Uncategorized

What We’ve Been Up To

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

5a1cdb935a61d82e863d2c27c44fa4a6

Normal life is starting to come around for David and I again. This past year has been…crazy. But this past month we’ve had our first sense of normalcy in a very long time. David and I have been sleeping in, binge watching Deep Space Nine, and playing video games together, because that’s just the kind of nerdy couple David and I are. We’re still working on getting David’s mom settled and the house is still a wreck…from last Christmas, but we’re making progress, and I’m finally getting to rest and begin the grieving process.

My garden, that I began work on this past winter, is doing well. I’ve not been caring for it like I should, but it is still producing well. Giant zucchini, heirloom tomatoes, and herbs coming out the wazoo; our summer meals have been fantastic. It’s amazing how different home grown food tastes. Overall, it’s been an enjoyable evening chore for David and I (and the doggies). We talk about our day, prune and water the plants, and then play a “water game” with Rosie and Emmy, they have the greatest time getting sprayed in the face and attacking the water. Funny thing? They hate water, unless it’s a game.

I’m behind on blogging and keeping up with real life. I needed/need some me time and some down time. But we did have a great time on the Disney Cruise and I’ll be posting about that (we’ve already booked another!). We had a six month celebration for Brielle on the cruise and I’ll post about that later.

I also still need to post about Brielle’s funeral (that’s just been a hard post to get to). As well as my medical update and just everyday stuff. I’ve been a little MIA.

I am struggling with some new stuff and I feel like it is something I will talk about in the future, but I’m not ready to yet. David and his mom always say to me, “You’ve had a hard life.” And I guess I’ve been trying to survive for so long that I didn’t realize how much I’ve been suffering.

One of the reasons I think it’s important to talk about our hard times and our good times is because we all suffer, we all hurt, and we all go through highs and lows in our lives. And I have to wonder if God could turn my suffering into something better for others. When I was alone, when I didn’t know how to go on, I needed help, I needed hope, but no one ever saw me. I may not be able to see you or others, but maybe I can give you hope. Maybe my life, my heartache, and my suffering can show you that you can survive and you can go on.

I guess, that’s all that I really have left. My heart and my home is with Brielle and the spark that I once felt for life just isn’t here anymore. I think your focus shifts after you lose a child, and mine certainly has. So what is left? I guess I’m still figuring that one out, but all I’ve ever wanted was to love and be loved. And maybe that’s enough. Maybe it’s enough to just be kind to others and move forward one day at a time.

I’m Tired Of Complacency: Black Lives DO Matter

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

I’m scrolling through instagram, trying to put off the getting ready for bed ritual, and after every black lives matter post, I’m seeing perfect hair, perfect Bibles, perfect homes, perfect smiles, perfect times with friends. 

This sick, materialistic, fake, world we all live in is screaming in my face. And I’m ashamed of myself, because my first thought was, “Just stay out of it. Don’t draw attention to yourself. Don’t pick a fight. Let it go. Let it be someone else’s problem. Just enjoy pretty peonies and forget about it.” 

I make myself sick. 

What kind of world have we created? And let’s not fool ourselves, we are all responsible for this mess we’re in. How can we stand by and let entire groups of people suffer because of the color of their skin? More importantly, why is this even an issue anymore?? 

And when did it become okay to let those in power target innocent people and gun them down? 

We like our stuff. We like to keep up with the Joneses. We hate confrontation. Better to be politically correct than disagree. 

We can’t bury our heads in the sand anymore. Our country, our world is tearing itself apart, and we are all responsible for this. 

We need to put on our big girl panties, toughen up our skin, and stand against injustice. Stand against prejudice. Stand against hate speech. Stand against political polarization. 

And we need to start standing for love. For unity. For justice. Compassion for our neighbors and ourselves. For selflessness and taking responsibility for our actions. We need to stand for freedom. 

At the very least, stand up for something. I’m tired of living in a world full of people so absorbed with themselves and their phones that they can’t acknowledge the horror happening right in front of them. We’re all guilty of this, including me. And it’s time we got over ourselves. 

We’ve let evil thrive. We’ve become complacent. And we need to clean up our mess. Let’s remember not all blacks are thugs, not all whites are good, and not all cops are racist. But we do live in a racist country. And law enforcement does have a problem. It’s time to take responsibility.

You better believe black lives matter, now what can we do to make a change?

Prayers & Support For My Uncle David

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

My Uncle David (my Dad’s youngest brother) has recently been diagnosed with a very aggressive form of lung cancer. This has been a huge surprise to family and friends and a shock for all of us.

1540357_10202187825482724_1366285297_o
Uncle David with his daughters.

That being said, he needs all of the prayer, support, encouragement, and help he can get. We all seem to know someone dear to us who has fought cancer, so I’m sure you can all imagine how difficult this is for Uncle David.

10885115_874829029228346_5148697703067020712_n
A very grainy picture of Uncle David and the cousins (as well as a few significant others).

We all want to give him the best treatment he can get and as much support as we can. If you are able, could you please donate to his medical GoFundMe fund. And I would also ask for prayers:

For Uncle David as he battles against this disease

For strength and will power to battle cancer head on

For healing and miraculous remission from cancer

For peace and hope for Uncle David

For my Grandmother

For my cousins, his daughters

For Uncle David’s friends and family, that we can all be a source of love and encouragement for him, and that he’ll be surrounded by more love than heartache

 

I’m Not Sure What I’m Doing, But Here I Am

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment
31e84b235989cb53c1e21c5138c7227e
credit

I’ve never really had it figured out. The life plan, the career path, it all seemed…wrong in some way. I have my interests and my passions: interior design, painting, writing, philosophy, reading, mothering, loving my best friend, faith.

All of these things bring me fulfillment. But, together, these things don’t make a career and to abandon one in pursuit of materialism, well, it violated my inner values. Thankfully, I have a husband who understands that I’m a circle trying to fit into a square world.

And when I was pregnant with Brielle, I thought, “Finally, I’m where I’m supposed to be. Living how I should be living.” And that piece of me that is always searching, found rest.

But she’s gone now. And I’m lost. I’m searching. Unsure of what’s next. Afraid I’ll fail. Afraid life will never go back to normal. It’s not as simple as just having another baby, because there will never be another Brielle.

I over think. I over analyze. And I’m, slowly, learning to say, “Whatever. God, just do what you want. I’m tired of this.”

He’s very patient with me. And, sure enough, when I let go, things start moving forward.

I guess, what I’m trying to say, is that I’m not sure where I’m going. I’m not sure where this blog is going. I’m not sure of it’s purpose, I’m not sure I’m doing it right.

And in a lot of ways, it doesn’t make sense. I’m not a person that likes attention. I’m a hermit. But here I am, pouring my heart out for the world to see. Exposing myself, warts and all. And I couldn’t tell you why.

I don’t understand it. I just know that I feel compelled to write. I feel an urgency to share and I write as I am prompted to do so. I don’t have answers. I don’t know what this means. I’m just relying on faith and following God as He directs me.

So, if you could, please be patient with me. I’m not perfect, I’m a mess. But this blog, it’s something I need to do. It scares me, it hurts me, and it puts me in a position that I don’t necessarily like.

But, it feels right.

I’ve found love, encouragement, support, and authenticity through this blog. I’ve grown spiritually and emotionally. And I accomplished my original goal, love for Brielle.

This place I’ve created is precious and beautiful to me. And I’m thankful for everyone who cares, who has loved and encouraged me and my family. And, I guess, I’ll just keep on writing until God says it’s time to stop.

Following directions is going to take some getting used to.

I Am Free!

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

1fbf01b1d0ca7c12208214705a8c0b92

I feel like a whole new person. Like I’m me again. I’ve let what’s happened in my life totally derail me. I let doubt get in my head and destroy my confidence, my belief in myself. And I did that. I let that happen.

I needed to stand up for myself, I needed to be clear that life has thrown me a curve ball, but I’m going to move forward. I needed to have the confidence to say, “Nobody is perfect. I’m not perfect. And I’ve been down.”

I needed to know that I have the freedom to speak. The freedom to make mistakes. The freedom to hurt and not cover it up with a smile. I needed the freedom to grieve, but find true happiness in my grief.

And I am really happy. I’m free. I’ve spent my whole life trying to get away, to live without fear, and I did it.

And I feel…right. Like I’m back on the path I’m supposed to be on. Life threw me into a viscous cycle of doubt and heartache. I always want to know that I’ve given everything my all. I don’t want to live with regret. But my fear and doubt was eating me alive. Leaving me to question myself.

But I don’t doubt myself anymore. I still struggle with heartache, but I can be confident in God. And I’m free. I don’t have to silence myself anymore. I don’t have to hide. To live in fear.

I’m free to be myself. I’m free to be the person I’ve been trying to be. Life feels good again. I’m hopeful again. And I’m comfortable.

The Lord is good. He has heard me and He is guiding me out of my pain and suffering. And this makes me glad. This makes me joyous. Praise the Lord! I am free!

17499fb4646d40e086c4c53b25a52950