Our Last Day in the Hospital

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“Jamie came Sunday morning (discharge morning) on her own time to check on us. She told us what to expect and filled us in on how Brielle would be taken before I could leave and where Brielle would go. I appreciated this information and her visit more than she’ll know. I don’t know how I could have gone through the day without knowing what to expect. She loved on us and thanked us for letting her be a part of our journey, she told us she was honored. She is a wonderful person and I am incredibly thankful for her. She is very special. David and I don’t understand why everyone is so kind to us, but we appreciate it and are immensely grateful for it.

During all of the back and forth of discharge, I read to Brielle. I read her all of her favorites one last time. And I saved ‘It Will Be Okay’ last. I talked to her as I read to her and did the silly voices that she liked. I’d play with her and her toys. I’d have her toys give her kisses and talk to her about Mr. Ducky and Elephant Bear. It made me happy to interact with her like I should, like she was there and not dead. I kept my bed up high near the bassinet so that I could love on her just right and hold her. I hated that I couldn’t see her eyes. David spent a lot of time next to my bed near her bassinet as I read to her.

We had another delay because the nurse didn’t realize I’d want to change her blankets. I wanted to have everything that Brielle touched. I asked for the bands on her arm and foot, but was only allowed one. The nurse said it didn’t matter which one and she didn’t want me using scissors on them, she wanted me to peel them off. It took everything I had not to be cruel in response. Of course it matters. Everything about her matters. I took the one off of her wrist and asked David to ask the funeral home to save the one on her foot. I begged that it would be saved (the funeral home saved it for me). David and I sobbed through the process of changing her blankets and clothes. We took everything except her diaper. I folded each blanket and handed them to Mom. Dad took pictures. I hurt to my core. David and I spent time alone with Brielle and we loved on her and told her how special she was. David took Brielle at this point and wouldn’t hand her back to me. This was for the best, I couldn’t let her go. I couldn’t physically let her go. So David held her while I fell apart and fussed over her.

When the charge nurse came, she gave us a chance to say goodbye one last time. She then put a blanket over Brielle so that no one could see her and took her back to the nurses station and to the fridge.

I watched her walk down the hall with my baby and lost it. This was the worst moment of my life. No mother should have her baby taken from her. David held me up and we sobbed into each other. It felt like my heart was being torn from my chest and rolled away forever. I couldn’t go after her, I couldn’t bring her home. I wanted to die in that moment. Take me instead, just let Brielle stay. When your child is taken from you, all you know is pain and I could no longer reason. The nurse came back and I got into a wheelchair. She wheeled me down to the first floor and I cried the entire time. She apologized for our loss, but it didn’t make anything feel better. An apology wont bring Brielle back. David brought the car around and as I waited with the nurse she apologized again and told me this unfortunately happens all too often. All I could think was, ‘It shouldn’t happen at all.’

Once inside the car I sobbed and held onto Brielle’s animals. When we were home I went upstairs, got in bed and slept for the rest of the day. I tried holding onto Elephant Bear, but it was too large. Angel Dragon Bear was too stiff and you can’t snuggle a rubber ducky. I curled up with Pink, the pink fluffy bear. (I ended up sleeping with Pink every night until we brought Brielle home in her teddy bear urn. I now sleep with Brielle every night.) David stayed strong for me all day, I don’t know how he did it, but I’m glad he did, because I couldn’t. I’m glad he was there. There was no way I could have lived this day without him. I couldn’t let her go.”

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