Giving Tuesday

~ lovingbrielle ~ 1 Comment

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I think today, Giving Tuesday, is an appropriate day to talk about the wonderful doula we used for Brielle’s birth. A Doula is a professional trained in childbirth who supports a woman and her husband during, pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period. The word “Doula” comes from the Greek term meaning “servant to mother”. Lauren Bishop, is a woman who is very dear to David and I. I joined an anencephaly support group after Brielle was diagnosed with anencephaly. Lauren, also a member, reached out to me and offered her bereavement services, for free, to be a support to David and I as we went through this journey with Brielle.

Lauren’s son Ethan died on June 19, 2013 from anencephaly. Two years later, Brielle would get her diagnosis of anencephaly as well, on the same day. Sweet Ethan inspired his mother to become a doula to not only help mother’s with healthy pregnancies, but also to help mother’s facing pregnancy and infant loss, to be a support and source of strength to lean on during such a horrible time. Lauren honors Ethan’s life with this service. And she is a wonderful, amazing woman who does a phenomenal job serving other mothers. I cannot even begin to describe what a remarkable woman she is.

Donations to Ethan’s Hope go towards helping other mother’s who face infant loss. Lauren provides not only her time (late hours during the entire pregnancy, the entire delivery time, and after), she also provides memory making materials and services, photography of the entire event, gifts for the baby and the parents, her support, and advocacy. During our c-section, Lauren stood next to David and I during the surgery and helped me through that time, that was a very difficult time and I am so grateful for her support. I could not even think of the funeral during the whole pregnancy or really after Brielle was born either. Lauren contacted multiple funeral homes in Atlanta, talked to them all about options, and gave us her honest opinion of which she thought was the best. She recommended Mayes Ward-Dobbins Funeral Home, after Brielle was born, which was a beautiful wonderful place, filled with wonderful good honest people. Lauren also set up a photographer for us from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, an organization that has photographers donate their services for infant loss. We just received the pictures from that a few days ago and they turned out beautifully.

Lauren did more for us than I’ll ever be able to explain. She does amazing work with Ethan’s Hope. I wish I had had the opportunity to meet Ethan, but I do know he must have been an amazing little boy to have inspired such selfless work from his sweet mommy. And I am forever grateful to him and his mommy. And thankful that Brielle has a sweet friend to play with in Heaven.

http://www.ethanshope.net/about.html

Trusting God Through the Pain

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When I found out I was pregnant, I was beyond excited. Not just for the obvious reasons. Last Thanksgiving we got the call that my Papa’s cancer had moved to his brain and was quickly growing and he would have to be put on hospice. A year ago today, my Dad and I drove to Arkansas to help take care of him. For the next month my family helped take care of him. It was a very difficult December, to say the least, and a couple of days after we had our Christmas with him, he passed away. I wasn’t looking forward to my first Christmas without my Papa, but I was going to have a sweet new baby for Christmas. God had blessed me with a special gift that I’d treasure, that would bring joy to not only me, but my family as well for Christmas.

One of my first thoughts when I found out Brielle had anencephaly was, “What kind of sick joke is this?” To take my Papa and my daughter away from me within a year of each other, on Christmas? What kind of sick God does something like that? I was angry, but mostly deeply, maddeningly hurt. I’m still not sure why God gave us a baby on the first try, that would be born around the holidays, and then die. I hurt, but that anger and hurt aren’t at or from God anymore.

I have a lot of confusion, one day I’ll come to terms with everything. For now, I feel like an open bursting wound. And I hate it. I hate that this is happening now, at Christmas, one of my favorite times of the year. I love Christmas and this is too much.

While I hate all this pain, I’m not going to let it consume me. We get to choose how we handle what the world throws at us. We don’t get to choose what happens in our life, but our attitude we do get to control. David and I won’t be miserable, we’re going to grieve, but we’re not going to live in darkness.

This weekend is David’s birthday. We’re going to see The Nutcracker, take a Christmas historic home tour in Marietta, take the dogs to the farmers market in the square. I’m going to wear myself out and we’ll end up watching a funny movie to distract us from the grief of watching families with young children.

We’ll lean on each other and lift the other up when we’re too deep in grief. We’ll think about how happy Brielle is. We’ll remind each other that we’re not grieving Brielle’s fate, we’re grieving our own. The loss of a perfect baby that was too good for our world. We’ll have a bittersweet weekend.

I’ve said this over and over again, but I cannot stress it enough, the loss of Brielle is horrific, but her life was not. We crammed a lifetime into her ten months here with us. She was the greatest light we ever knew, she brought more joy into this world than we could ever imagine. I’m not going to let that be overshadowed by my pain. I don’t know God’s plan, but I know her story isn’t over. I’m just along for the ride, and I’ll constantly seek out ways to honor Brielle’s legacy. She’s too wonderful not to.

Happy Thanksgiving

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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Happy Thanksgiving from Brielle, David, and I! It’s Brielle’s two week birthday and we’ve had a great family day with my parents, mother-in-law, and nephew.

We have a lot to be sad about this year, but we also have quite a bit to be thankful for too.

We were blessed with wonderful medical staff at Dekalb Medical and SeeBaby.

My parents have been wonderful. They’ve been here for three weeks, slaving away, taking care of every little thing.

We’ve been blessed with wonderful new friends and love for our little girl from friends, family, and strangers.

And we’ve been blessed with a beautiful, wonderful, perfect baby girl.

We’re so grateful for everyone who has prayed for us and followed us through this year. Your love and encouragement has meant more than you’ll ever know.

Life After Death

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We brought Brielle home yesterday (we put her ashes in a soft white teddy bear, I’ll post about that later). And I spent quite a bit of the day wondering what happens now. I don’t mean for my life or David’s lives. But what happens in Brielle’s world? What does she know? Of course, I fully believe she is in heaven. I know that much. But then that’s it. And no one has the answers of what happens next, what life is like after death.

So I wonder. Time could be different there, are years more like moments for her now? When David and I come to be with her will it be as if only a few moments passed? Will she really not know a world without us at all? This is a comforting thought, she’ll never have to miss us and we can pick up where we left off. But then it’s not comforting at the same time. I don’t want her life to stand still, I want her to be free to do whatever she wants to do. I want her to be more, she was such a lively wonderful baby girl, she should have the opportunity to do more.

So is she having a whole lifetime of fun and adventure? Is she seeing and exploring things? Meeting new people, playing with her deceased family? I know they would take good care of her. Is time faster, more fluid? I have no idea. But if time isn’t slower, then what? What will it be like for her while we are away?

When I talk to her can she hear me? I know a lot of people believe this, but really, none of us know. So if she can hear me, great, I’ll talk to her all the time! But if she can’t I’m just a crazy woman talking to the air.

Can she see us? If we take her on adventures still, will she see them? Will she know we did those things for her? Will she know how much we miss her? I know she knows we miss her, but can she see how much? Do I want her to see that? Do I want her to see me grieve for her? Not really. She hated it when I cried.

Is some part of her still connected to her body? If I tote around her ashes in her teddy bear (which I’ve dressed in one of her onesies), talk to her, sing to her, read books to her, will she know? Will it make a difference if it’s with her ashes or not?

How does this part of death work? What do I need to do to take care of her? Nobody knows.

All of these questions, I feel, are critical to how I learn to live again. I need to know how to mother her still, I need to come to terms with a pattern, a way to grieve her. To show her I love her and respect her life and legacy. And I’m not sure how to do that.

Do I swaddle her cremation urn bear thing, dress it in some of her clothes, read her books to it? Do I leave the bear in her closet or her bassinet? Do I take the bear with me on vacation? What do I do with this little piece of her, her “suit”, as David calls her ashes. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. When does grief become certifiable? Nothing feels right, it all feels terribly wrong. It is terribly wrong. And this is where I am, in this horrible world, trying to figure out how to love Brielle who is a world away.

Brielle’s Visit to World of Coke

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The week before Brielle was born was not planned. As many of you know, we had originally thought Brielle would be born on Monday, November 9. My family had come in that weekend and my Grandma came not long after that. It took a while to get in touch with Dr. B, and by the time we did, he had scheduled it for Thursday afternoon. At first we were all a little frustrated with this, but we all soon came to realize what a gift this was. We had the opportunity to spend a four days together as a family, with Brielle, doing fun things together.

We took her to church, watched movies, had tasty meals. It was a lot of fun and Brielle had a lot of fun. It took her a bit to get comfortable with everyone again and she preferred the moments when it was just her with David and I, but after she became accustomed to their voices she began to wiggle happily again.

My family decided Monday night that they were going to visit the World of Coke museum. I really had no desire to do this. It seems incredibly strange to me to go to a museum about food, especially food that is in no way healthy for you. Until Tuesday morning, David and I had decided not to go, and then I thought, “No, this could be a fun outing with everyone and Brielle might like it.” Turns out, it was fun, and Brielle had fun too!

Zach (my brother-in-law) shares a birthday with Brielle, so we made sure to do things special for him while he was here, it was his 21st birthday. We went to this place called Max’s for lunch and it had a Yoda drawing inside, so we posed with it, and Brielle and I took one with Uncle Zach too!

We then did our tour, Mom and Dad made sure to get me a wheelchair and I think Dad had a little more fun with that than he should have. It can be a very scary thing when Dad gets behind a wheelchair, but we survived wink emoticon In all seriousness, David and Dad took turns wheeling me because I was kind of heavy.

The tour was fun. Brielle, David, and I took pictures with the Coke polar bear. And that was a lot of fun, the guys doing the photography asked how many babies I was carrying. I was asked that question quite a few times. I think Brielle had fun with the bear, we sure did.

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I love this picture.

We also did this 4D theater thing. That was seriously traumatic for everyone else. I was advised to sit in the nonmoving seats, so I did. I was so thankful. I think Brielle would have died if I had been sitting in those chairs. Dad sat in the row in front of me because he wanted the whole experience, a few minutes in he had moved to sit next to me. Those things were rough, but Brielle had fun with the other parts. There would be puffs of air that would come out and she would jump and wiggle each time they shot out.

We tried all of the Coke flavors. That was disgusting. Brielle and I did not like it. She didn’t even like the pineapple drink. Or the African drink that tasted like cough syrup, big surprise there.

We went through the gift shop and I bought Brielle a World of Coke onesie. Dad picked her out a Christmas ornament too. It made me so happy to get things for Brielle. I told Dad that as well. I loved planning a future with her, it was a great thing to hope.

We finished off the day with Finding Nemo, Brielle did so many big kicks. My stomach was jumping around during most of the movie. She loved the movie and I think that’s hilarious. She loves movies that are in water. The Little Mermaid, Atlantis, Finding Nemo, etc. I mean she was a mermaid for Halloween and she did have an ocean to swim in, there was enough water in my tummy for her to be an olympic swimmer.

Brielle had a good day. I’m glad we had these extra few days to give her more good days. I wish she could have more.

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