Brielle’s Life

Part One: The Day Brielle Was Born

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Let’s call this Part One. There is so much to say about the day Brielle was born. So I’ll be posting quite a few posts about the day. And they’ll probably be really long, but then again when aren’t my posts long? At least I warned you all. It’s hard to write about that day, not just because it is painful, but also because so much happened. So many good things happened, and yes, bad things happened too. Really just one bad thing, she didn’t survive. It was such a crucial day in my life. One of those days that will change you for the rest of your life and I feel will continually change me for the rest of my life.

I’m not sure how to write about the part when she was born either. It really deserves a post or two all on it’s own. And I will post more about it. It’s hard to just summarize that hour and a half, so much happened. And, as David and I often say, it was the best and worst moment of our lives.

A few days before Brielle was born I began to get a sinking awful feeling. Everyone was so hopeful around me, I was hopeful too. Everyone believed the best would happen. It was encouraging. And to be honest, it was and is a much better attitude to have. What do you gain by being negative in a situation like this? It certainly wouldn’t have done Brielle any good. And it wouldn’t have done David or I any good either. But the feeling was there. I kept it to myself, I didn’t want to be the debbie downer of the group, and I didn’t want to crush David either. But somehow I just knew that things were not going to be okay for Brielle – at all. I tried to push it away, but it was always there, like a sick knot in the pit of your stomach. And I’m thankful for that awful knot. It prepared me and put me in a mindset that helped me accept what happened that day. And I fully believe it was God’s way of helping me be the best I could be for Brielle.

We were told to be at the hospital at nine Thursday morning. David and I got up at six. He took pictures of me with my belly before I got ready. We wanted to remember what 54 weeks pregnant looked like, what it looked like to carry Brielle. David was anxious and nervous. Worry was etched into his face and my own as well. He wore his “Proud New Daddy” shirt that I had bought him for the day. And we are proud, very proud of our sweet Brielle. We wouldn’t have her any other way.

My family looked anxious, happy, and worried all at the same time. David and I took pictures in front of her chalkboard that said “Happy 40th and 6 days Brielle!” Traffic was ridiculous that morning. During the drive I read David scriptures and reread my prayers to God and a lot of encouraging scriptures that helped calm me and prepare me and David for the day. I foolishly thought we’d have more time alone that we could spend spiritually preparing for the day. I’m so silly.

David and I went by ourselves to the hospital. My family and his joined a couple hours later. Lauren (the doula I talked about a couple of posts ago) joined us as we were checking in.

After we were checked in, the charge nurse, Lynda, (who was incredibly kind) brought us back to my room. They did things a bit differently for us and, while I’m not sure, I think that was because of the wonderful Jamie. I’ve mentioned Jamie quite a few times on this page. She works at the hospital and has been a crucial part in helping David and I through this. And I’d remember her name because I’m going to mention her a lot in these posts. Really, she was a key player in making our day go so well. God certainly had a hand in this day and her being there was no accident. She is a blessing to our family. And Jamie, I know you’re going to read this, I’m going to brag on you and thank you and you can’t stop me. wink emoticon You deserve loads and loads of praise.

My Mom had bought me a special gown for the delivery. It had buttons on the shoulders and up the back like a hospital gown. It’s beautiful and I’m so thankful for it. I wanted something that would look happy in Brielle’s pictures and it was. It was soft, comfortable, and lessened that clinical feeling that hospitals can have. I changed into that when we got there, Lauren gave me purple fuzzy socks with the sticky things on the bottom (don’t you love my technical terms). Those were nice, so soft and fuzzy.

And then I started meeting staff. Jamie told me the staff had been handpicked for us. I met every nurse that would be there, the anesthesiologist, and Dr. Armand (the neonatologist, who we had talked to before about Brielle’s care). I also met Jamie’s boss who was a lovely lady, very kind. Jamie had prayed over Brielle, David, and I and when her boss came in, she also prayed over us. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have had that support. I really could go on and on about how wonderful the staff was that day. They were all kind, supportive, loving. A lot of them stayed past their shift to help out and support us too. Dekalb Medical Center is a truly amazing hospital, with amazing staff, and I am incredibly grateful to the people there.

I want to go in detail about each person that morning. So I’ll resume this tomorrow. I want everyone to pay attention to little details that happened during this day. I want you to remember everyone’s names. This is really important, because when the day is done I want you to see how so many things went right. How blessed we were. I want you to see that all of your prayers were answered. We all wanted Brielle to survive and God didn’t give us exactly what we wanted, but He still answered our prayers. I want you all to see how He was there that whole day.

Our Last Day With Brielle

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This post is about my last full day with Brielle. Brielle was born on Thursday, November, 12 the day before, we celebrated Uncle Zach’s birthday and did some fun stuff for Brielle too. Grandma made biscuits and gravy (my favorite breakfast) and we had a nice family morning outside on the deck. And then Mom, Grandma, Brielle, and I went out to grab some things. We went to Whole Foods and I picked out a strawberry lotion for Brielle. I did not know at the time how attached I’d get to that lotion. I also bought Brielle a strawberry cupcake and a fruit tarte. I picked out the fruit tarte that had all of her favorites: pineapple, raspberry, blueberry, and strawberry.

Earlier that morning, Zach had decided he wanted to have his 21st birthday dinner at Atlanta Grill in the Ritz. Zach, Tessa, and Dad had gone downtown to celebrate Zach’s birthday. Dad was supposed to find a cafe to hang out at while Tessa and Zach had a date, but they were all closed, so Dad kind of tagged along on Zach’s birthday date. At least they had a photographer for the day. Anyways, we all met them at the restaurant.

It was a pretty drive, Waze took us through Geogia Tech’s campus to get there and we drove around Olympic Park. The Christmas lights were up, the leaves on the trees were beautiful shades of reds, oranges, and yellows. The sun was setting, it was a really beautiful night. I’m glad Brielle had such a beautiful last night.

I’m going to include my writing from my diary for the rest of the day. I think it does a better job of capturing how I felt that evening.

“Once we were home we didn’t have much time before we had to leave for the Atlanta Grill. I had a snack before we left. Brielle was very appreciative, she was starving. Brielle and I were ravenous by the time we got to the restaurant. We had some pretzel bread when we got to the table. Dad, Tessa, and Zach met us there. I looked at the menu and ordered Brielle a filet with red wine sauce and whipped potatoes. When the food came Brielle jumped with excitement over her steak and potatoes. That is always a meal she loves! She danced and had fun. By the time dessert came, we were stuffed and I chose to not have any and instead have some of the cake at home.

Once we were all home we pulled out Zach’s cake and lit the candles and Tessa put in a pink candle in Brielle’s strawberry cupcake and lit it. Zach and I stood by the cakes and everyone sang us happy birthday. I sang to Brielle and Zach too and rubbed on her while we sang. I think she had fun! We then toasted with champagne and I toasted with her cupcake. Mommy is not giving Brielle alcohol. Brielle enjoyed her cupcake! We all laughed and had fun and it was really just wonderful. It was wonderful to give Brielle a celebration, it may be her only one and everyone was just happy. Hopeful. It was a very fun night.

Then we watched Finding Nemo. Brielle really liked that movie! She did lots of big wiggles and we laughed a lot. I love how she loves movies with a lot of water, she is a fish herself! Everyone had fun with that movie. After the movie we decided to read Brielle her stories. Mom read her “It Will Be Okay” and Brielle enjoyed it. That was such a good memory to make with Brielle. David videod a lot of it. After she finished the book Mom kissed little Brielle and I started crying. I just want Brielle to live. Tessa then read “Giraffes Can’t Dance.” Tessa talked and played with Brielle as she read it. I think Brielle had a lot of fun! She responded a lot and Dad finally got to feel her move. David said that he had a very big smile when she did it. Brielle’s Papa loves her. My Mom also read Brielle “Silver Slippers” and Brielle enjoyed that too! Brielle had such a fun night. By the time we had finished reading and playing I was exhausted. I ate Brielle’s fruit tarte at 11:20 PM (40 minutes before the cut off time for eating before surgery). I think Brielle liked it, it had all of her favorites!

I took a shower and David shaved my legs. I played Brielle her music while I showered too. I wanted Brielle to have fun. David and I prayed very hard over her, we are both so scared. And we prayed and prayed. David read her “On the Night You Were Born” which she liked. It feels good to just feel her happy. I don’t know how to explain it, there’s is just a vibe (for a lack of a better word) I get from her, and it feels happy and content. I’m glad that I can feel that and make her feel that way. Of course there was crying, worry, and fear. But we’ll just have to trust God.”

Brielle’s Visit to World of Coke

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The week before Brielle was born was not planned. As many of you know, we had originally thought Brielle would be born on Monday, November 9. My family had come in that weekend and my Grandma came not long after that. It took a while to get in touch with Dr. B, and by the time we did, he had scheduled it for Thursday afternoon. At first we were all a little frustrated with this, but we all soon came to realize what a gift this was. We had the opportunity to spend a four days together as a family, with Brielle, doing fun things together.

We took her to church, watched movies, had tasty meals. It was a lot of fun and Brielle had a lot of fun. It took her a bit to get comfortable with everyone again and she preferred the moments when it was just her with David and I, but after she became accustomed to their voices she began to wiggle happily again.

My family decided Monday night that they were going to visit the World of Coke museum. I really had no desire to do this. It seems incredibly strange to me to go to a museum about food, especially food that is in no way healthy for you. Until Tuesday morning, David and I had decided not to go, and then I thought, “No, this could be a fun outing with everyone and Brielle might like it.” Turns out, it was fun, and Brielle had fun too!

Zach (my brother-in-law) shares a birthday with Brielle, so we made sure to do things special for him while he was here, it was his 21st birthday. We went to this place called Max’s for lunch and it had a Yoda drawing inside, so we posed with it, and Brielle and I took one with Uncle Zach too!

We then did our tour, Mom and Dad made sure to get me a wheelchair and I think Dad had a little more fun with that than he should have. It can be a very scary thing when Dad gets behind a wheelchair, but we survived wink emoticon In all seriousness, David and Dad took turns wheeling me because I was kind of heavy.

The tour was fun. Brielle, David, and I took pictures with the Coke polar bear. And that was a lot of fun, the guys doing the photography asked how many babies I was carrying. I was asked that question quite a few times. I think Brielle had fun with the bear, we sure did.

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I love this picture.

We also did this 4D theater thing. That was seriously traumatic for everyone else. I was advised to sit in the nonmoving seats, so I did. I was so thankful. I think Brielle would have died if I had been sitting in those chairs. Dad sat in the row in front of me because he wanted the whole experience, a few minutes in he had moved to sit next to me. Those things were rough, but Brielle had fun with the other parts. There would be puffs of air that would come out and she would jump and wiggle each time they shot out.

We tried all of the Coke flavors. That was disgusting. Brielle and I did not like it. She didn’t even like the pineapple drink. Or the African drink that tasted like cough syrup, big surprise there.

We went through the gift shop and I bought Brielle a World of Coke onesie. Dad picked her out a Christmas ornament too. It made me so happy to get things for Brielle. I told Dad that as well. I loved planning a future with her, it was a great thing to hope.

We finished off the day with Finding Nemo, Brielle did so many big kicks. My stomach was jumping around during most of the movie. She loved the movie and I think that’s hilarious. She loves movies that are in water. The Little Mermaid, Atlantis, Finding Nemo, etc. I mean she was a mermaid for Halloween and she did have an ocean to swim in, there was enough water in my tummy for her to be an olympic swimmer.

Brielle had a good day. I’m glad we had these extra few days to give her more good days. I wish she could have more.

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Funeral Home Visit

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I’ll be posting the obituary and service information soon. But I did want to update everyone on our visit with the funeral home today. We met with the director and he was incredibly kind. He showed us around and we talked about what we could do. He recommended their parlor for the service and viewing. It’s beautiful and intimate, which I think will be perfect for Brielle. We talked about all of the details and he again, was kind and generous. I am very impressed. David, asked for me, because I could hardly get out a sentence with all of my crying, if we could see Brielle again. We hadn’t been notified when the body was moved from the hospital and it had really bothered me because I didn’t know where she was. He hesitated, but agreed and brought her to us. They had wrapped her in a beautiful pink silk and mink blanket. She hadn’t been embalmed yet and looked beautiful still. Her eyes looked better than they had since she was born and her skin looked perfect. It made David and I feel so much better knowing that she was okay and that they were taking such good care of her. We both are more than thankful for the kindness they are showing us and for the tender care they have given our sweet Brielle. I feel at ease knowing she is being taken care of so well. Even though she is gone we still worry about her and worry about her being by herself in a cold place without a friendly face, but they are very kind and are treating her very well. David and I can rest easier tonight knowing she is taken care of.

Psalm 82:3

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Two years ago this was my devotional for the day. In my status I added that this was what I wanted to do with my life and I wanted my friends and family to hold me accountable. Little did I know that two years later I would have just given birth to the most beautiful little girl ever. Even though no one wants a baby like Brielle, David and I wanted her. We want her more than anything. I know that David and I made a difference in Brielle’s life and she showed us how much she knew and appreciated it after she was born. I am so grateful for the time we’ve had with her. And for welcoming all of you into our lives. You have loved and prayed over our little girl. You all have blessed her more than you will ever know. Thank you for joining us through this and loving Brielle.