window and started telling her about the sun and what it looked like. He was showing her around the room, even though we both knew she was dead. Later, David told me that he didn’t think there was a point in showing her the sun. I told him that even though she was dead, that didn’t mean she wasn’t still there and wasn’t happy to hear him talk to her.

I remember a flurry of nurses everywhere. I think Lauren asked if I wanted the parents to come in and I asked if Bernice should come in and David said yes. We didn’t know if his mom would be able to handle the situation. Lauren wrapped Brielle in blankets that she had brought. They came in and held Brielle. I think my Mom held her first, then my Dad, and then Bernice. They all cried. Bernice stood in the back and sobbed. My parents were very upset as well. They didn’t look like they wanted to leave.

Tessa and Zach then came in and held her, Tessa had a very hard time with it. I can barely remember this. People were asking me questions but I didn’t know how to answer. Grandma and Ari then came in. Grandma looked very upset. Ari held her and I couldn’t tell what she thought or remember what she did. I was struggling to stay awake at this point.

Emily came in and looked very tenderly at Brielle and held her, rocked her back and forth. She was very kind to her. At this point my memory begins to become a bit clearer. Her mom, Haekyong, then came in and met Brielle. Haekyong stayed for a while and looked lovingly at Brielle. She loved on me as well, held my hand, and stroked my hair. During all of this meeting Brielle time, I kept dozing in and out and struggling to stay awake.

After Haekyong left, Ari came back in and the rest of the family joined her. Then everyone was in there and things were livelier. Lauren began to do memory making. I had Brielle with me for most of the time. At other times I would hand her off to other family members and they would love on her and look very kindly upon her. It made me happy to see Brielle so cared for.

At one point something was mentioned about putting on a diaper and one of the nurses was about to do it and I said, “No, let David do it!” I called for David, it took about all the energy I had to stop her and call for him. He came over and I found great joy from watching him put on her diaper. If you remember on my birthday we practiced putting on diapers, this was a new thing David wasn’t sure how to do and I wanted him to have that experience with Brielle. He was grateful for that later. Linda helped him and he did such a great job. I could tell he was very happy that he had put on her diaper. David held her and loved on her a lot too. And that made me incredibly happy. In some ways it made me happier to see him with her than for her to be with me. He was so perfect with her. He loved on her, doted on her, cared for her. He was just perfect. He helped Lauren do molds and prints.

The time seemed to fly by. It felt like she had just been born and then it was seven pm. And I was confused. I was so exhausted. Nurses kept asking me questions, but I was never sure how to answer. Lauren filled my Mom in on things, but I couldn’t tell what. I saw Lynda the charge nurse say something to someone about how beautiful our family was and how special we all were and she was crying, she said this as she was leaving and changing her shift. I don’t know why she said those nice things, but I appreciate them regardless. I wish I knew who she had been talking to and what she had said. Robin stayed a little late too and helped me. And the other nurse for that shift came in and helped me. They asked me about pain pills and I said nothing until everyone had left and we had finished our memory making.

Dad walked around and took a lot of pictures. Lauren offered me things for Brielle and I picked out a few things, she gave us a lot, but I couldn’t understand a lot either. Linda was very sweet and kind (also a minister’s wife). She gave me a special card and brought me special booties, bonnets, etc. She was so kind. She stayed late and after everyone had said goodbye to Brielle, David, and she made sure I was tucked in and comfortable and that Brielle was sleeping as close to me as possible. She had brought in a bassinet for Brielle and put her bed next to mine. She had filled her bed with Brielle’s toys. Linda also gave Brielle a sweet pink fluffy bear and a beautiful crocheted angel. She placed both in her bassinet. And the angel on top of a very bundled Brielle.

I fell asleep holding onto Brielle’s bassinet and I woke up later with my hand still gripping the edge of her bassinet. The small little girl that was the nurse in charge of that room and us woke me up a while later and told us it was time to move to the other room. Brielle was put back on my chest and David loaded everything in a cart for us. She asked if I wanted to cover Brielle. But I said no. I refused to hide my daughter. Brielle was bundled up like she had been while I napped. I held her close, cried, and told her I loved her. I just looked at my beautiful baby and cried. So proud of her. We passed a couple of nurses on the way to the room.

When we got to the room our nurse was waiting on us, her name was Alicia. I helped move myself into the new bed. It wasn’t a seamless experience, but it wasn’t bad either, just a lot of big furniture in a very tiny room. The little girl helped Alicia get me settled and then left. Alicia told me that we would need to remove my catheter and get up and walk around 2 AM. I asked her if we could wait until morning so that I could sleep, she said she would check with the doctor. They did vital checks and such too. I also asked if the rail on my bed could be put down so that Brielle could be as close to me as possible for the bassinet. She said they weren’t supposed to. I didn’t fight her, but after she left I cried and cried. I just wanted to sleep with Brielle, but was afraid it wasn’t allowed. I was drugged, in pain, exhausted, and grieving. The whole situation broke my heart and I had very little will to do much of anything. I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t want to go on. I just wanted my baby back.

David positioned me so that I could be as close to her as possible. He lifted the bed so that it was just about as high as it could go and I did my best to touch Brielle as I slept. David settled in on his bench and made himself as comfortable as he could be.

The nurses were all very respectful and left me alone to sleep that night. They checked vitals a couple of times, but I was pretty much out of it. I slept as close to the edge of my bed near Brielle and fell asleep with my hand on her sweet little tummy.”

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Part Three: The Delivery

~ lovingbrielle ~ 2 Comments

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This post is about the delivery. What happened and how Brielle did. There are some graphic elements I talk about. I don’t see a point in keeping them from you all, I haven’t kept anything else from you, why start now? This time, is what David and I struggle with the most. These moments we had with Brielle were beyond painful. No one should watch their child struggle and die. But, we also wouldn’t trade that experience with her, because it was her chance to show us what she felt and how strong she was. She was amazing.

“Dr. Bootstaylor let David come into the OR with us, Lauren and Jamie waited outside. Dr. Bootstaylor is so funny, technically the husband is not allowed until the anesthesiologist has given the okay, but he didn’t care. He just let us come in and waited to see if Dr. Phoenix was okay with it or not. Dr. Phoenix wasn’t there so David had to go back out and wait in the family room with Lauren and Jamie. David has some funny memories from that wait, which was like a 45 minute wait.

Robin had me step on a stool and get up on the operating table, which was extremely small and had me wondering how I was going to fit. Dr. Bootstaylor hung out with me for a bit until Dr. Phoenix arrived and we talked about things. He was really kind and encouraging. I can’t remember what we talked about, it wasn’t pivotal or anything, just pleasant conversation. I could tell he was trying to put us all at ease, everyone knew what a hard surgery this was going to be. He stepped away to scrub in when Dr. Phoenix arrived, I appreciated Dr. Bootstaylor keeping me company to comfort me until Dr. Phoenix arrived.

Nana, the midwife for my case came over and said something about if I was part of the faith. I told her that I was and she talked to me about how we don’t always understand why things happen, but that God has our best interest at heart. She is a minister’s wife. She stood with me the whole time and encouraged me. She put her hands on my shoulders and comforted me the whole time I waited for Dr. Phoenix and while he injected the needles into my back and put in the spinal block. Everyone said that would be a horrible experience, but it really wasn’t bad at all. When he asked me to bend over the chairs were too close together and I told them I’d have to spread my legs more if I was going to bend over. My belly was huge! Brielle had been moving around, but I forgot to remember her last movement in my tummy. When he injected the spinal block I began to feel a numbness, but I wasn’t as numb as I expected.

They had me get on my back and move my feet where they were touching each other, pad to pad. They began to put monitors on my arms. The man behind me was monitoring my vitals and pain levels. Nana came and stood to my left. I was pretty numb by this point. As they put up the curtain I began to cry and Nana asked what was wrong. I told her I’ll never feel Brielle move again. It had just hit me that I had forgotten that moment and to remember it. I then asked, in a very worried voice, where David was. Nana said they wouldn’t start until he was here. A few minutes later I felt Brielle move up near my stomach. It felt like she was flipping or doing some serious wiggles. It made me so happy. God and Brielle gave me that sweet moment and I’ll treasure it forever. At one point Nana came over and told me of a song that just kept coming to mind, it was a hymn and I can’t remember exactly what it was. But it was encouraging. God had a hand in bringing her into the OR.

David joined me after what felt like an eternity. I was so scared. Lauren stood behind David and David sat in a chair behind my left arm and shoulder. Nana stood near them. The OR was not that big. After they were settled, Dr. Bootstaylor began to cut me open. I wanted to cry with anxiety and worry. I couldn’t tell when my water broke, I couldn’t really hear what was going on at all. People told me that my water broke. They told me there was a lot of water. I then felt a huge amount of pain near my stomach and I was extremely nauseous. I felt Brielle trying to burrow into my stomach and I just kept feeling more and more sick and in more and more pain. I think David said something about how he saw a hand. I kept trying to look at the light above that was directed towards the operating field for Dr. Bootstaylor. I could see reflections of things and I just kept watching, waiting to see my little girl.

I was so full of hope and worry at the same time. David said he saw both hands come out and then I heard that she was born. Dr. Bootstaylor held Brielle up for me to see. And I knew. I knew that she was dying. I could tell she had very little brain. Brielle was blue, her eyes weren’t moving or blinking, she wasn’t crying, and she wasn’t breathing. I remember I said, “Brielle.” In agonized worry. David cut the cord quickly and Brielle was rushed to my chest. The cord wasn’t milked, she wasn’t pulled out in a breech position because she fought Dr. B, she didn’t want to come out. Things did not go according to plan.

I immediately began to love on Brielle. I kissed her and she twitched. I felt a huge bit of relief because I was afraid she was already dead. I kissed her more, told her I love her, told her how beautiful she is, and sang her “I’ll Love You Forever.” She twitched as much as she could. Blood and fluid came out of her nose and mouth and onto my chest, it was so hard to see. She held on and fought so hard. David recorded it all and I am so thankful, it was so hard to remember exactly what happened. I picked her up at one point and laid her in a better position on my chest, I wrapped her arms around my neck. Kissed her little hands, told her how amazing she was. I didn’t stop, David didn’t stop telling her how loved she was and how special she was. And she loved it, and she did her best to communicate back to us how much she loved what we were saying and how much she loved us too. I asked Lauren if I should try breastfeeding and she said no. That’s when I knew that there was no hope. I am kicking myself now for not praying for a miracle, I was too caught up in the moment and my sweet girl to focus on prayer. I just have to trust that others were praying for me. Dr. Armand came over at one point and basically told me that we didn’t have much time, I was confused by everything he was saying. I couldn’t process and I just wanted to soak up what I had. I asked him how much time and he said within the hour. It broke my heart, but I turned my attention back to Brielle and continued telling Brielle that I loved her. David was rubbing on her back and telling her the same.

Nurses would come and change out towels for warmer ones. Everyone was doing their best to keep her comfortable in her last moments. David later said that everyone in the room looked really upset, they had all been hoping for a better outcome. Nana was humming a hymn to herself and trying to keep herself together.

As Dr. Bootstaylor was closing me up I began to have extreme pain. I tried to keep it from Brielle, but it was agonizing. The man behind me (I don’t remember his name, I later found out he was also a minister) offered me more pain medication, but I refused because it would make me drowsy. The pain kept getting worse, and he kept offering, but I kept refusing, I didn’t want to fall asleep on Brielle. She needed me to be strong. He eventually began to beg me to let him give me medication, at that point I was crying out in pain. I finally agreed, mad at myself that I had let Brielle see me in pain and crying. He gave me medication and I had to constantly fight to stay conscious. I just kept telling Brielle how special she was. I would nod off for a couple of minutes and Lauren or David would wake me up and I’d go back to loving on Brielle. At one point I began apologizing to her and telling her I was doing my best and I was sorry we were in this situation. David later told me that when I would nod off he would comfort and love on Brielle. That made me feel a lot better because I kept beating myself up for letting Brielle down. But when I was weak, David stepped in and loved her for me. It’s not all up to me. Brielle would twitch in response to our words of love and comfort. And when she would twitch I’d say, “Oh there’s my baby! There’s my sweet girl!” I’d get so excited and it would make her excited. She understood, she understood what was going on and that we loved her. And she was fighting for us so that we could know how much she loved us too. I never would have guessed how much that meant to me. At one point Brielle gripped David’s finger as hard as she could. This meant so much to David because it was something he had dreamed of. He’d always wanted his little girl to hold his big finger. She did that for him.

Robin came and checked Brielle’s heartbeat and said she couldn’t hear anything, but that she wasn’t sure it was gone, just very faint. Brielle was in a very awkward position and it made getting her vitals difficult. So David and I tried even harder to love on her and let her know how special she was. She wasn’t twitching anymore and as we told her how special she was David and I saw one tear come out of her left eye. It broke my heart.

Later, Linda came and checked on Brielle and said she didn’t hear a heartbeat. She said that she was just a nurse and Dr. Armand would have to confirm. I didn’t lose it. I think I already knew and that’s why I was okay. I of course wasn’t okay, but I didn’t go into hysterics. When Brielle was on my chest I could feel her heartbeat beating so hard, by the time Linda came over I could no longer feel it and it had been a while since I had. I knew she had been slipping away. By this time she was solid blue, her hands looked like blue chalk.

After this everything became very fuzzy. David said that Linda lifted Brielle off my chest for a moment and wrapped her in towels and then sat her back on my chest. He says I didn’t want her to leave me, which sounds like something I’d say. I was transferred from one bed to another before that. I can’t remember any of this, David is telling me. I just remember holding Brielle.”