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I Am Free!

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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I feel like a whole new person. Like I’m me again. I’ve let what’s happened in my life totally derail me. I let doubt get in my head and destroy my confidence, my belief in myself. And I did that. I let that happen.

I needed to stand up for myself, I needed to be clear that life has thrown me a curve ball, but I’m going to move forward. I needed to have the confidence to say, “Nobody is perfect. I’m not perfect. And I’ve been down.”

I needed to know that I have the freedom to speak. The freedom to make mistakes. The freedom to hurt and not cover it up with a smile. I needed the freedom to grieve, but find true happiness in my grief.

And I am really happy. I’m free. I’ve spent my whole life trying to get away, to live without fear, and I did it.

And I feel…right. Like I’m back on the path I’m supposed to be on. Life threw me into a viscous cycle of doubt and heartache. I always want to know that I’ve given everything my all. I don’t want to live with regret. But my fear and doubt was eating me alive. Leaving me to question myself.

But I don’t doubt myself anymore. I still struggle with heartache, but I can be confident in God. And I’m free. I don’t have to silence myself anymore. I don’t have to hide. To live in fear.

I’m free to be myself. I’m free to be the person I’ve been trying to be. Life feels good again. I’m hopeful again. And I’m comfortable.

The Lord is good. He has heard me and He is guiding me out of my pain and suffering. And this makes me glad. This makes me joyous. Praise the Lord! I am free!

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Do Not Fear!

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment
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I don’t always talk about the Holy Spirit. It’s kind of one of those topics that we all kind of avoid. It’s spiritual, it’s not a science, and experiencing the Spirit isn’t something everyone is open to.

For those that aren’t familiar with the Holy Spirit, it is: 1 John 2:20, 2 Corinthians 1:21-22, Mark 13:11, John 14:17, Acts 1:8, Acts 2:38, Acts 10:44, Acts 13:52, Romans 5:5, Romans 8:5, Romans 8:26, Romans 9:1, Romans 15:13, 1 Corinthians 2:4, 1 Corinthians 6:19, 2 Corinthians 6:6, Galatians 3:2, Galatians 5:22

There have been times in my life when I have clearly felt the Spirit, His will, and His guidance. One example of this was the all consuming faith and peace I felt when Brielle was born.

I felt Him again this past week and weekend. My heart, my spirit felt like it was on fire, and I felt His anger. I felt a power, a force I cannot describe. He has watched me suffer, He has seen my pain, and He knows my innocence and I felt His anger. I have suffered long enough and it’s time to fight.

But I doubted my feelings. I doubted what I felt as real. And then we went church. Dr. Cooper took the stage, and I saw that he too, was on fire. He preached against those who try to intimidate us, who try to derail us from our path in life. He spoke against those who speak with hate against the children of God, and he spoke of how God is with us and He will fight for us. With Him our Goliath will be destroyed. That we must stand firm in Him, confident in God.

And I felt it. I felt the Spirit, the fire, the rage of the Lord. I was too tired, too weak to even stand, but I felt Him. And I knew, it’s time to fight. The Lord is on my side, He is my strength, and He has had enough.

David and I got in the car and he turned to me, with a huge smile on his face, “Can you believe that sermon this morning!? I haven’t seen Dr. Cooper that fired up in a long time. God is fighting for you. He’s fighting for us. Don’t doubt yourself, God gave you this message, He is on our side.”

That night, I felt prompted to write a post, and I flipped to my Bible for a verse, praying God would guide me to the scripture I needed, and I was amazed. I was comforted. God is great and powerful. He is faithful.

My Bible later opened to Exodus, it just, fell open. I turned my attention away for a moment and when I looked back, my Bible had changed pages to Exodus. Which was a bit of a jump. I almost didn’t read it either, but so many things had happened that day, that I thought I should read. I’m glad I did. I read the story of Moses and the plagues of Egypt. And this verse jumped out at me.

Exodus 14:14

“…Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the LORD which He will accomplish for you today;…”

You can see Dr. Cooper’s message here. It will be available until June 26, 2016 give or take a day. And then, I think, it will be available here.

I highly recommend his Valleys series and Get Well Soon series. The Valleys series is about going through life’s hard times. And Get Well Soon is about the importance of a healthy lifestyle and faith.

Brielle’s Diagnosis: It’s Been One Year

~ lovingbrielle ~ 1 Comment

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You know, I expected to be sad. The tears, the inconsolable, can’t breathe, body shaking sobs, kind of sad. But I’m not. Oh, I’m sad. I’m hurting. But it’s different. I sat alone in my living room, drinking my nightly tea, and thought about where I was a year ago. I thought about Brielle’s cute boutonniere and the kind woman who made it special just for her. I remembered feeling her dance to her first favorite song. I remembered the love David showered on her. How he teared up when she gave him his first Father’s Day card, all the love he had for her, completely overwhelming him. And I caught myself smiling.

My heart felt full. Blessed. And I found myself, once again, surprised at the feelings I’m having. I thought I’d cling to these memories, that I’d painfully struggle to keep every single one as clear as the moment it happened. I thought it would hurt to remember. That her absence would overwhelm me. But in this way, it doesn’t.

My memories aren’t just memories. They aren’t just moments, flashes, of a short little life. They are a life. They are a spectacular life. A loving, silly, wiggly, introverted, little life. And I love that little life, with all of my heart and soul. These memories we made with Brielle, the special things we did with her, they’re more than I can describe. They’re comforting. Almost as if they themselves fill the Brielle shaped hole in my heart.

And I think, sitting here today, I have a better understanding of why she isn’t here. I guess I always thought the best outcome would be a long life of her own. But maybe I missed something entirely. Brielle wasn’t just a baby, she was a blessing. A perfect little gift that brought us pure unconditional love for nine glorious months. The happiness and love we shared with her is more true and real than any other love I have ever heard of or experienced.

And maybe, maybe that’s why I’m not inconsolable. I wasn’t given a tragedy, I wasn’t given a defect, I was given a perfect little gift. The gift of pure, true love, and there’s no reason to mourn that. No reason to live a solemn life, Brielle wouldn’t want it.

I’m sad. I miss her. And I struggle to keep it together when I let myself think of her sweet little hands and her silly little wiggles. But I’m sad for me. Sad that I can’t touch her. That I can’t mother her. But that wasn’t her purpose. Her purpose was to love and be loved. To show me and the world what true love really is. Her life brought together people from all walks of life, beliefs, and cultures around the world and we all loved her and she loved us in turn. That is beautiful. And it’s a testament to the power of love and the need for love in our lives.

So I’m sad, but most of all, I am thankful. I am unbelievably thankful that my baby, my sweet Brielle Marie, was loved, gave love, and taught us all what is really important in life. And that makes me smile.

I Did The Right Thing

~ lovingbrielle ~ 2 Comments

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I hung up the phone and felt relieved. I didn’t realize it at first, but as I kept driving I noticed my shoulders were looser. I felt good. At peace. And I knew I did the right thing. I asked God to take over the situation, I had done what I could, it was His turn now. I followed that with, “Show me where you want me to go and I will go.”

This was the second and final call that I had with my parents (technically my Father). I won’t go into details, but Christmas, specifically, the day after Christmas put David and I in a very…difficult situation. And we were faced with the very difficult decision of continuing a relationship with my parents.

I have had a very, ah, strained relationship with my parents, for quite a long time. And I can’t be held accountable for every problem in this relationship. I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect, but I can’t fix a one sided relationship. It became clear that we needed to discuss our future children’s physical and emotional safety, and having my parents around, violated my family’s well being.

We called my parents and I spent an hour trying to make amends, only asking for an apology. They refused. Denying any and all wrong doing, for my entire life. Which is, kind of, absurd. In case you all were wondering, nobody is perfect. And I have never expected my parents to be perfect. We are all flawed, and I understand my parent’s flaws, probably, better than anyone else. And all I asked for was an apology. Specifically, an apology and family therapy.

David and I felt that was a reasonable request. I had already apologized, I felt it would be correct to return the favor. And, clearly, there are issues, we need a mediator. They refused. And I went six months without hearing a word. Oh, I heard they were saying things about me that are untrue, but I hadn’t heard from them directly.

And then he called. I knew why he was calling, so I answered. I also thought I’d give him another chance to fix the relationship. I thought that was fair and that they deserved that. And so, I reinstated my offer, an apology and family therapy. It didn’t go well. But I stood firm, and told my Father that if they wanted to have a relationship with me they could, but only under those terms. Once again, he declined. I told him that the door was always open, but that I would no longer be answering his calls. We hung up. And I was at peace.

For the past six months I’ve been hard on myself, questioning my decision. Did I do it right? Was it fair? Did they really understand my offer of reconciliation? I felt guilty. Ashamed. Abandoned. Rejected. Alone. I want a relationship with my parents. But I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. My husband deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. And while that may happen in front of friends and family, behind closed doors is a very, very different world. I deserve to be loved and this response is not loving.

I gave them another chance. I made my offer painfully clear. I stood up for myself. And they chose to walk. And so I am at peace. What I asked for is fair. It’s reasonable. And I’m not asking anything from them, that I have not already done, or offered to do.

And so I’m moving on with my life. For those that have been lied to, I’m setting the record straight. I’m not going to bad mouth my parents, but I’m also going to be honest about my decision. I am, and have gone, no contact with my parents. This was a very hard and a very painful decision for me. I would ask that my decision be respected and understood as final. However, my offer will always stand. They will always have a door back into my life, they just have to take it.

The Adoption Pull

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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We’ve talked about adoption for years. I talked about it sophomore year of college, determined I could do it with or without David, I just couldn’t ignore the pull. We spent months talking about it before we had Brielle. Should we start with adoption or pregnancy?

I’d run to David with photo listings and say, “Look at this one! He likes video games! And look at this one. What about this family of kids? We could adopt a family.”

I struggled, and still struggle, with the ethics of it all. Is it right (or perhaps best) to bring another life into the world when there are millions of children without parents, without love? David and I have debated this, unsure of the answer.

While pregnant with Brielle, we discussed whether or not we should have any more biological children. I’d always said I wanted at least one biological child. For two, rather selfish, reasons. I wanted to experience pregnancy and I was curious what our children would look like.

While I’ve satisfied my curiosity, I’ve fallen in love with pregnancy. I love making a tiny human, I felt complete and whole. And I cherish the bond I made with Brielle. But is that enough? Is that enough to justify another child without a parent?

We haven’t made a decision. We aren’t sure of anything right now. But it weighs on my mind all the time. I feel called to do this. Like it’s my job to adopt, but I’m afraid. Afraid of the process. Afraid I won’t connect with the child. Unsure of what age to adopt. Special needs or not? Gender? Do we adopt siblings? Can I handle that? And what if I’m terrible at being a mom? What if I resent children for intruding into my space?

But then I tell myself that’s ridiculous. I adopted my fur children. And I don’t love them any less than Brielle. If I can love my dog children as much as my own daughter, shouldn’t I be able to love an adopted child just as much?

Like I said, I struggle. And sometimes I wonder if my indecisiveness is preventing me from adopting a child who needs me and I them. Sometimes, I think, we just need to take the plunge.