Learning to Have Faith

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These two verses have, for a lack of a better word, haunted me.

“”If you can?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9: 23-24).

I have repeatedly asked God, “Please help me, help my unbelief. Please save my daughter.” And I have struggled with this. I know full well that what is bestfor my daughter may not be what I want. I can’t see the whole picture, I only see moments now. I cannot fathom what will happen if she lives or dies, and the consequences associated with each outcome. I also know that if I do not ask, if I do not believe, how can I expect Him to save her?

So I struggle. I think of Abraham and how he knowingly took his only son to be sacrificed, having full faith in the Lord that He would do what was best for Isaac and himself. Abraham’s faith was strong, deep, and admirable. Because of his faith, God provided a ram and Isaac was spared. It was a test of Abraham’s faith and God promised, “…because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me.” (Genesis 22:16-18). And God did bless Abraham. The Jewish nation emerged from Abraham’s descendants and became a great and powerful nation. Jesus came from the Jewish people and went on to bless all nations and all peoples.

I want to have faith like Abraham, granted he also had eighty years on me that he had spent with God. I still want to have faith like that, but I don’t know how. So I beg God to help my unbelief. I want to go up to that altar and trust that God will provide. But I am afraid. I am afraid that the provision will cause me great heartbreak and great pain. If Brielle lives, will her life be one of suffering and pain? Will taking her home to be with Him, be merciful and loving?

Samuel was a strong Godly prophet and was of great use for the Lord. I spend time thinking of Samuel, because of his mother, Hannah. Hannah was barren and she was in deep anguish and grief because she could not have children. So she made a vow to the Lord, “O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life…” (1 Samuel 1:11). She had a son shortly after her vow and she kept her vow. After her son was weaned, she gave her son to the House of the Lord. He went on to be one of the greatest prophets of the Bible and his whole life he remained faithful to the Lord.

So I offer my daughter, I beg Him to make her a Samuel, to use her for His purposes and to let her life glorify Him. I ask this knowing full well that her purpose may resolve shortly after her birth. And I struggle. I don’t have answers and I don’t know what the plan is. I am afraid. I don’t know how to trust and how to fully believe that He will save her. I want to know how. I want to know that peace, I want to have that level of faith. I pray that God is merciful with me, that He understands my heart and that He chooses to save her, despite my unbelief. He amazes me and I want to know and understand that amazement through faith, through belief. I want to fully believe in complete healing for Brielle and trust that it will happen.

Learning to Ask

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I have a couple of scheduled posts for today, but I wanted to quickly share what God has done for us today.

Last night I spent a long time in prayer, asking God to help my doubts and unbelief, even though I feel as if he’s telling me Brielle will be okay. I prayed that he would open the right doors and get us an appointment with a neurosurgeon. I prayed that the neurosurgeon we’d meet with would be open and receptive to our case. I prayed for David and the stress he is under.

This morning I woke up to a message from a friend telling me she felt that Brielle would be okay and to not lose faith or hope and to keep on fighting for her. I had not told her anything about my prayer and had not initiated the conversation. David called the neurosurgeon’s office today and we were placed with a different neurosurgeon than the one originally recommended, but who has more experience with cases similar to Brielle’s. He also graduated from Baylor University. We’ve been trying for weeks to get an appointment, David has called multiple times for the past couple weeks alone and has not been able to get through, and today we were given an appointment for October 9. I’m going to take that as an answered prayer and reassurance that Brielle will still be here by then. David has received good news as well today, and is having a wonderful day. In fact, when he called me earlier, he sounded giddy.

God has heard my prayers and he has answered them. God is good and faithful and He will provide. We have a wonderful and loving God and I am thankful, so thankful.

“…You do not have, because you do not ask God.” James 4:2

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8

Thank You

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Thank you so much to everyone who has sent us cards during this time. It means so much to us and I treasure every one. It warms my heart to know we are loved by so many people. Whenever I receive a note of encouragement, a card, a hug, or any type of love and support for Brielle and us, I always think of this verse in Luke.