Quiet, Empty Rooms

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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This is a post I wrote a few weeks ago.

I love being alone. The television is rarely on, the trees isolate the house from outside noise, and I prefer this. I prefer quiet. I spend hours in my head thinking, lost in my own mind, and I am happy this way.

I’ll walk through my house, passing empty room after empty room, and wonder what life would be with a house full of little feet and sticky hands.

Admittedly, I stress over the chaos. Grape jelly smeared on the chairs and doors. Dog hair, crayon murals, and fighting children flashing before my eyes.

And then I think about sloppy kisses, laughter, watching them grow and thrive. I look into empty rooms and I see a full house, filled with colorful bedding, waded up clothing, and toys scattered everywhere.

I think that would be nice. Chaotic, messy, and stressful, but nice.

I’ll think about Brielle, her long legs quickly crawling across the room, her babbling, her sloppy kisses. And I think, that would be nice. I’d give anything to wipe her sticky hands. To wake up in the middle of the night with her. I’d give anything for her noise, her chaos, her love.

I walk through my orderly, empty house, and realize just how lonely and empty life is without sticky fingers. And I feel alone. I feel empty.

David’s Father’s Day Weekend

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

David and I spent this past weekend with family and celebrating Brielle. Saturday afternoon we had a really nice visit with Bernice. We had a great conversation and she was incredibly clear, even giving David some much needed encouragement. It was great to see her doing so well.

We then went to David’s second cousins wedding. David’s dad was the youngest child and David is the youngest child, so David and his second cousin, Jimmy, are just six months apart. I love it and think it’s hilarious.

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Jimmy has been a great source of encouragement to David as we’ve dealt with the loss of Brielle. He’s a great guy who’s always there when you need him. I count myself lucky to have a friend like him and to be a part of his family. That being said, we were very excited to see him marry Tammy.

The wedding was beautiful, one of the prettiest weddings I’ve ever attended. It was outside, the weather was perfect, everyone that came loved Jimmy and Tammy, it was just wonderful. And I’m so glad we were able to attend. I love David’s family, they are incredibly kind and have been very accepting of me.

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We came home that night and took Brielle to church with us in the morning. David dressed her bear in her Star Wars dress, she was so cute! Dr. Cooper was on fire that morning and gave an incredible talk on David and Goliath. The talk is part of his valleys series, God guiding us through the valleys of life. David and I love attending Mt Paran, Dr. Cooper has a message that speaks directly to us, every single week, and we always feel the spirit of God there. I’ll talk more about this message later.

Sunday evening, for Father’s Day, we took Brielle back to Dave and Buster’s and recreated the photo booth picture. It felt so good to celebrate her again. It hurt to remember the pain of her absence, but it felt good to remember all the love and happiness we shared with her.

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I think that’s one of the hardest things about grief, figuring out how to move forward. David, who has worked past the numb stage of grief, unlike me, held my hand and said, “I didn’t know how to go on. She was our world and now there’s nothing left. But this feels good, I want to celebrate her, I want to do all the things with her that we didn’t have the time for, like fly a kite. I want to keep doing her bucket list.”

This kind of took me off guard, so I was a little shocked, but David was sure, this is how he wants to move forward. So I said okay. We’ll make a new bucket list. We took her back to D&B and then, not feeling like video games, we decided to see Finding Dory. Which is a great movie.

We left Brielle in the car and later regretted it. It’s hard knowing where to take her and where not to take her. It can be embarrassing at times, carrying around a dressed up teddy bear, no one knows it’s an urn bear. And sometimes we feel silly, but then, like this Sunday, we regret it.

We’ll do better in the future. We’re still figuring out our new normal. But, at least, this incredibly sad anniversary, ended up being a very good weekend.

Brielle’s Diagnosis: It’s Been One Year

~ lovingbrielle ~ 1 Comment

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You know, I expected to be sad. The tears, the inconsolable, can’t breathe, body shaking sobs, kind of sad. But I’m not. Oh, I’m sad. I’m hurting. But it’s different. I sat alone in my living room, drinking my nightly tea, and thought about where I was a year ago. I thought about Brielle’s cute boutonniere and the kind woman who made it special just for her. I remembered feeling her dance to her first favorite song. I remembered the love David showered on her. How he teared up when she gave him his first Father’s Day card, all the love he had for her, completely overwhelming him. And I caught myself smiling.

My heart felt full. Blessed. And I found myself, once again, surprised at the feelings I’m having. I thought I’d cling to these memories, that I’d painfully struggle to keep every single one as clear as the moment it happened. I thought it would hurt to remember. That her absence would overwhelm me. But in this way, it doesn’t.

My memories aren’t just memories. They aren’t just moments, flashes, of a short little life. They are a life. They are a spectacular life. A loving, silly, wiggly, introverted, little life. And I love that little life, with all of my heart and soul. These memories we made with Brielle, the special things we did with her, they’re more than I can describe. They’re comforting. Almost as if they themselves fill the Brielle shaped hole in my heart.

And I think, sitting here today, I have a better understanding of why she isn’t here. I guess I always thought the best outcome would be a long life of her own. But maybe I missed something entirely. Brielle wasn’t just a baby, she was a blessing. A perfect little gift that brought us pure unconditional love for nine glorious months. The happiness and love we shared with her is more true and real than any other love I have ever heard of or experienced.

And maybe, maybe that’s why I’m not inconsolable. I wasn’t given a tragedy, I wasn’t given a defect, I was given a perfect little gift. The gift of pure, true love, and there’s no reason to mourn that. No reason to live a solemn life, Brielle wouldn’t want it.

I’m sad. I miss her. And I struggle to keep it together when I let myself think of her sweet little hands and her silly little wiggles. But I’m sad for me. Sad that I can’t touch her. That I can’t mother her. But that wasn’t her purpose. Her purpose was to love and be loved. To show me and the world what true love really is. Her life brought together people from all walks of life, beliefs, and cultures around the world and we all loved her and she loved us in turn. That is beautiful. And it’s a testament to the power of love and the need for love in our lives.

So I’m sad, but most of all, I am thankful. I am unbelievably thankful that my baby, my sweet Brielle Marie, was loved, gave love, and taught us all what is really important in life. And that makes me smile.

I Did The Right Thing

~ lovingbrielle ~ 2 Comments

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I hung up the phone and felt relieved. I didn’t realize it at first, but as I kept driving I noticed my shoulders were looser. I felt good. At peace. And I knew I did the right thing. I asked God to take over the situation, I had done what I could, it was His turn now. I followed that with, “Show me where you want me to go and I will go.”

This was the second and final call that I had with my parents (technically my Father). I won’t go into details, but Christmas, specifically, the day after Christmas put David and I in a very…difficult situation. And we were faced with the very difficult decision of continuing a relationship with my parents.

I have had a very, ah, strained relationship with my parents, for quite a long time. And I can’t be held accountable for every problem in this relationship. I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect, but I can’t fix a one sided relationship. It became clear that we needed to discuss our future children’s physical and emotional safety, and having my parents around, violated my family’s well being.

We called my parents and I spent an hour trying to make amends, only asking for an apology. They refused. Denying any and all wrong doing, for my entire life. Which is, kind of, absurd. In case you all were wondering, nobody is perfect. And I have never expected my parents to be perfect. We are all flawed, and I understand my parent’s flaws, probably, better than anyone else. And all I asked for was an apology. Specifically, an apology and family therapy.

David and I felt that was a reasonable request. I had already apologized, I felt it would be correct to return the favor. And, clearly, there are issues, we need a mediator. They refused. And I went six months without hearing a word. Oh, I heard they were saying things about me that are untrue, but I hadn’t heard from them directly.

And then he called. I knew why he was calling, so I answered. I also thought I’d give him another chance to fix the relationship. I thought that was fair and that they deserved that. And so, I reinstated my offer, an apology and family therapy. It didn’t go well. But I stood firm, and told my Father that if they wanted to have a relationship with me they could, but only under those terms. Once again, he declined. I told him that the door was always open, but that I would no longer be answering his calls. We hung up. And I was at peace.

For the past six months I’ve been hard on myself, questioning my decision. Did I do it right? Was it fair? Did they really understand my offer of reconciliation? I felt guilty. Ashamed. Abandoned. Rejected. Alone. I want a relationship with my parents. But I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. My husband deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. And while that may happen in front of friends and family, behind closed doors is a very, very different world. I deserve to be loved and this response is not loving.

I gave them another chance. I made my offer painfully clear. I stood up for myself. And they chose to walk. And so I am at peace. What I asked for is fair. It’s reasonable. And I’m not asking anything from them, that I have not already done, or offered to do.

And so I’m moving on with my life. For those that have been lied to, I’m setting the record straight. I’m not going to bad mouth my parents, but I’m also going to be honest about my decision. I am, and have gone, no contact with my parents. This was a very hard and a very painful decision for me. I would ask that my decision be respected and understood as final. However, my offer will always stand. They will always have a door back into my life, they just have to take it.

Encouragement In The Little Things

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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Found this written on a scrap piece of paper in Bernice’s things:

“Mercy withholds what we deserve. Grace gives us what we don’t deserve.”

I needed this little pick me up. Funny how God can use the little things to encourage us. I’m sure Bernice never could have imagined a quick note she wrote years ago, would be encouraging to me during one of the hardest seasons of my life.

Life may be pouring hard on David and I, but we can trust that God is continuously merciful. And He is incredibly gracious. And sometimes that’s all I can cling to, God is good.