Faith

I’m Twenty Five Today

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment
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My Mother and I on the day I was born.

I’m twenty five today. Brielle is 37 weeks today. My Mother and I have individually spent the day thinking about how I am almost in the exact same situation she was in twenty five years ago. She didn’t know it, but she was about to have a daughter (she was expecting a boy) and I am a few weeks away from having a little girl as well. Today is a strange day, it should be a happy day.

When I was a little girl I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, a mom. When I was four I “married” Batman and we had twelve kids. Twelve. Over the years I’ve been asked to choose a profession, a degree, a goal in life. Being a mother was never an acceptable answer, but it is all I’ve ever wanted to be. So I should be happy, I’m twenty five today and I am a mother. I’m a mommy to the best little girl that could ever exist. But I’m not happy. I’m grieving, I’m afraid, I’m deep in despair, and I just want all of the pain I’m in to stop. I want to hold onto Brielle and never, ever let go. My body is ready for Brielle to arrive, my heart and my mind are not. It’s the last thing I want. But my body can’t keep up anymore. So I’m sitting at home crying, because the day she arrives is getting closer. And I just want to keep her inside me for forever. I’m spending the day mad at myself for being upset, when I should be celebrating a milestone that I share with Brielle.

Last week we had such high hopes and great news from our visit to the doctor. Thursday we went back for another scan. David and I fully expected to see improvement or complete healing. We got the opposite. My fluid levels were up to 44 cm, Brielle wasn’t breathing, and my placenta, although still in the normal range, is not doing as well as it used to. David has remained optimistic, but I am not optimistic by nature. In this way, I struggle much more than David does. It’s not uncommon for a baby at this stage to not show signs of breathing, so it may not be a bad thing. She was moving so much we couldn’t get a clear picture of her bones, so who knows if anything has changed. And my fluid levels? We’re completely confused. My body is doing better than it was at 30 cm, David can wrap his arms around me and grab his wrists, and the areas of my skin that were stretched to the max at 47 cm are flabby and loose. My body is showing no physical sign of increased fluid levels (quite the opposite), but the scan says differently.

I spent the rest of Thursday crying or sleeping. And today I’ve just hurt, pain so deep that every breath hurts. David keeps telling me he won’t give up, and that I shouldn’t either, God’s not finished yet. And I won’t give up, I haven’t. But I’m tired. The past seventeen weeks have pushed me mentally, emotionally, and physically past my breaking point. And I’m exhausted, in every way. I don’t have the strength to hope, to grieve, to even think.

My Mom raved about a Bible study she did on Esther by Charles R. Swindoll. So I bought the book and have started the study. Last night, after I had cried my eyes out talking to Brielle, I picked up the book and read the second chapter, hoping to find some comfort. It was interesting, nothing too comforting, until about eleven pages in.

“God can move the hearts of the rulers of this world wherever and whenever He wishes. And, in case you’ve forgotten, He is in no hurry. We tend to think that if God is really engaged, He will change things within the next hour or so. Certainly by sundown. Absolutely by the end of the week. But God is not a slave to the human clock. Compared to the works of mankind, He is extremely deliberate and painfully slow…This is the big picture that we need to see if we are to put our anxieties on hold. God is at work.”

I wanted complete healing for Brielle for my birthday, but that’s not what God wanted. He has a different and better plan and I have no idea what that is. I don’t know how to do this part. I don’t know how to trust or hope, and quite frankly, I’m too tired to actively learn. So I’ll wait and believe. And I’ll believe that God understands my pain and that he will be patient with me. I don’t like this, I want relief and I want things done my way. But that is a rather petulant attitude to have. And God is undeserving of this. He has answered every single prayer I have asked of him. And, in the past twenty weeks he has saved mine and Brielle’s life at least four times. I shouldn’t complain or doubt, he’s taking care of us. But I would be very grateful if he would give David and I a break from this rollercoaster we’ve been on. At least I know he understands and he isn’t angry with me for my weakness.

“As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him, for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust…” Psalm 103: 13-14

So today I will be sad, I will cry, and wallow in my own misery. But I will continue to believe that God isn’t finished and that he will completely heal Brielle. I’ll also grieve knowing that he understands and doesn’t expect me to be strong all the time, I’m allowed to be weak, because I am just dust. And he is far greater than I could ever imagine or understand.

God is Healing Brielle!

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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God is healing Brielle and doing great things! I woke up Monday morning and was able to get in and out of bed by myself, as well as do basic everyday things I had not been able to do previously, due to my high fluid levels. Each day I was able to do more and more and my stomach size became smaller and smaller.

Today we had an ultrasound appointment and talked to Dr. B. My fluid levels had dropped from 47 cm to 34 cm! I dropped that much fluid in four days! That is not done. When Dr. B called us back to his office to review the scans, he watched me walk into the office and just looked at me with an extremely puzzled expression. David has been laughing about it all day, because Dr. B looked completely baffled. He asked, “Have you been exercising?” I laughed, “NO.” We talked about my fluid levels and he was very happy to see them down and have talks of amnio reduction off the table. But he was thoroughly confused. The impression that I got was that polyhydramnios does not, suddenly, or rapidly decrease. And the only explanation for this rapid decrease is that Brielle’s swallowing reflex has been healed. Which means God is healing Brielle’s brain and head!

We looked over Brielle’s scans and measurements. Our last measurements she was very underweight and it looked like she would be a very small baby. She’s 5 and a half pounds today. At 36 weeks a baby should be about 6 pounds. Her legs are a week and a half ahead, meaning she has really long legs! Not too much of a surprise considering her parents are tall. Her abdomen, which had been small, had considerable growth, still behind, but not by much.

And now here is the really cool part. Tooth buds develop in a fetus in the first trimester. Brielle has not had tooth buds (meaning she would not have teeth). As we were going over her scans today, David asked what a white line was across her face, near her mouth. Dr. B in a bit of a surprised tone says, “Those are…tooth buds, she has tooth buds.” It is rare for an anencephalic baby to have teeth. Brielle has developed teeth sometime in the past week! At first I just thought that was cool, but then I started thinking how long it takes for a fetus to make tooth buds (weeks) and then how awesome God is to have given her tooth buds. Later it hit me, he wouldn’t have given her tooth buds if she wasn’t going to need them. Brielle is going to need to chew!

David and I are overwhelmed with joy and excitement! Brielle is not completely healed, yet, but she is well on her way. God is doing great and amazing things with her! Things that are not done. I have prayed that God would do this in a way that would bring him the most glory and praise, this week was not the week for full healing, because it wasn’t the right moment. We eagerly await the right moment and in the meantime are incredibly thankful and awe struck of God and his work. He has heard our cries and has stepped in and begun healing her. We have an awesome God!! And we believe God will heal Brielle!

David and I will not stop praying for healing until she is completely healed. We are also giving prayers of thanks and praise. Please join us in thanking God for the miracles he is performing with our baby and asking him to continue healing her. I am humbled and deeply, greatly, thankful that I serve such an amazing and merciful God!

(We will need to request the picture with her teeth because we did not receive that one. The images we did receive were blurry because she is getting so big and because she was wiggling all over the place! Once we have it, we will post it.)

Praying for Hope

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For the past week, David and I have chosen to not limit God with our faith. So we have decided to pray for complete healing of Brielle, that she will have a long, beautiful, healthy life. And that her life and healing will bring glory to God. God has been good to us and answered every one of our prayers, so why should we doubt Him now? We understand that what we ask for may not be in the plan, and if He chooses not to heal her, we have decided to give Him thanks and praise anyways.

We believe that there is strength in numbers, if you are willing to commit Brielle to prayer, we would ask that you join us in our prayers for her. We would ask that you pray in Jesus name that Brielle is completely healed, that her brain and skull are strong and perfectly formed. That Brielle is protected from anyone and anything that wishes her harm. That Brielle is given a long, healthy life. And that Brielle’s life will bring honor and glory to God. And that David and I do not fall prey to fear or doubt and remain firm in our belief. We ask that you pray for us by name and that you ask this all “In Jesus Name.”

Two days ago, God proved His faithfulness and saved another baby from a fatal defect. After learning their baby had a fatal defect, the family and a group of friends prayed that their baby would be completely healed. Two weeks later, the parents went back in for a scan and found a perfectly healthy baby.

David and I feel that we must do everything in our physical and spiritual power to help Brielle. I know that this is an uncomfortable subject for a lot of people (even us at times), but we ask that you put your discomfort aside and join us in our prayer for Brielle. Help us in asking God to heal our baby girl.

No matter the outcome, we will give all glory and praise to God.

Learning to Have Faith

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These two verses have, for a lack of a better word, haunted me.

“”If you can?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9: 23-24).

I have repeatedly asked God, “Please help me, help my unbelief. Please save my daughter.” And I have struggled with this. I know full well that what is bestfor my daughter may not be what I want. I can’t see the whole picture, I only see moments now. I cannot fathom what will happen if she lives or dies, and the consequences associated with each outcome. I also know that if I do not ask, if I do not believe, how can I expect Him to save her?

So I struggle. I think of Abraham and how he knowingly took his only son to be sacrificed, having full faith in the Lord that He would do what was best for Isaac and himself. Abraham’s faith was strong, deep, and admirable. Because of his faith, God provided a ram and Isaac was spared. It was a test of Abraham’s faith and God promised, “…because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me.” (Genesis 22:16-18). And God did bless Abraham. The Jewish nation emerged from Abraham’s descendants and became a great and powerful nation. Jesus came from the Jewish people and went on to bless all nations and all peoples.

I want to have faith like Abraham, granted he also had eighty years on me that he had spent with God. I still want to have faith like that, but I don’t know how. So I beg God to help my unbelief. I want to go up to that altar and trust that God will provide. But I am afraid. I am afraid that the provision will cause me great heartbreak and great pain. If Brielle lives, will her life be one of suffering and pain? Will taking her home to be with Him, be merciful and loving?

Samuel was a strong Godly prophet and was of great use for the Lord. I spend time thinking of Samuel, because of his mother, Hannah. Hannah was barren and she was in deep anguish and grief because she could not have children. So she made a vow to the Lord, “O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life…” (1 Samuel 1:11). She had a son shortly after her vow and she kept her vow. After her son was weaned, she gave her son to the House of the Lord. He went on to be one of the greatest prophets of the Bible and his whole life he remained faithful to the Lord.

So I offer my daughter, I beg Him to make her a Samuel, to use her for His purposes and to let her life glorify Him. I ask this knowing full well that her purpose may resolve shortly after her birth. And I struggle. I don’t have answers and I don’t know what the plan is. I am afraid. I don’t know how to trust and how to fully believe that He will save her. I want to know how. I want to know that peace, I want to have that level of faith. I pray that God is merciful with me, that He understands my heart and that He chooses to save her, despite my unbelief. He amazes me and I want to know and understand that amazement through faith, through belief. I want to fully believe in complete healing for Brielle and trust that it will happen.

Learning to Ask

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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I have a couple of scheduled posts for today, but I wanted to quickly share what God has done for us today.

Last night I spent a long time in prayer, asking God to help my doubts and unbelief, even though I feel as if he’s telling me Brielle will be okay. I prayed that he would open the right doors and get us an appointment with a neurosurgeon. I prayed that the neurosurgeon we’d meet with would be open and receptive to our case. I prayed for David and the stress he is under.

This morning I woke up to a message from a friend telling me she felt that Brielle would be okay and to not lose faith or hope and to keep on fighting for her. I had not told her anything about my prayer and had not initiated the conversation. David called the neurosurgeon’s office today and we were placed with a different neurosurgeon than the one originally recommended, but who has more experience with cases similar to Brielle’s. He also graduated from Baylor University. We’ve been trying for weeks to get an appointment, David has called multiple times for the past couple weeks alone and has not been able to get through, and today we were given an appointment for October 9. I’m going to take that as an answered prayer and reassurance that Brielle will still be here by then. David has received good news as well today, and is having a wonderful day. In fact, when he called me earlier, he sounded giddy.

God has heard my prayers and he has answered them. God is good and faithful and He will provide. We have a wonderful and loving God and I am thankful, so thankful.

“…You do not have, because you do not ask God.” James 4:2

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8