Happy 3 Months Brielle!

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I wrote this and took this picture three weeks ago for Brielle’s third month. I’m holding Brielle Bear (where we keep her ashes).

Brielle would be twelve weeks today. It’s hard to believe that it has already been three months. In some ways it feels like it just happened and in other ways it feels like it’s been a lifetime since I held her and kissed her little toes. David and I miss her constantly. And our lives feel…odd. We feel as if we took ten steps back. In some ways we feel completely empty and broken. And in others we feel fulfilled and happy. She brought us so much joy and love and we are so thankful for that. She brought perfect goodness into our lives and we’ll treasure that time we had with her forever. I wish there was a way to hold her still. To feel her little wiggles and give her kisses. I just want to hold her again.

Pity Party for One

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I’m dealing with parental drama and I’m so done with it. It’s keeping me from grieving Brielle and I hate it. I want to talk about it, but it makes other people angry. I don’t want to hurt anyone either. I just feel like I’m trapped. I’m trying to wrap my head around what kind of people they really are and it makes me sick. Of course, they’ll tell you that they have no idea what I’m talking about.

I feel like I’m drowning. I’m having to put Brielle on the back burner as I struggle with who my parents are, suddenly becoming a caregiver, moving Bernice into our home, and dealing with David’s family drama. I love Bernice and I’m not complaining, but I never have a moment to myself. She doesn’t understand time and to her forty five minutes is a very long time. It’s made checking the FB page and keeping it updated very difficult.

I’ve been looking into other forms of dementia and I don’t think Bernice has Alzheimer’s, but another form of dementia. Her dementia is very different and I’m not sure how to help her. She doesn’t follow the typical ALZ patterns. She’s bored, and it’s been challenging for the both of us. I want her to enjoy the time she does have, but I have no idea what to do.

David’s job is a nightmare. I have quite a few choice words for his boss. In fact, there’s nothing even remotely good about him. He’s a sexist good ole boy and I’d like to give him a piece of my mind. That being said, David is miserable and beyond stressed. He told me the other night that this is the worst place he has ever worked. I hate it for him and I hate it for his coworkers who are being treated like worthless cattle. Really, there’s nothing good to say about the Atlanta office. Oh, David’s coworkers and lower management are nice, they’re also the ones who are there almost every weekend and until very late at night.

Things are just so hard right now. I just want to relax and be sad. I want to sit on the couch and just cry. I want to hold Brielle Bear and be sad that I can’t hold Brielle and touch her soft baby skin. Instead the whole world is falling around David and I. We’re tired. We just want a break.

*sigh* I’ll have a pity party for one please. I’d like a large shot of magical calorie free cookie dough, bra free months, stretchy pants, and lots of Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy, please.

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Update

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Sorry for the late replies to messages and the lack of posts recently. My mother-in-law (who has alzheimer’s) has been staying with us and we’ve been busy with house projects. I can’t leave her alone for long periods of time and she frequently needs entertaining (ideas on how to entertain her and give me free time would be appreciated, I’ve become her care giver). We’re in the process of moving her in and moving her things. It’s a strange process where we leave her alone for a few weeks and then she’s with us and then she isn’t…lol…the procrastinators way. 

Anyways, we are building five raised garden beds and will be starting a garden. I’m cleaning up the backyard because Emmy and Rosie have done their best to destroy it. They love to dig up dirt and eat it. Or dig holes in pursuit of some sort of animal. I really, really appreciate it.

I need a better office space. David has invaded mine. He had three offices. A computer closet in one of the guest bedrooms for light use, a computer opposite mine for gaming, and an entire computer lab in the basement. Well, he decided he needed to use more of my space, in other words, my entire craft table. So I’m building a cabinet system (Ikea hack) and taking away the three computer spaces and merging all of our stuff into one room. We all have to make sacrifices, David must sacrifice his computer lab and closet. I want my craft table back, dangit!

So we’ve been busy. I will also need to begin work on his mom’s house. The place kind of needs gutted and, being the happy interior decorator that I am, I am very excited for this challenge. Not so excited about the expense and work, but it has to be done. We will be using the house as a rental property, we didn’t know this, but David half owns it (he originally bought it then gave it to his mother). Never thought I’d accidentally find out I owned a house, but you learn something new every day.

I’m happily drawing up plans, the bathrooms need gutted, the flooring needs replaced. The kitchen is falling apart. I basically have a blank slate. The house has a traditional farmhouse feel, so I’m going for a more white look.

On that note, I’m creating a separate blog page for the Loving Brielle page. I am in the process of transferring over posts and organizing the posts. So if you visit the site, please know it is a work in progress. Once I get everything transferred and organized I’ll start posting more regularly and I’ll start posting more about the projects I’m doing, because I’ll be doing a lot.

I also realized I didn’t update you all on my checkups after I had Brielle. So I’ll update you guys on that and our future baby plans. I mean why not? I’ve told you guys everything else. I really hope you are all doing well, I’ve missed interacting with you all and will hopefully get more time soon.

Something’s Not Right

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Lily Allen wrote this song for her son that was stillborn and David and I feel like it describes what we’re both feeling and have felt since Brielle’s loss. David said this part reminds him of me while I held Brielle in the hospital. I’d never let her go or stop touching her, I didn’t want her to be alone.

“We had forever
We never got it together
I waited for you
For you I made it better
They kept telling me that it was unlikely
All I had to do was keep you beside me”

Our Trip to Arkansas

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Brielle with her Papa. Side note, Grandma is not dead, but her marker is ready and waiting for her. We’ve all found this to be a little odd and uncomfortable, Grandma especially so.

 

Our trip to Arkansas the weekend of January 9, was a very nice trip. It was a short trip, but David and I were so happy to spend that time with my family. Everyone was so kind to us. As a family we went to see Papa at the cemetery. David and I dressed Brielle up and we took her to see her Papa.

The last time I visited Papa I was telling him about his new great grand baby. Like I mentioned earlier, we would find out in a couple of weeks that she had anencephaly, but at that time I thought Brielle was healthy. I told him about my baby and the pregnancy so far. I told him how much I wish he were here to play with her and that I wish he could get to know my baby. I tried to stifle sobs as I wiped mud off his marker. It broke my heart to think of my baby never knowing my wonderful Papa. 

This visit was different. I wasn’t alone with him and we were all struggling with our own grief in that moment. I put Brielle down on the marker with him and David took a picture. His marker was clean from the recent rains and I found myself strangely happy and incredibly sad. It was very strange. Papa does know Brielle. They’re playing together and he’s probably spoiling her rotten. And it felt good to see them together, just like they are together now. I know without a doubt that he is making sure everything is just perfect for her.

What was sad about it all is that I just wanted to be with them. I didn’t want to imagine them in a moment, I wanted to be with them in a moment. As David and I walked back to the car I said, “I never thought I’d lose my daughter and my Papa within a year.” I felt defeated. And I accepted it. I’m without two of the people that loved me unconditionally. And I have to go on for the rest of my life with a little less love in my life. I can’t change that. But at least they have each other and they aren’t gone forever.

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Brielle is meeting her Papa!