Part One: God’s Healing Hand

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Part One: December 16, 2006 my appendix ruptured. For two days I had been complaining of severe abdominal pain. It had been so bad on the first night that I cried out for my parents for hours. The next morning I was blacking out in the bathroom. My Dad told me to take an ibuprofen and some toast. It wasn’t that time of the month and it wasn’t ovulation time. Something was wrong, but no one would listen to me. My classmates and my teachers were worried about me, but when I went to the nurse she blew me off and gave me a coke. The second visit to the nurse’s office her and Mom finally caved and I was allowed to go home.

On the second night I took matters into my own hands and got on Webmd. I put in all of my symptoms and Appendicitis came up as a possibility. I called my Mom and told her she needed to take me to the ER. She asked if I was sure, she was on her way to a Christmas party and didn’t want to miss it if I wasn’t seriously ill. I told her yes, I was sure. I knew that it had almost been a full 48 hours and my appendix was near rupture time.

We went to an urgent care clinic, they did the preliminary work and agreed it appeared to be appendicitis, but would need a CT to be sure. They started me on contrast and sent me to the ER. The ER quickly had me in a bed and on a morphine drip. The pain was so bad I kept asking for more morphine, but I was maxed out. The CT confirmed appendicitis and eventually I was moved to a room. A surgery was scheduled for the following afternoon.

As I was getting into the bed in my room I felt a horrible pain in my side. It was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life and I began screaming. The charge nurse heard me screaming and called the surgeon to tell him she was pretty sure my appendix had ruptured. He moved the surgery up to the morning. And after my appendix ruptured I felt wonderful and slept peacefully. For about six to eight hours I had an awful infection brewing in my abdomen.

The surgeon went in, saw that it had ruptured, and cleaned up the mess. I was in the hospital for a week and the first few days were tense. I was never right after that. Within six to eight months I was having horrible abdominal pain. Everything I ate hurt and the pain got to the point where I couldn’t walk. It hurt just to move. I went from doctor to doctor and they would dismiss me as too young and most likely constipated. I ended up back with my surgeon and he believed there were adhesions. A surgery was scheduled for the summer after graduation.

He went in, removed my adhesions, which were pretty bad. They had wrapped around my liver and intestines and there was a strange unidentifiable liquid hanging out in my abdominal cavity. My gallbladder was removed as a precautionary measure. I felt so much better – for two months.

Freshman year of college I began, once again, going from doctor to doctor trying to figure out why I was in such excruciating pain. For now, I’ll spare you the details of the next four years. But I spent four years searching for an answer. No one had one. I tried all kinds of dietary changes, lifestyle changes, anything to make the pain stop. Nothing worked. Spring semester of 2011 at the University of Georgia, the school recommended I see a doctor in Athens. I saw him and we did a few tests and he diagnosed me with Gastroparesis. I had never heard of it.

Gastroparesis means stomach paralysis. He offered two medications and a low residue diet. The first didn’t work. The other is blacklisted by the FDA and began to give me twitches, I had to be pulled off of it. The low residue diet helped sometimes. Ultimately, I was in rough shape with no hope of getting better. I asked my doctor what to do, and he told me to experiment. I threw myself into research and used my body as a test subject. I tried everything and anything. I had long given up on school and work. My body couldn’t handle it and by this point I was just struggling to survive. Living out a life wasn’t even on the table. Things that worked I would share with my doctor and he would write them down as recommendations for his other patients. It became an odd doctor patient relationship, where I educated him and he took notes.

I wanted to live, but my body was literally rotting from the inside out. Undigested food would remain trapped in my body for weeks at a time and nothing I did would help it out. My Dad got me an appointment at the Mayo clinic in the summer of 2012. They did every test imaginable. Including one where they dusted me with powder and baked me in an oven until I turned purple, no joke. The results? The same as the doctor in Athens, GA. I had gastroparesis and some unidentifiable intestinal problem. The doctor at Mayo told me that while he knew what was wrong with my intestines existed, he had no name or treatment options he could offer. His solution for my gastroparesis? Daily enemas. I declined.

February of 2013 I decided that if I was going to die I at least wanted to go to Europe before that happened. I chose Paris and David and I booked a trip. Two months later we were in Paris. David proposed and I felt alive for the first time in seven years. My body was functioning at a level it hadn’t in years. Why? Well I’d been in the sun almost the entire day, every day for a week. It was the only thing that had changed. Vitamin D. I needed a boost of vitamin D. I began to supplement and I noticed a marked improvement. Enough so that I began to have hope for a life again.

Slowly, I began to heal my gastrointestinal tract. David and I were married and in the winter of 2014 I went in to have blood work done to see how well my body was doing. My body was doing great and I had a proper balance of supplements to keep it functioning. I was still sick, but I at least could function. It’d taken me eight years, but I had developed a system that worked. My doctor gave me the go ahead to start having children.

Winter of 2015 I was pregnant with Brielle. I’ll talk about how this applies to my gastrointestinal health in my next post.

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Brielle’s First Concert

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I love Billy Joel. In 2009 he was on his Face to Face tour with Elton John and I flew out to Atlanta to see the concert. David got us great floor seats and we had an awesome time. It was an amazing concert. Fast forward to February of 2015 and I found out he’ll be in town again. By the time I decided I wanted to go, there were only a few seats left in the back row. Serious nosebleed seats. I was still excited.

That evening I was a complete mess. I was an oil monster, angry as could be, and just all out miserable. I felt awful and no matter how hard I tried I could not get excited about the concert. I kept thinking, “What’s wrong with me?!” David was on pins and needles around me and I was dying for the concert to be over already.

Half way through the concert I started thinking, “Could I be? No, we just started trying. Maybe? No way, it’s too early to start feeling symptoms yet.” And then, “Maybe I should just take a pregnancy test to be sure.”

I voiced my thoughts to David on the way home. He was kind of bewildered, “But we just started trying.” I let out a sigh, “I know.” I was such a cranky pants. The more I thought about it though, the more I started to get that excited butterfly feeling in my stomach.

The next day David and I went to Kroger’s and picked up a pregnancy test. I was so nervous. The test said it was most likely too early to tell, but I took it anyways. A few minutes later (it felt like hours), I checked the test. And sure enough, two very faint lines appeared. I was pregnant.

I was confused, “Why was it so faint? Is it like a kind of pregnant? That’s ridiculous Caitrin, you can’t be kind of pregnant. Maybe it’s so faint because it’s so early.” I came out of the bathroom and told David I was pregnant. “Already?” We were both shocked. Complete and utter shock.

We were excited, but shocked. We thought it would take longer. It hadn’t even been close to a month since we started trying. We decided to wait a week and take another test. By the following week I was excited, we were both extremely excited. The news had finally sunk in and I was very happy to finally be a mommy. And David had wrapped his head around being a dad and was also happy. He’d already been talking to my tummy and we had mentally adjusted to the news. We were ready.

I took the second test first thing in the morning. I was exhausted, so I went back to bed while it did it’s magic. David told me he would check it when he got up for the morning. I woke up to him saying my name, “Caitrin, there is only one line.” My eyes shot open. I’d lost the baby. It’d only been a week and I’d lost the baby. I sobbed and sobbed. I wrapped my arms around my tummy and kept apologizing to my dead baby. I was completely and utterly heartbroken.

A couple of hours later I got up for the day. I went into the bathroom and looked at the pregnancy test. There were two lines, they were just super faint. I came out of the bathroom, pregnancy test in hand, and said, “David, I’m still pregnant. You read the test wrong. You read the freaking test wrong David.” I’m shaking my head, rolling my eyes, and he’s looking at me with his confused, “What?” eyes. I’d gone through all of that heartbreak for no reason. I wasn’t even mad, just, “Really David, really? Thanks a lot.”

Lesson for all you ladies who want to have kids, don’t let your husband interpret the test. And if you start hating something you’ve always loved, take a pregnancy test.

And the good news? Brielle’s first concert was to see Billy Joel.

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Christmas

This Christmas was hard in so many ways. It seemed that my grief period occurred during the first few weeks after Brielle was born. Then I was doing pretty good and it was David who was struggling. Then a few days before Christmas, it suddenly became my turn to grieve and David was doing better. I wish grief would have given me some warning. Really, it just came out of no where. Thanks a lot grief, great timing.

I managed to make it through the second half of Christmas day with a smile on my face. But I spent the morning hiding in my bedroom crying because Christmas music was playing through the house. I don’t think people realize how difficult music is for me. Brielle loved music and I never played her anything Christmas related. I will never know what she would have liked. Then you add the newborn babe stuff on top and it’s like pouring acid on an open wound.

I had envisioned that we’d start a new tradition with Brielle. I wasn’t sure what, but I wanted to talk about it. I wanted ideas. Most days I’m mentally foggy. Grief seems to make me move and think slower than I used to. But whenever David and I would bring up Brielle, the room would get silent and the subject would change. So David and I just kept quiet. I felt like the room was closing in on me and I was carrying the whole world on my shoulders.

After my family left, I felt as if I had been emotionally battered and bruised. David and I spent the following days bingeing out on Psych (the comedic tv show) and eating obscene amounts of popcorn and Christmas desserts. Don’t judge us. And we decided that perhaps Christmas really isn’t for us anymore. So next year we plan on escaping some place else and just not celebrating. I’ll put up a small tree just for Brielle. And we’ll probably do something small for his family. David’s mom has Alzheimer’s (although she doesn’t realize it) and next year may be the last year she remembers us. To be fair, this may have been the last year. But all that is left of David’s family is his nephew and his mom, (his only living brother lives in Germany). So we don’t generally have a large Gentry Christmas. We’ll just have to make our own Wolford-Gentry family Christmas.

For those that don’t know I kept my last name, David kept his, and we are giving our children the last name Wolford-Gentry. Funny thing about David, he respects me more for keeping my name. He likes that I’m independent and didn’t want to follow tradition. I kept my name for quite a few reasons, but one of them being I’m the eldest grandchild and the Wolford name dies out with my generation. Also I’m ornery and didn’t want to change my name. And do you know how annoying it is to redo all of that paperwork? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

So after a really horrible week David and I think we’ll just go someplace tropical or really snowy next year. We’ll hole up on the beach or in a cabin and just forget Christmas. Maybe next year I’ll be pregnant and we can do something special for that baby and in honor of Brielle. But the way Christmas was, will never be what David and I can continue. Maybe we’ll take an annual cruise! Or a trip back to Paris or Dover! Who knows? We’re also thinking no presents. I don’t know. Taking a trip and disappearing from the world sounds a lot more fun. But assimilating back into a family Christmas will take time for us. I’m not sure if we’ll ever be okay with a family Christmas again. We may endure another, but I don’t know if we’ll ever be okay with it again.

Happy New Year

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There is another anencephaly mother who makes awareness images in honor of her daughter Makenna. They are beautiful and a wonderful way to honor other babies lost to anencephaly. She has made pictures of other anen babies with Santa, on virtual ornaments, and more. I can’t even begin to explain what a wonderful service it is to those of us who will never be able to watch our babies grow up. She gives us all a bit of normalcy. This is the Happy New Year image she made for Brielle.