For those who don’t know me personally, you wouldn’t know that I am as just open here as I am in person. And sometimes I wonder if I’m too open. I wonder if I’m making a mistake. Should I be embarrassed?
I wrestle with this. And maybe I am too open, but is that really a bad thing? I really couldn’t say. All I do know is my own experience and my own reasoning. Isn’t that true for all of us?
I suppose one of my motivations for transparency lies in my faith. Christians are called to speak out about their struggles so that fellow believers can help build one another up. To keep each other accountable. Because let’s face it, following any religion is hard and it’s unreasonable to do it alone.
And that’s a big motivator for me. Do I make mistakes? Do I sin? Do I represent Christ poorly? Yup, all the time. And I want to be held accountable for that. I want to know when I’ve messed up, so that I can fix it. So that I can apologize and clean up my mess, because I will make a mess of things. I’m human. That’s the grace of God, the confidence that I can screw up, apologize, and it’s forgiven, it’s forgotten. No matter how big or small, my mistakes are always redeemable. God’s offering, I might as well take it.
But outside of my faith, I have other reasons. Memories in my past of cruelty, prejudice, sexism, and hate. I have memories of good people, respectable people, turning on me in private. Tearing into me and spreading lies about me.
When your nightmares become a reality and hell becomes a place you frequent, it becomes hard to trust. Hard to believe. Hard to hope. And living in hell taught me that I wanted to be free. That I wanted to be more than my past. My past taught me that some of the kindest people we know are often the cruelest. My past taught me to look for lies. To look for deceit.
And so I live a transparent life. I speak candidly. I want you to call me out on my mistakes. Because I know monsters and I don’t want to become one. Living in secrecy, hiding who we truly are, breeds evil, and I desperately want to be good. To distance myself from my nightmares, look in the mirror, and see a whole, loving and kind woman. I am and will be more than my past.
2 thoughts on “My Motivations For Transparency and Why I Need Openness In My Life”
I assure you dear Brielle, in the eyes of the creator you are perfect just the way you are. You are learning and growing in your own way (we all are, we all have our own path, difficulties and struggles). There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or what you do. Perhaps your doubt comes from the fact that you faced many judgemental people in your life who didn’t treat you very well.
Everything you share here is something people can benefit and learn from. It’s valuable experience, so if anything… It’s very good that you are open. I wish more people were :).
No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell. You have to go through hell to get to heaven, but it’s all worth it ;-).
You are an inspiration to many…even to those twice your age (and more!)..I will continue to pray for you, and read your words. I can assure you that you are making a difference in the lives of many, with your honesty! Continue to share..