These two verses have, for a lack of a better word, haunted me.

“”If you can?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9: 23-24).

I have repeatedly asked God, “Please help me, help my unbelief. Please save my daughter.” And I have struggled with this. I know full well that what is bestfor my daughter may not be what I want. I can’t see the whole picture, I only see moments now. I cannot fathom what will happen if she lives or dies, and the consequences associated with each outcome. I also know that if I do not ask, if I do not believe, how can I expect Him to save her?

So I struggle. I think of Abraham and how he knowingly took his only son to be sacrificed, having full faith in the Lord that He would do what was best for Isaac and himself. Abraham’s faith was strong, deep, and admirable. Because of his faith, God provided a ram and Isaac was spared. It was a test of Abraham’s faith and God promised, “…because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me.” (Genesis 22:16-18). And God did bless Abraham. The Jewish nation emerged from Abraham’s descendants and became a great and powerful nation. Jesus came from the Jewish people and went on to bless all nations and all peoples.

I want to have faith like Abraham, granted he also had eighty years on me that he had spent with God. I still want to have faith like that, but I don’t know how. So I beg God to help my unbelief. I want to go up to that altar and trust that God will provide. But I am afraid. I am afraid that the provision will cause me great heartbreak and great pain. If Brielle lives, will her life be one of suffering and pain? Will taking her home to be with Him, be merciful and loving?

Samuel was a strong Godly prophet and was of great use for the Lord. I spend time thinking of Samuel, because of his mother, Hannah. Hannah was barren and she was in deep anguish and grief because she could not have children. So she made a vow to the Lord, “O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life…” (1 Samuel 1:11). She had a son shortly after her vow and she kept her vow. After her son was weaned, she gave her son to the House of the Lord. He went on to be one of the greatest prophets of the Bible and his whole life he remained faithful to the Lord.

So I offer my daughter, I beg Him to make her a Samuel, to use her for His purposes and to let her life glorify Him. I ask this knowing full well that her purpose may resolve shortly after her birth. And I struggle. I don’t have answers and I don’t know what the plan is. I am afraid. I don’t know how to trust and how to fully believe that He will save her. I want to know how. I want to know that peace, I want to have that level of faith. I pray that God is merciful with me, that He understands my heart and that He chooses to save her, despite my unbelief. He amazes me and I want to know and understand that amazement through faith, through belief. I want to fully believe in complete healing for Brielle and trust that it will happen.