I found this on Pinterest and thought it was fitting to share with you all.
Faith
Lacey
When I was eight we had to put, Rascal, our dog down. I loved Rascal. And I begged my parents for another dog, Mom wasn’t ready for that kind of heartbreak again. So every night I prayed that God would let me have a dog. For three years I prayed this prayer. And one day, Mom came into Dad’s office and said, “I want a dog.” At the time, that moment was the happiest moment of my life. That night we found a golden retriever breeder and went to look at pups to adopt.
There were so many cute little puppies, but there was one in particular that loved my shoe laces and followed me everywhere. I loved her. We chose her and I named her Lacey. Lacey was exactly like me and she became my best friend. She followed me through some of the toughest years of my life. She was there for me when the kids at school bullied me. There for me when I had my first heartbreak. She slept with me at night and kept the nightmares at bay. She was there during my awful teenage years and the incredible lows of that time. The most heartbreaking thing about moving out when I was seventeen was that I had to leave Lacey.
My first spring semester at college my Dad called me around four in the morning. I ignored his call, I thought he had butt dialed me or something. Until he called again. He called to tell me Lacey had died. I lost it. Dad picked me up from my dorm and drove me to the vet so that I could say goodbye. I sobbed over her and tried to ignore the clumps of hair coming off of her and her stiffening body. I couldn’t understand why she had to go then. How could she go now? Why would God do this? Why now?
The following July I found myself ready for another dog. I was moving into my first apartment in a month and wanted a companion. I searched and searched and eventually found a beautiful flat-coated retriever. She had been a rescue and her current owners didn’t want her anymore. Emmy and I became inseparable. We spent quite a bit of time together and she quickly became my first “child.” A year later we moved to Athens, GA to be closer to David. Eight months later, I adopted Rosie, my next dog daughter, from a kill shelter – four hours before her death. I made wonderful friendships. David and I built a relationship together.
David proposed, we were married, we moved into a wonderful home, I became pregnant with Brielle and we had some of the best times of our lives with her. So many wonderful things happened in the past six years. A lot of awful things happened, but good things too. I found myself thinking about Lacey’s death the other day on our way home. Lacey left at just the right time. It broke my heart, but none of these things would have happened if she were still living or had not died when she did.
I would have never moved away from Texas, I wouldn’t have been able to leave Lacey. I would have never adopted Emmy. Rosie would have died. I would have never married David. I would have never had Brielle. I would have never made the friendships I did. Now I see how Lacey’s life was exactly what it needed to be. I had prayed for her for so long and she had been exactly what I needed. I don’t know why Brielle couldn’t stay as long as she did, but I’m thankful for the time I’ve had. I wouldn’t trade that time with her.
I hope that one day I’ll know the reason for her death. Or at least see the good that came from her death. Just like the good that came from Lacey’s death. I don’t know why Lacey died when she did, but I do see how God has blessed me through the years following her death. And this is one of the many reasons I have faith. Throughout my life I have seen how God has provided and blessed me and my family. That didn’t mean we didn’t suffer or have hard times. But he was always there, still helping us, loving us, and taking care of us. And taking care of others too.
I think that’s the whole point of faith. It’s all about hope. I have hope that Brielle’s life will do good. Her life has meaning and value. And I know and can trust that God will use her life for good. When we’re in the midst of grief it can be hard to see how he is caring for us. We can become so caught up in pain, anger, and bitterness that we miss all of the good things around us. And sometimes it can even take another tragedy for us to look back and see how wonderful our lives have been because of loss.
Lacey’s life saved the lives of four other dogs (that we know of). How much bigger then will Brielle’s impact be?
“For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it…And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8: 24-25, 28
Our Last Day in the Hospital
“Jamie came Sunday morning (discharge morning) on her own time to check on us. She told us what to expect and filled us in on how Brielle would be taken before I could leave and where Brielle would go. I appreciated this information and her visit more than she’ll know. I don’t know how I could have gone through the day without knowing what to expect. She loved on us and thanked us for letting her be a part of our journey, she told us she was honored. She is a wonderful person and I am incredibly thankful for her. She is very special. David and I don’t understand why everyone is so kind to us, but we appreciate it and are immensely grateful for it.
During all of the back and forth of discharge, I read to Brielle. I read her all of her favorites one last time. And I saved ‘It Will Be Okay’ last. I talked to her as I read to her and did the silly voices that she liked. I’d play with her and her toys. I’d have her toys give her kisses and talk to her about Mr. Ducky and Elephant Bear. It made me happy to interact with her like I should, like she was there and not dead. I kept my bed up high near the bassinet so that I could love on her just right and hold her. I hated that I couldn’t see her eyes. David spent a lot of time next to my bed near her bassinet as I read to her.
We had another delay because the nurse didn’t realize I’d want to change her blankets. I wanted to have everything that Brielle touched. I asked for the bands on her arm and foot, but was only allowed one. The nurse said it didn’t matter which one and she didn’t want me using scissors on them, she wanted me to peel them off. It took everything I had not to be cruel in response. Of course it matters. Everything about her matters. I took the one off of her wrist and asked David to ask the funeral home to save the one on her foot. I begged that it would be saved (the funeral home saved it for me). David and I sobbed through the process of changing her blankets and clothes. We took everything except her diaper. I folded each blanket and handed them to Mom. Dad took pictures. I hurt to my core. David and I spent time alone with Brielle and we loved on her and told her how special she was. David took Brielle at this point and wouldn’t hand her back to me. This was for the best, I couldn’t let her go. I couldn’t physically let her go. So David held her while I fell apart and fussed over her.
When the charge nurse came, she gave us a chance to say goodbye one last time. She then put a blanket over Brielle so that no one could see her and took her back to the nurses station and to the fridge.
I watched her walk down the hall with my baby and lost it. This was the worst moment of my life. No mother should have her baby taken from her. David held me up and we sobbed into each other. It felt like my heart was being torn from my chest and rolled away forever. I couldn’t go after her, I couldn’t bring her home. I wanted to die in that moment. Take me instead, just let Brielle stay. When your child is taken from you, all you know is pain and I could no longer reason. The nurse came back and I got into a wheelchair. She wheeled me down to the first floor and I cried the entire time. She apologized for our loss, but it didn’t make anything feel better. An apology wont bring Brielle back. David brought the car around and as I waited with the nurse she apologized again and told me this unfortunately happens all too often. All I could think was, ‘It shouldn’t happen at all.’
Once inside the car I sobbed and held onto Brielle’s animals. When we were home I went upstairs, got in bed and slept for the rest of the day. I tried holding onto Elephant Bear, but it was too large. Angel Dragon Bear was too stiff and you can’t snuggle a rubber ducky. I curled up with Pink, the pink fluffy bear. (I ended up sleeping with Pink every night until we brought Brielle home in her teddy bear urn. I now sleep with Brielle every night.) David stayed strong for me all day, I don’t know how he did it, but I’m glad he did, because I couldn’t. I’m glad he was there. There was no way I could have lived this day without him. I couldn’t let her go.”
Part Four: Brielle Meets the Family
Here is the last part of Brielle’s birthday. Brielle’s anencephaly was very severe and David and I don’t feel comfortable sharing images of her face. There are people who will take these images and misuse them. That being said, the images I post with this post are the ones I feel comfortable sharing. I refused to cover Brielle’s face during our time with her. It felt wrong to hide who she was. There are more pictures that I will share in the future from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.
“I remember them asking how I wanted the family notified and I didn’t know what I wanted. Lauren and Dr. Bootstaylor went out and updated the family. The next thing I remember was being back in my room and Brielle still on my chest. David took Brielle and walked towards the window and started telling her about the sun and what it looked like. He was showing her around the room, even though we both knew she was dead. Later, David told me that he didn’t think there was a point in showing her the sun. I told him that even though she was dead, that didn’t mean she wasn’t still there and wasn’t happy to hear him talk to her.
I remember a flurry of nurses everywhere. I think Lauren asked if I wanted the parents to come in and I asked if Bernice should come in and David said yes. We didn’t know if his mom would be able to handle the situation. Lauren wrapped Brielle in blankets that she had brought. They came in and held Brielle. I think my Mom held her first, then my Dad, and then Bernice. They all cried. Bernice stood in the back and sobbed. My parents were very upset as well. They didn’t look like they wanted to leave.
Tessa and Zach then came in and held her, Tessa had a very hard time with it. I can barely remember this. People were asking me questions but I didn’t know how to answer. Grandma and Ari then came in. Grandma looked very upset. Ari held her and I couldn’t tell what she thought or remember what she did. I was struggling to stay awake at this point.
Emily came in and looked very tenderly at Brielle and held her, rocked her back and forth. She was very kind to her. At this point my memory begins to become a bit clearer. Her mom, Haekyong, then came in and met Brielle. Haekyong stayed for a while and looked lovingly at Brielle. She loved on me as well, held my hand, and stroked my hair. During all of this meeting Brielle time, I kept dozing in and out and struggling to stay awake.
After Haekyong left, Ari came back in and the rest of the family joined her. Then everyone was in there and things were livelier. Lauren began to do memory making. I had Brielle with me for most of the time. At other times I would hand her off to other family members and they would love on her and look very kindly upon her. It made me happy to see Brielle so cared for.
At one point something was mentioned about putting on a diaper and one of the nurses was about to do it and I said, “No, let David do it!” I called for David, it took about all the energy I had to stop her and call for him. He came over and I found great joy from watching him put on her diaper. If you remember on my birthday we practiced putting on diapers, this was a new thing David wasn’t sure how to do and I wanted him to have that experience with Brielle. He was grateful for that later. Linda helped him and he did such a great job. I could tell he was very happy that he had put on her diaper. David held her and loved on her a lot too. And that made me incredibly happy. In some ways it made me happier to see him with her than for her to be with me. He was so perfect with her. He loved on her, doted on her, cared for her. He was just perfect. He helped Lauren do molds and prints.
The time seemed to fly by. It felt like she had just been born and then it was seven pm. And I was confused. I was so exhausted. Nurses kept asking me questions, but I was never sure how to answer. Lauren filled my Mom in on things, but I couldn’t tell what. I saw Lynda the charge nurse say something to someone about how beautiful our family was and how special we all were and she was crying, she said this as she was leaving and changing her shift. I don’t know why she said those nice things, but I appreciate them regardless. I wish I knew who she had been talking to and what she had said. Robin stayed a little late too and helped me. And the other nurse for that shift came in and helped me. They asked me about pain pills and I said nothing until everyone had left and we had finished our memory making.
Dad walked around and took a lot of pictures. Lauren offered me things for Brielle and I picked out a few things, she gave us a lot, but I couldn’t understand a lot either. Linda was very sweet and kind (also a minister’s wife). She gave me a special card and brought me special booties, bonnets, etc. She was so kind. She stayed late and after everyone had said goodbye to Brielle, David, and she made sure I was tucked in and comfortable and that Brielle was sleeping as close to me as possible. She had brought in a bassinet for Brielle and put her bed next to mine. She had filled her bed with Brielle’s toys. Linda also gave Brielle a sweet pink fluffy bear and a beautiful crocheted angel. She placed both in her bassinet. And the angel on top of a very bundled Brielle.
I fell asleep holding onto Brielle’s bassinet and I woke up later with my hand still gripping the edge of her bassinet. The small little girl that was the nurse in charge of that room and us woke me up a while later and told us it was time to move to the other room. Brielle was put back on my chest and David loaded everything in a cart for us. She asked if I wanted to cover Brielle. But I said no. I refused to hide my daughter. Brielle was bundled up like she had been while I napped. I held her close, cried, and told her I loved her. I just looked at my beautiful baby and cried. So proud of her. We passed a couple of nurses on the way to the room.
When we got to the room our nurse was waiting on us, her name was Alicia. I helped move myself into the new bed. It wasn’t a seamless experience, but it wasn’t bad either, just a lot of big furniture in a very tiny room. The little girl helped Alicia get me settled and then left. Alicia told me that we would need to remove my catheter and get up and walk around 2 AM. I asked her if we could wait until morning so that I could sleep, she said she would check with the doctor. They did vital checks and such too. I also asked if the rail on my bed could be put down so that Brielle could be as close to me as possible for the bassinet. She said they weren’t supposed to. I didn’t fight her, but after she left I cried and cried. I just wanted to sleep with Brielle, but was afraid it wasn’t allowed. I was drugged, in pain, exhausted, and grieving. The whole situation broke my heart and I had very little will to do much of anything. I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t want to go on. I just wanted my baby back.
David positioned me so that I could be as close to her as possible. He lifted the bed so that it was just about as high as it could go and I did my best to touch Brielle as I slept. David settled in on his bench and made himself as comfortable as he could be.
The nurses were all very respectful and left me alone to sleep that night. They checked vitals a couple of times, but I was pretty much out of it. I slept as close to the edge of my bed near Brielle and fell asleep with my hand on her sweet little tummy.”
Brielle’s Birthday Pictures (Before Delivery)
This is a VERY picture heavy post (about 50 pictures).
lovingbrielle.com 