Prayer

Finding the Miracles in Unanswered Prayers

~ lovingbrielle ~ 1 Comment

Thank You

When I saw Brielle for the first time my heart broke. And at the same time I had peace and suddenly had a strength that I could not explain. I swallowed my pain and gave her my all. David struggled, he struggled with anger, bitterness, and hurt for the rest of the day. We both struggled with heart break. I don’t want anyone to get the idea that we both aren’t haunted by this day.

Yet, surely you have all seen how blessed we were with loving family, friends, and medical staff. We were truly, beyond blessed that day. God was in every moment of that day. As Brielle was put on my chest all I could think was, “Okay. This is it.” And as I looked at her poor little brain I realized what a miracle it was that she was born alive at all.

Brielle had maybe 5-10% of her brain. There really was nothing there. The tissue had not developed well at all. The venous structures were not strong, but instead very fragile. Her brain stem had not even fully formed. Brielle’s heart rate was 60 beats per minute when she was born. That’s less than half of what it should have been. She never took a breath. And yet, she managed to twitch and respond to David and I. She remembered the lullaby I would sing to her. She understood, “I love you.” She was able to grip David’s finger. She was able to cry. She lived far longer than she should have. All of those things are amazing. And David and I feel, were given to us, her ability to say goodbye to us and for us to do the same, was a blessing. She shouldn’t have been able to do all of those things on her own. And she did.

At 34 weeks a component is introduced into amniotic fluid. I’ll spare you the chemistry talk, but in babies with neural tube defects, this component is elevated. It essentially eats the neural tissue. David and I did see a decrease in activity, in cognizance from 34-37 weeks. I told myself she was just tired. I refused to accept that she was lost. We had seen a membrane on the ultrasound, it would protect her. It didn’t. She wasn’t just tired and unresponsive for three weeks. The weekend after my birthday, October 18, I talked about how I felt something inexplicable.

Church had been on everything David and I had been studying and praying. We went down and Brielle was prayed over for healing. I felt a warmth in my belly and a stretching. She began to respond again. She began responding to music, dancing, wiggling. She was back to her happy self. We assumed that healing had begun. Looking back, I think it was more of a gift. And who knows, maybe I’m crazy. But after going through everything, it felt more like a merciful gift. Her whole life felt like that.

It felt as if God was saying, “She won’t survive, but I can give you more time. I can bring her personality back. I can give you the physical strength to carry her and the extra fluid. I can surround you with love. I can let her say goodbye to you.” There’s no denying that there was a sudden change that day. She did improve. I improved. God kept us safe the entire pregnancy.

We survived a near car wreck with a semi, a near plane crash (fire trucks were waiting for us when we landed), and a heart problem that suddenly vanished. I had the physical strength to carry not only her, but obscene amounts of fluid. The most fluid one of the nurses had seen in forty years of nursing.

I don’t know why God didn’t completely heal Brielle and let her live. I don’t doubt that he can. I still believe he can. But I don’t know his reasons. One of the things David and I prayed for was that if she was going to suffer in life to not heal her. I did not want her to struggle or suffer tragedy. I prayed that he would spare her that kind of future. Regardless, David and I don’t know why she died, why he didn’t step in and heal her the way we wanted. But I trust him. That doesn’t mean I don’t get mad or frustrated or struggle with his decision. But I do know, we were blessed through this entire pregnancy. And I’m thankful for all of the good things we were given, even though it hurts.

Lacey

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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When I was eight we had to put, Rascal, our dog down. I loved Rascal. And I begged my parents for another dog, Mom wasn’t ready for that kind of heartbreak again. So every night I prayed that God would let me have a dog. For three years I prayed this prayer. And one day, Mom came into Dad’s office and said, “I want a dog.” At the time, that moment was the happiest moment of my life. That night we found a golden retriever breeder and went to look at pups to adopt.

There were so many cute little puppies, but there was one in particular that loved my shoe laces and followed me everywhere. I loved her. We chose her and I named her Lacey. Lacey was exactly like me and she became my best friend. She followed me through some of the toughest years of my life. She was there for me when the kids at school bullied me. There for me when I had my first heartbreak. She slept with me at night and kept the nightmares at bay. She was there during my awful teenage years and the incredible lows of that time. The most heartbreaking thing about moving out when I was seventeen was that I had to leave Lacey.

My first spring semester at college my Dad called me around four in the morning. I ignored his call, I thought he had butt dialed me or something. Until he called again. He called to tell me Lacey had died. I lost it. Dad picked me up from my dorm and drove me to the vet so that I could say goodbye. I sobbed over her and tried to ignore the clumps of hair coming off of her and her stiffening body. I couldn’t understand why she had to go then. How could she go now? Why would God do this? Why now?

The following July I found myself ready for another dog. I was moving into my first apartment in a month and wanted a companion. I searched and searched and eventually found a beautiful flat-coated retriever. She had been a rescue and her current owners didn’t want her anymore. Emmy and I became inseparable. We spent quite a bit of time together and she quickly became my first “child.” A year later we moved to Athens, GA to be closer to David. Eight months later, I adopted Rosie, my next dog daughter, from a kill shelter – four hours before her death. I made wonderful friendships. David and I built a relationship together.

David proposed, we were married, we moved into a wonderful home, I became pregnant with Brielle and we had some of the best times of our lives with her. So many wonderful things happened in the past six years. A lot of awful things happened, but good things too. I found myself thinking about Lacey’s death the other day on our way home. Lacey left at just the right time. It broke my heart, but none of these things would have happened if she were still living or had not died when she did.

I would have never moved away from Texas, I wouldn’t have been able to leave Lacey. I would have never adopted Emmy. Rosie would have died. I would have never married David. I would have never had Brielle. I would have never made the friendships I did. Now I see how Lacey’s life was exactly what it needed to be. I had prayed for her for so long and she had been exactly what I needed. I don’t know why Brielle couldn’t stay as long as she did, but I’m thankful for the time I’ve had. I wouldn’t trade that time with her.

I hope that one day I’ll know the reason for her death. Or at least see the good that came from her death. Just like the good that came from Lacey’s death. I don’t know why Lacey died when she did, but I do see how God has blessed me through the years following her death. And this is one of the many reasons I have faith. Throughout my life I have seen how God has provided and blessed me and my family. That didn’t mean we didn’t suffer or have hard times. But he was always there, still helping us, loving us, and taking care of us. And taking care of others too.

I think that’s the whole point of faith. It’s all about hope. I have hope that Brielle’s life will do good. Her life has meaning and value. And I know and can trust that God will use her life for good. When we’re in the midst of grief it can be hard to see how he is caring for us. We can become so caught up in pain, anger, and bitterness that we miss all of the good things around us. And sometimes it can even take another tragedy for us to look back and see how wonderful our lives have been because of loss.

Lacey’s life saved the lives of four other dogs (that we know of). How much bigger then will Brielle’s impact be?

“For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it…And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8: 24-25, 28

Praying for Hope

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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For the past week, David and I have chosen to not limit God with our faith. So we have decided to pray for complete healing of Brielle, that she will have a long, beautiful, healthy life. And that her life and healing will bring glory to God. God has been good to us and answered every one of our prayers, so why should we doubt Him now? We understand that what we ask for may not be in the plan, and if He chooses not to heal her, we have decided to give Him thanks and praise anyways.

We believe that there is strength in numbers, if you are willing to commit Brielle to prayer, we would ask that you join us in our prayers for her. We would ask that you pray in Jesus name that Brielle is completely healed, that her brain and skull are strong and perfectly formed. That Brielle is protected from anyone and anything that wishes her harm. That Brielle is given a long, healthy life. And that Brielle’s life will bring honor and glory to God. And that David and I do not fall prey to fear or doubt and remain firm in our belief. We ask that you pray for us by name and that you ask this all “In Jesus Name.”

Two days ago, God proved His faithfulness and saved another baby from a fatal defect. After learning their baby had a fatal defect, the family and a group of friends prayed that their baby would be completely healed. Two weeks later, the parents went back in for a scan and found a perfectly healthy baby.

David and I feel that we must do everything in our physical and spiritual power to help Brielle. I know that this is an uncomfortable subject for a lot of people (even us at times), but we ask that you put your discomfort aside and join us in our prayer for Brielle. Help us in asking God to heal our baby girl.

No matter the outcome, we will give all glory and praise to God.

More Prayer Requests

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Okay, more prayer requests. I have another doctors appointment this afternoon. The last one went well and he was receptive to the information I gave him. This time, I have even more. I’ll be sharing my preliminary thoughts on procedures that should be put in place. And also sharing with him all of the potential causes of death for anencephaly. I’ll be talking to him about ways to avoid these problems and how to save Brielle. Again, this isn’t done. Actively trying to save a child with anencephaly is not done or encouraged. So prayers for this would be greatly appreciated. Also, please pray that God can open my eyes to more information and give me more understanding so that I can figure out how to save these babies.