Healing

A Look Back At The Past Year & The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

~ lovingbrielle ~ 1 Comment

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I have been silent for quite a bit of the past year. It has been one of the strangest years of my life. But I’m not writing this to rehash what has already been said, rather, I’m happy to share with you how this past year has changed me and while I could write a book on this past year alone, here is my small attempt at communicating the transformation I have gone through.

I’ve stepped back and looked at my life, a childless mother, a young caregiver, a victim, a survivor and I’ve asked myself over and over again, “Who am I?”

I’ve felt the weight of Brielle’s loss in a strange, almost surreal, way. Life went on and David and I were left with a gaping hole in our lives. Walking through everyday feeling as if she was only a dream. Asking ourselves if our reality is really real. I’ve dealt with the hard questions of, “Does God really answer my prayers? Does he really care?”

In the fog of my trauma and pain, I decided to pursue new relationships within my church, and signed up for a morning bible class and an evening bible class. I didn’t check the subjects we’d be studying. I didn’t expect much at all. As I sat there during the first class, a study on 2 Timothy (the Entrusted study by Beth Moore), I was shocked with how relevant the study was to my current season in life, but was also shocked at how seriously this church takes their bible studies. They weren’t messing around, these classes expected memorization, homework, deep personal and spiritual growth. We were going to dig in and root out the chaos of our lives and find our calling.

I watched myself transform as I dug into scripture, a true fire igniting within me. I have lived my entire Christian faith filled with questions and seeking answers. I would turn to those around me and receive criticism for even venturing outside of the confines of order, but I have always been spiritual and have felt a deep connection with God, could no one explain to me then why this was? Could no one explain to me my purpose? Could no one guide me and help explain to me the truly, spiritual, almost supernatural, things that have occurred in my life?

No, not one. In my search for answers, I have spent the past six years (previous to Brielle’s conception) in search of a church that felt alive. A place where I could feel God’s presence and see a sincere devotion to God’s calling. I wanted to see Christians who sought to do good and who were transformed by Christ. The unfortunate truth is that our nation, our world, is largely disconnected from it’s spirituality and Christians do not always behave in a Christ like manner. In the church we call this a Form of Godliness.

I walked out of class a month ago, hurriedly walking to my car, when I felt the pull of God’s voice on my heart and mind, “Go back. Go back and ask them to pray over you.”

I swerved, “Uhh, I don’t know about that. That’s weird. That makes me uncomfortable. God, I’ll just send them an email.”

I felt that all familiar pull at my heart, “Go back.”

“Do I have to? This is weird.”

“Go back and ask them to pray for you. Go back.”

I stopped, awkwardly standing in the parking deck, turned around and stormed into the chapel. I grabbed one of the women whom I greatly admire for her candor, she would not mislead me or sugar coat things, I wanted to be corrected, I wanted Godly advice. She grabbed another woman and I another.

They sat me down and gathered around me as I spoke to them of my past, the loss of Brielle, and the conviction on my heart. I asked desperately for discernment as I faced new paths in my life. They placed their hands on me and prayed over me. Praying for freedom from those who have prayed against me. Praying for freedom from my pain and trauma. Praying for discernment, blessings, and healing.

As they spoke, I felt a warmth encircle my head and spread through my brain. I felt it move through my body and felt a weight disappear from my shoulders. I could breathe easier. I could smile easier. My aches and pains, my heartbreak, my world, glowed in a pure sense of happiness and relief. I felt free for the first time in my life.

They directed me towards scriptures that would aid me through this process and I returned home. David was astonished, he had never seen me so carefree. My therapist was happily shocked and my scores for depression, anxiety, and anger have reduced by more than three times.

I happily joked about how ridiculously crazy I sounded. I laughed at how many would mock my crazy spirituality. And I found joy. Over the past three weeks I have watched my life transform into something sincerely beautiful and full of life, joy, and happiness. God has filled me with more joy and blessings than I could imagine. He has revealed to me my calling in life and set me on my path. I have experienced things that I had only read about in the New Testament.

My heart is free. I can begin again. And as I reach the milestone of Brielle’s first birthday, I find myself joyful. I have work to do. I have growing and learning to do. I still have memories that I need to confront and grow from. But I look forward to all of this. I have been given a remarkable gift, I can begin again. My life, my world, is renewed and I can find joy in the knowledge that I can rebuild my life and myself into something beautiful, loving, and filled with happiness.

I say this often, but I have no idea why God has been so good to me. I have no idea why he has kept me safe for all of these years. But I am thankful. I would be lost without him. I look forward to a new year of love and happiness and discovering who I am in Christ. And, while I am not ashamed, I hope I won’t scare you all off. 😉

 

 

Finding the Miracles in Unanswered Prayers

~ lovingbrielle ~ 1 Comment

Thank You

When I saw Brielle for the first time my heart broke. And at the same time I had peace and suddenly had a strength that I could not explain. I swallowed my pain and gave her my all. David struggled, he struggled with anger, bitterness, and hurt for the rest of the day. We both struggled with heart break. I don’t want anyone to get the idea that we both aren’t haunted by this day.

Yet, surely you have all seen how blessed we were with loving family, friends, and medical staff. We were truly, beyond blessed that day. God was in every moment of that day. As Brielle was put on my chest all I could think was, “Okay. This is it.” And as I looked at her poor little brain I realized what a miracle it was that she was born alive at all.

Brielle had maybe 5-10% of her brain. There really was nothing there. The tissue had not developed well at all. The venous structures were not strong, but instead very fragile. Her brain stem had not even fully formed. Brielle’s heart rate was 60 beats per minute when she was born. That’s less than half of what it should have been. She never took a breath. And yet, she managed to twitch and respond to David and I. She remembered the lullaby I would sing to her. She understood, “I love you.” She was able to grip David’s finger. She was able to cry. She lived far longer than she should have. All of those things are amazing. And David and I feel, were given to us, her ability to say goodbye to us and for us to do the same, was a blessing. She shouldn’t have been able to do all of those things on her own. And she did.

At 34 weeks a component is introduced into amniotic fluid. I’ll spare you the chemistry talk, but in babies with neural tube defects, this component is elevated. It essentially eats the neural tissue. David and I did see a decrease in activity, in cognizance from 34-37 weeks. I told myself she was just tired. I refused to accept that she was lost. We had seen a membrane on the ultrasound, it would protect her. It didn’t. She wasn’t just tired and unresponsive for three weeks. The weekend after my birthday, October 18, I talked about how I felt something inexplicable.

Church had been on everything David and I had been studying and praying. We went down and Brielle was prayed over for healing. I felt a warmth in my belly and a stretching. She began to respond again. She began responding to music, dancing, wiggling. She was back to her happy self. We assumed that healing had begun. Looking back, I think it was more of a gift. And who knows, maybe I’m crazy. But after going through everything, it felt more like a merciful gift. Her whole life felt like that.

It felt as if God was saying, “She won’t survive, but I can give you more time. I can bring her personality back. I can give you the physical strength to carry her and the extra fluid. I can surround you with love. I can let her say goodbye to you.” There’s no denying that there was a sudden change that day. She did improve. I improved. God kept us safe the entire pregnancy.

We survived a near car wreck with a semi, a near plane crash (fire trucks were waiting for us when we landed), and a heart problem that suddenly vanished. I had the physical strength to carry not only her, but obscene amounts of fluid. The most fluid one of the nurses had seen in forty years of nursing.

I don’t know why God didn’t completely heal Brielle and let her live. I don’t doubt that he can. I still believe he can. But I don’t know his reasons. One of the things David and I prayed for was that if she was going to suffer in life to not heal her. I did not want her to struggle or suffer tragedy. I prayed that he would spare her that kind of future. Regardless, David and I don’t know why she died, why he didn’t step in and heal her the way we wanted. But I trust him. That doesn’t mean I don’t get mad or frustrated or struggle with his decision. But I do know, we were blessed through this entire pregnancy. And I’m thankful for all of the good things we were given, even though it hurts.

Part Two: God’s Healing Hand

~ lovingbrielle ~ 1 Comment

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Part two: Gastroparesis involves paralysis of the vagus nerve. This nerve is critical to the function of the entire body and originates in the brain stem. Damage to it causes problems all over the body. One of the things the vagus nerve does is control contractions of the stomach. Your stomach contracts to pulverize food and push it through to the intestines. Mine was broken, no contractions, no pushing out food. Because of this, I fully anticipated that I would not have typical morning sickness.

Sure enough, I never had morning sickness. I suffered severe nausea for a few weeks, but I never threw up. People would tell me I was lucky, but I was thinking, I wouldn’t call this luck. Things started to feel different as my pregnancy progressed. I could eat more foods and not suffer. My appetite was back, I was actually experiencing hunger, a sensation I had long forgotten.

I found myself loving pregnancy, because for the first time in nearly a decade I felt like a normal person. Each month I felt more and more like a normal person. I had forgotten what “normal” felt like and it was revolutionary to feel what everyone else felt. I loved it. I loved every moment of it. Pregnancy suited me.

Of course you all know the struggles I faced during my pregnancy. And physically it was difficult, but nothing compared to what I had dealt with for the past nine years. But even though I felt better, I would still get sick and could still induce a gastroparesis episode by consuming certain foods.

Throughout my pregnancy we all prayed for healing. We prayed that Brielle would live, survive, a complete and full healing. And we were all heartbroken when she didn’t survive. And while I want to talk about that more in another post, what I do want to share is a strange healing that did happen.

In rare cases pregnancy can cure gastroparesis, for reasons unknown. Of course I hoped for this, but I didn’t expect it to happen. After Brielle was born I fully anticipated that the pain killers they had me on would cause problems and that I would be sick. The smallest dose of Motrin (ibuprofen) would make me violently ill, it had been that way for years. I was taking 800 mg of motrin three times a day and percocet four times a day and had no adverse effects. I thought this was odd, but attributed this to my breastfeeding (pumping) or the hormonal effects of pregnancy.

Yet, more and more time passed and I didn’t have any GI problems. I began to eat foods that caused flare ups. Nothing. No problems. I was hungry two hours later. A normal stomach empties in ninety minutes. My stomach was behaving like it should. Odd. What about my intestines? Strangely, pain free. I did experience bloating around Christmas (one of the more annoying side effects of GI problems), but I noticed I was bloating when I ate highly processed and sugary foods. That’s really not that abnormal. Cut out the junk food and my mild bloating was gone.

While I want to wait until the six month mark to declare myself cured, I find myself marveling at this healing I’ve experienced. Here we had all been praying for Brielle and instead it was me who was healed. Me who has spent the last decade struggling to survive, is normal. Perfectly and wonderfully normal.

At first I felt guilty and it pained me. I didn’t want to be better, I wanted Brielle to live. The healing should have gone to her. She should be the one who gets better, not me. But as time passes I find myself more and more thankful. And completely moved. She fixed me. Her beautiful little life fixed me. All of her love fixed a decade of horrible damage. Nerves that were broken in both of us were cured. And the only slight problems I have are with my intestines (a whole other set of nerves).

And who do I give the credit to? Science? God? Brielle? Could they not all be one and the same? Could not all of our prayers healed me? And could not God have used Brielle and science to accomplish that goal? He is the creator, he did create science. Can I not understand the how, but also give credit to the one who created the how?

I’m still piecing all of this together in my mind. But I’m so thankful. I have a second chance. I was given the opportunity to live, because of Brielle’s life. Brielle’s sweet love healed me. I have a chance now. I might get to grow old now. And maybe I’m not 100% and maybe in a few months I’ll start having problems again. I don’t know. But I do know that right now, I don’t have any problems and that is a miracle.

Praying for Hope

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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For the past week, David and I have chosen to not limit God with our faith. So we have decided to pray for complete healing of Brielle, that she will have a long, beautiful, healthy life. And that her life and healing will bring glory to God. God has been good to us and answered every one of our prayers, so why should we doubt Him now? We understand that what we ask for may not be in the plan, and if He chooses not to heal her, we have decided to give Him thanks and praise anyways.

We believe that there is strength in numbers, if you are willing to commit Brielle to prayer, we would ask that you join us in our prayers for her. We would ask that you pray in Jesus name that Brielle is completely healed, that her brain and skull are strong and perfectly formed. That Brielle is protected from anyone and anything that wishes her harm. That Brielle is given a long, healthy life. And that Brielle’s life will bring honor and glory to God. And that David and I do not fall prey to fear or doubt and remain firm in our belief. We ask that you pray for us by name and that you ask this all “In Jesus Name.”

Two days ago, God proved His faithfulness and saved another baby from a fatal defect. After learning their baby had a fatal defect, the family and a group of friends prayed that their baby would be completely healed. Two weeks later, the parents went back in for a scan and found a perfectly healthy baby.

David and I feel that we must do everything in our physical and spiritual power to help Brielle. I know that this is an uncomfortable subject for a lot of people (even us at times), but we ask that you put your discomfort aside and join us in our prayer for Brielle. Help us in asking God to heal our baby girl.

No matter the outcome, we will give all glory and praise to God.