grief

Brielle Is Turning One!

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

David and I are very excited to invite you all to Brielle’s first birthday! David and I will be spending the month leading up to her birthday remembering our favorite moments with Brielle and performing random acts of kindness in her honor. 

I would love to hear your favorite memories of Brielle and I would love for you all to join us in performing random acts of kindness in Brielle’s memory. I can’t think of a better way to honor her life and would love to hear about the things you all have done in her memory. 

I’ll be posting suggestions and ideas for the next month as we prepare for this huge milestone. The weeks leading up to Brielle’s birthday, and the day itself, will be very hard for us. David and I want to find the good and the blessings in her life, we want to celebrate her, just as we did while she was alive. I encourage you all to join us in finding the good as we prepare to celebrate Brielle’s first heavenly birthday. 

My Trauma & Struggles For The Past Nine Months 

~ lovingbrielle ~ 1 Comment

I want to apologize for being so quiet lately, it has not been my intention. I’ve still been writing, working on a long series of posts that I wanted to complete first. I want it to feel more like a series of short stories. But that’s a whole other topic.

Things for us have been hard since Brielle died. Not long after her death I began struggling with flashbacks of my childhood, recovering memories I had forgotten (dissociative amnesia), and was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) by two different therapists.

I did not have the home life my family would like everyone to believe I had. I suffered immensely at their hands and am beyond thankful that God has kept me safe. He has led me to a place in my life where I am safe and have been introduced to a trauma therapist that can help me and guide me through this process. I am even more thankful that I do not exhibit any other symptoms of disorders associated with child abuse. However, I do struggle with dissociation (thankfully within the limits of PTSD and not enough to qualify for dissociative identity disorder).

I’ve struggled with my memories. Struggled with my fears, my anxiety, and my flashbacks. I especially struggle with safety since I’ve never known what it is to feel safe. So I’m working on it. I’m extremely motivated to heal and to better myself. I do not want to be bound by my past and to forever relive my trauma. I want to build a good and loving future for my family.

Because of my trauma I’ve been unwilling to have anything to do with my parents. This has caused both family church friends and family to turn their backs on David and I when we desperately needed support. I have been spoken to cruelly and unjustly with false accusations being thrown my way. And not once have I been allowed to defend myself. I have suffered from many who claimed love for Brielle and I, but I can only assume that it was not genuine. David and I have felt the cruel sting of their betrayal and grieve the loss of the friendships we thought we had.

Even for this I am thankful. I would rather know the truth than to let liars into my heart and home. And so I happily move on from them and look forward to the future.

My grieving process for Brielle has also been a struggle. Pieces of me desperately try to hold onto her memory, but dissociation hides my pain and memories of her. In many ways I feel like I’m losing her all over again, but I knew this could happen. Which is why, during my pregnancy, I kept a diary of the majority of my days with her. I try to comfort myself with this and tell myself that I at least have my writing. And this is also why I work so hard to heal my mind, I know I can recover the memories I’ve lost, I just need to recover from trauma.

While I’ve been struggling with all of this, David and I have also been taking care of Bernice, moving her to assisted living, and then back in with us. It’s been difficult to know what is right for Bernice. Everyone has their opinions of how another should be managed, but it’s not that easy and David and I want her to be happy and respected. She’s a very kind and loving woman and we want to do our best to maintain her dignity.

Through all of this I’ve been unsure what to say. How do I talk about what’s important to me and not retraumatize myself in the process? It’s been a confusing, difficult, and painful time. And through it all I’ve felt the need to speak and have heard God call me to speak about my trauma, but I have remained silent, my fear and shame keeping me paralyzed. I’ve found myself feeling more like Jonah than a faithful follower and obedient servant. I remind myself that fear is not from God, but even still I struggle, and I know this comes from my trauma.

I am well aware that many hate me. Many refuse to believe me or listen to me and that many of these people claim to be Christians. Christian hypocrisy is not something I am unfamiliar with. But I do not report to friends or family, I report to God, and my silence defies him, and this leaves me ashamed and disappointed in myself. God has continually worked in my life and protected me. He has used even my mistakes and sins for good and he deserves recognition and glory for this.

And so I need your prayers. I need your support and encouragement. I’ve spent the majority of my life fighting for the good in me. I am weak and beat down. I need hope. I also need prayers for guidance, wisdom, and healing. My body has suffered greatly and fought hard to keep me alive and it is exhausted. My mind’s trauma and abuse limits me and keeps me from functioning as I should, I want to be healed from this. I want to do more than survive. I want to live. I want to thrive. And so I desperately ask for your prayers, love, and compassion during this season of my life.

What We’ve Been Up To

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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Normal life is starting to come around for David and I again. This past year has been…crazy. But this past month we’ve had our first sense of normalcy in a very long time. David and I have been sleeping in, binge watching Deep Space Nine, and playing video games together, because that’s just the kind of nerdy couple David and I are. We’re still working on getting David’s mom settled and the house is still a wreck…from last Christmas, but we’re making progress, and I’m finally getting to rest and begin the grieving process.

My garden, that I began work on this past winter, is doing well. I’ve not been caring for it like I should, but it is still producing well. Giant zucchini, heirloom tomatoes, and herbs coming out the wazoo; our summer meals have been fantastic. It’s amazing how different home grown food tastes. Overall, it’s been an enjoyable evening chore for David and I (and the doggies). We talk about our day, prune and water the plants, and then play a “water game” with Rosie and Emmy, they have the greatest time getting sprayed in the face and attacking the water. Funny thing? They hate water, unless it’s a game.

I’m behind on blogging and keeping up with real life. I needed/need some me time and some down time. But we did have a great time on the Disney Cruise and I’ll be posting about that (we’ve already booked another!). We had a six month celebration for Brielle on the cruise and I’ll post about that later.

I also still need to post about Brielle’s funeral (that’s just been a hard post to get to). As well as my medical update and just everyday stuff. I’ve been a little MIA.

I am struggling with some new stuff and I feel like it is something I will talk about in the future, but I’m not ready to yet. David and his mom always say to me, “You’ve had a hard life.” And I guess I’ve been trying to survive for so long that I didn’t realize how much I’ve been suffering.

One of the reasons I think it’s important to talk about our hard times and our good times is because we all suffer, we all hurt, and we all go through highs and lows in our lives. And I have to wonder if God could turn my suffering into something better for others. When I was alone, when I didn’t know how to go on, I needed help, I needed hope, but no one ever saw me. I may not be able to see you or others, but maybe I can give you hope. Maybe my life, my heartache, and my suffering can show you that you can survive and you can go on.

I guess, that’s all that I really have left. My heart and my home is with Brielle and the spark that I once felt for life just isn’t here anymore. I think your focus shifts after you lose a child, and mine certainly has. So what is left? I guess I’m still figuring that one out, but all I’ve ever wanted was to love and be loved. And maybe that’s enough. Maybe it’s enough to just be kind to others and move forward one day at a time.

David’s Father’s Day Weekend

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David and I spent this past weekend with family and celebrating Brielle. Saturday afternoon we had a really nice visit with Bernice. We had a great conversation and she was incredibly clear, even giving David some much needed encouragement. It was great to see her doing so well.

We then went to David’s second cousins wedding. David’s dad was the youngest child and David is the youngest child, so David and his second cousin, Jimmy, are just six months apart. I love it and think it’s hilarious.

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Jimmy has been a great source of encouragement to David as we’ve dealt with the loss of Brielle. He’s a great guy who’s always there when you need him. I count myself lucky to have a friend like him and to be a part of his family. That being said, we were very excited to see him marry Tammy.

The wedding was beautiful, one of the prettiest weddings I’ve ever attended. It was outside, the weather was perfect, everyone that came loved Jimmy and Tammy, it was just wonderful. And I’m so glad we were able to attend. I love David’s family, they are incredibly kind and have been very accepting of me.

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We came home that night and took Brielle to church with us in the morning. David dressed her bear in her Star Wars dress, she was so cute! Dr. Cooper was on fire that morning and gave an incredible talk on David and Goliath. The talk is part of his valleys series, God guiding us through the valleys of life. David and I love attending Mt Paran, Dr. Cooper has a message that speaks directly to us, every single week, and we always feel the spirit of God there. I’ll talk more about this message later.

Sunday evening, for Father’s Day, we took Brielle back to Dave and Buster’s and recreated the photo booth picture. It felt so good to celebrate her again. It hurt to remember the pain of her absence, but it felt good to remember all the love and happiness we shared with her.

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I think that’s one of the hardest things about grief, figuring out how to move forward. David, who has worked past the numb stage of grief, unlike me, held my hand and said, “I didn’t know how to go on. She was our world and now there’s nothing left. But this feels good, I want to celebrate her, I want to do all the things with her that we didn’t have the time for, like fly a kite. I want to keep doing her bucket list.”

This kind of took me off guard, so I was a little shocked, but David was sure, this is how he wants to move forward. So I said okay. We’ll make a new bucket list. We took her back to D&B and then, not feeling like video games, we decided to see Finding Dory. Which is a great movie.

We left Brielle in the car and later regretted it. It’s hard knowing where to take her and where not to take her. It can be embarrassing at times, carrying around a dressed up teddy bear, no one knows it’s an urn bear. And sometimes we feel silly, but then, like this Sunday, we regret it.

We’ll do better in the future. We’re still figuring out our new normal. But, at least, this incredibly sad anniversary, ended up being a very good weekend.

I Did The Right Thing

~ lovingbrielle ~ 2 Comments

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I hung up the phone and felt relieved. I didn’t realize it at first, but as I kept driving I noticed my shoulders were looser. I felt good. At peace. And I knew I did the right thing. I asked God to take over the situation, I had done what I could, it was His turn now. I followed that with, “Show me where you want me to go and I will go.”

This was the second and final call that I had with my parents (technically my Father). I won’t go into details, but Christmas, specifically, the day after Christmas put David and I in a very…difficult situation. And we were faced with the very difficult decision of continuing a relationship with my parents.

I have had a very, ah, strained relationship with my parents, for quite a long time. And I can’t be held accountable for every problem in this relationship. I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect, but I can’t fix a one sided relationship. It became clear that we needed to discuss our future children’s physical and emotional safety, and having my parents around, violated my family’s well being.

We called my parents and I spent an hour trying to make amends, only asking for an apology. They refused. Denying any and all wrong doing, for my entire life. Which is, kind of, absurd. In case you all were wondering, nobody is perfect. And I have never expected my parents to be perfect. We are all flawed, and I understand my parent’s flaws, probably, better than anyone else. And all I asked for was an apology. Specifically, an apology and family therapy.

David and I felt that was a reasonable request. I had already apologized, I felt it would be correct to return the favor. And, clearly, there are issues, we need a mediator. They refused. And I went six months without hearing a word. Oh, I heard they were saying things about me that are untrue, but I hadn’t heard from them directly.

And then he called. I knew why he was calling, so I answered. I also thought I’d give him another chance to fix the relationship. I thought that was fair and that they deserved that. And so, I reinstated my offer, an apology and family therapy. It didn’t go well. But I stood firm, and told my Father that if they wanted to have a relationship with me they could, but only under those terms. Once again, he declined. I told him that the door was always open, but that I would no longer be answering his calls. We hung up. And I was at peace.

For the past six months I’ve been hard on myself, questioning my decision. Did I do it right? Was it fair? Did they really understand my offer of reconciliation? I felt guilty. Ashamed. Abandoned. Rejected. Alone. I want a relationship with my parents. But I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. My husband deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. And while that may happen in front of friends and family, behind closed doors is a very, very different world. I deserve to be loved and this response is not loving.

I gave them another chance. I made my offer painfully clear. I stood up for myself. And they chose to walk. And so I am at peace. What I asked for is fair. It’s reasonable. And I’m not asking anything from them, that I have not already done, or offered to do.

And so I’m moving on with my life. For those that have been lied to, I’m setting the record straight. I’m not going to bad mouth my parents, but I’m also going to be honest about my decision. I am, and have gone, no contact with my parents. This was a very hard and a very painful decision for me. I would ask that my decision be respected and understood as final. However, my offer will always stand. They will always have a door back into my life, they just have to take it.