Uncategorized

Heartache in the Little Things

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

1310_972977246097069_7066148297088605660_n

We met my cousin and his girlfriend for breakfast a few weekends ago. They had come to Atlanta for a concert. My cousin has a little boy who really is the cutest thing, he’s a very happy and smart boy. I asked my cousin what his son wanted for Christmas and he told me the things he was obsessed with at the moment.

I was surprised how much it hurt hearing about the things he liked. It didn’t have anything to do with my cousin and his family. And I wouldn’t want him or anyone to stop talking to me about their children and their lives. But it hurts because I immediately began to wonder what Brielle would be interested in at that age. Two of my cousins as young children have loved dogs and dinosaurs and I found myself hurting because I wanted to know if Brielle would have been the same. I later asked David if he thought Brielle would have liked dogs, he grabbed my hand and said, “Probably, she loved her big sissies.” Brielle would wiggle around when she would hear me call Emmy and Rosie (our dog children). She’d love it when I’d play games with them and she loved feeling them rest their heads (or half their body) on my belly.

I have thoughts like this all the time. I’m sure it’s normal. Watching someone with a stroller and thinking, “I should have a stroller.” Folding Brielle’s newborn clothes and thinking, “I wonder if she’d still fit in these now.”

I came back upstairs from the basement the other night, I had been working on David’s media room and had been down there for hours. I found myself wondering what I would have done with Brielle during that time. It’s like I have a double life or a split identity. I really can’t explain it well. I find myself living the life I am in now, but always wondering what I would be doing in that moment if Brielle were still alive and healthy. Every moment of every day she is on my mind.

When I get in the car I check my mirrors and immediately think, “I should adjust my mirrors so I can see Brielle.” And then I immediately correct myself. She’s not here to check on. I go on. Everything goes on. But I never stop thinking of her. Wondering. Wishing. It hurts. It hurts in that “I’ve accepted this” way. I’m not losing my mind. I’ve accepted she’s gone and it hurts. It just hurts, all the time.

This Christmas

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

25802327051_6e9b088eb9_b

I’ve always loved Christmas. My parents did a wonderful job of keeping it magical. We had a bit of an unconventional Christmas every year. My parents saw little use in using Christmas as a religious holiday since Jesus was born in the spring. Instead, Christmas for our family was a family holiday. They weren’t strict about it, we just never focused on that part of Christmas.

Growing up we’d drive twelve hours from Ft. Worth, Texas to St. Louis, Missouri where my Mother’s parents live. We’d get up the next morning and drive four hours to Chicago where my Father’s family lives.

We would spend a few days there with his family and celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve. My Dad has three siblings and our Christmas’s were loud, filled with laughter, and great food. My sister and I would play with our cousins, we’d see Santa, and everyone would buy presents for each other at the last minute. Santa (Papa) would come visit us and my uncle would rile us up as we waited for Santa to leave. We’d all take turns opening presents and while we did receive a lot of gifts, it was never about that. We were there to be with our family.

Christmas morning Santa would fill our stockings. My parents would wake Tessa and I up very early, we’d see what Santa brought us (my Mother still does this) and then we’d get back in the car and drive four hours back to St. Louis.

Grandma Brady would be cooking like a mad woman. She’d have fresh pies made and the Christmas dessert table filled with goodies (she’d keep the table filled and open for days). We’d have a late lunch with my grandparents, uncle, and sometimes with my aunt and her children (“the boys” as we refer to them).

Later that night we’d open presents and have a fun night joking with family. The Brady family is incredibly witty. Some years we’d have a white Christmas and would go sledding in the backyard. We would cram as much family time as we could in a few days and then head home. Where Santa had found my sister and I. The holidays were filled with joy and love. And I’d look forward to it every year. And this year I want nothing to do with it.

I thought I’d be better. I thought I could do it for Brielle, incorporate her still into our loving family celebrations. Instead, I change the radio when Christmas music comes on. I spent the morning sobbing when church had their Christmas concert. And I felt guilty because I kept David from attending. I have no desire to decorate for Christmas. I don’t have the joy I once had for it.

I don’t spend my days curled up in a ball sobbing, I only cry on occasion. I still laugh and smile. I go about life like normal. I don’t look or act differently. But inside all of my joy is gone. For the rest of my life I’ll wonder who she would be at Christmas. Would she like Santa? What would she think of snow? Would she be a brat about presents or would I have taught her how to behave well? What kind of letters would she write to Santa? And what would she request every year for Christmas? What would her interests and hobbies be? I’ll never know.

We’ll have other children, but they won’t replace her. They will never replace that joy. They’ll bring a new joy, but it’s not the same. And anyone who says otherwise has never lost a child. How can I ever enjoy Christmas again without my family? Brielle will never have a Christmas, she’ll never join us. I should have given her a Christmas before she was born. I’ll regret that for the rest of my life. She might have liked Christmas music. I didn’t read her “Madeline” or “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” (she probably wouldn’t have liked that one anyways, it was written by Dr. Seuss). I want to know what she thought of those things.

I’ll be happy for the family that I still have. I’ll put up the tree. I’ll bake goodies and keep traditions alive. But my heart won’t ever be the same.

Happy Birthday, David.

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

I wish I had the words to explain how wonderful David is and how grateful I am that he’s in my life. Today is his birthday and it is a very bittersweet day. I know he misses Brielle just as much as I do. And that is one of the many reasons I love him so much. He loves his little girl more than anything and is an amazing father. Brielle is a very lucky girl, and if I could, I’d bring her back to you for your birthday. Brielle and I love you David. Happy birthday!

25800574291_ac9594be79_b

Our Last Day With Brielle

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

This post is about my last full day with Brielle. Brielle was born on Thursday, November, 12 the day before, we celebrated Uncle Zach’s birthday and did some fun stuff for Brielle too. Grandma made biscuits and gravy (my favorite breakfast) and we had a nice family morning outside on the deck. And then Mom, Grandma, Brielle, and I went out to grab some things. We went to Whole Foods and I picked out a strawberry lotion for Brielle. I did not know at the time how attached I’d get to that lotion. I also bought Brielle a strawberry cupcake and a fruit tarte. I picked out the fruit tarte that had all of her favorites: pineapple, raspberry, blueberry, and strawberry.

Earlier that morning, Zach had decided he wanted to have his 21st birthday dinner at Atlanta Grill in the Ritz. Zach, Tessa, and Dad had gone downtown to celebrate Zach’s birthday. Dad was supposed to find a cafe to hang out at while Tessa and Zach had a date, but they were all closed, so Dad kind of tagged along on Zach’s birthday date. At least they had a photographer for the day. Anyways, we all met them at the restaurant.

It was a pretty drive, Waze took us through Geogia Tech’s campus to get there and we drove around Olympic Park. The Christmas lights were up, the leaves on the trees were beautiful shades of reds, oranges, and yellows. The sun was setting, it was a really beautiful night. I’m glad Brielle had such a beautiful last night.

I’m going to include my writing from my diary for the rest of the day. I think it does a better job of capturing how I felt that evening.

“Once we were home we didn’t have much time before we had to leave for the Atlanta Grill. I had a snack before we left. Brielle was very appreciative, she was starving. Brielle and I were ravenous by the time we got to the restaurant. We had some pretzel bread when we got to the table. Dad, Tessa, and Zach met us there. I looked at the menu and ordered Brielle a filet with red wine sauce and whipped potatoes. When the food came Brielle jumped with excitement over her steak and potatoes. That is always a meal she loves! She danced and had fun. By the time dessert came, we were stuffed and I chose to not have any and instead have some of the cake at home.

Once we were all home we pulled out Zach’s cake and lit the candles and Tessa put in a pink candle in Brielle’s strawberry cupcake and lit it. Zach and I stood by the cakes and everyone sang us happy birthday. I sang to Brielle and Zach too and rubbed on her while we sang. I think she had fun! We then toasted with champagne and I toasted with her cupcake. Mommy is not giving Brielle alcohol. Brielle enjoyed her cupcake! We all laughed and had fun and it was really just wonderful. It was wonderful to give Brielle a celebration, it may be her only one and everyone was just happy. Hopeful. It was a very fun night.

Then we watched Finding Nemo. Brielle really liked that movie! She did lots of big wiggles and we laughed a lot. I love how she loves movies with a lot of water, she is a fish herself! Everyone had fun with that movie. After the movie we decided to read Brielle her stories. Mom read her “It Will Be Okay” and Brielle enjoyed it. That was such a good memory to make with Brielle. David videod a lot of it. After she finished the book Mom kissed little Brielle and I started crying. I just want Brielle to live. Tessa then read “Giraffes Can’t Dance.” Tessa talked and played with Brielle as she read it. I think Brielle had a lot of fun! She responded a lot and Dad finally got to feel her move. David said that he had a very big smile when she did it. Brielle’s Papa loves her. My Mom also read Brielle “Silver Slippers” and Brielle enjoyed that too! Brielle had such a fun night. By the time we had finished reading and playing I was exhausted. I ate Brielle’s fruit tarte at 11:20 PM (40 minutes before the cut off time for eating before surgery). I think Brielle liked it, it had all of her favorites!

I took a shower and David shaved my legs. I played Brielle her music while I showered too. I wanted Brielle to have fun. David and I prayed very hard over her, we are both so scared. And we prayed and prayed. David read her “On the Night You Were Born” which she liked. It feels good to just feel her happy. I don’t know how to explain it, there’s is just a vibe (for a lack of a better word) I get from her, and it feels happy and content. I’m glad that I can feel that and make her feel that way. Of course there was crying, worry, and fear. But we’ll just have to trust God.”

Giving Tuesday

~ lovingbrielle ~ 1 Comment

25723180612_008d66d64c_b

I think today, Giving Tuesday, is an appropriate day to talk about the wonderful doula we used for Brielle’s birth. A Doula is a professional trained in childbirth who supports a woman and her husband during, pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period. The word “Doula” comes from the Greek term meaning “servant to mother”. Lauren Bishop, is a woman who is very dear to David and I. I joined an anencephaly support group after Brielle was diagnosed with anencephaly. Lauren, also a member, reached out to me and offered her bereavement services, for free, to be a support to David and I as we went through this journey with Brielle.

Lauren’s son Ethan died on June 19, 2013 from anencephaly. Two years later, Brielle would get her diagnosis of anencephaly as well, on the same day. Sweet Ethan inspired his mother to become a doula to not only help mother’s with healthy pregnancies, but also to help mother’s facing pregnancy and infant loss, to be a support and source of strength to lean on during such a horrible time. Lauren honors Ethan’s life with this service. And she is a wonderful, amazing woman who does a phenomenal job serving other mothers. I cannot even begin to describe what a remarkable woman she is.

Donations to Ethan’s Hope go towards helping other mother’s who face infant loss. Lauren provides not only her time (late hours during the entire pregnancy, the entire delivery time, and after), she also provides memory making materials and services, photography of the entire event, gifts for the baby and the parents, her support, and advocacy. During our c-section, Lauren stood next to David and I during the surgery and helped me through that time, that was a very difficult time and I am so grateful for her support. I could not even think of the funeral during the whole pregnancy or really after Brielle was born either. Lauren contacted multiple funeral homes in Atlanta, talked to them all about options, and gave us her honest opinion of which she thought was the best. She recommended Mayes Ward-Dobbins Funeral Home, after Brielle was born, which was a beautiful wonderful place, filled with wonderful good honest people. Lauren also set up a photographer for us from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, an organization that has photographers donate their services for infant loss. We just received the pictures from that a few days ago and they turned out beautifully.

Lauren did more for us than I’ll ever be able to explain. She does amazing work with Ethan’s Hope. I wish I had had the opportunity to meet Ethan, but I do know he must have been an amazing little boy to have inspired such selfless work from his sweet mommy. And I am forever grateful to him and his mommy. And thankful that Brielle has a sweet friend to play with in Heaven.

http://www.ethanshope.net/about.html