What We’ve Been Up To

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Normal life is starting to come around for David and I again. This past year has been…crazy. But this past month we’ve had our first sense of normalcy in a very long time. David and I have been sleeping in, binge watching Deep Space Nine, and playing video games together, because that’s just the kind of nerdy couple David and I are. We’re still working on getting David’s mom settled and the house is still a wreck…from last Christmas, but we’re making progress, and I’m finally getting to rest and begin the grieving process.

My garden, that I began work on this past winter, is doing well. I’ve not been caring for it like I should, but it is still producing well. Giant zucchini, heirloom tomatoes, and herbs coming out the wazoo; our summer meals have been fantastic. It’s amazing how different home grown food tastes. Overall, it’s been an enjoyable evening chore for David and I (and the doggies). We talk about our day, prune and water the plants, and then play a “water game” with Rosie and Emmy, they have the greatest time getting sprayed in the face and attacking the water. Funny thing? They hate water, unless it’s a game.

I’m behind on blogging and keeping up with real life. I needed/need some me time and some down time. But we did have a great time on the Disney Cruise and I’ll be posting about that (we’ve already booked another!). We had a six month celebration for Brielle on the cruise and I’ll post about that later.

I also still need to post about Brielle’s funeral (that’s just been a hard post to get to). As well as my medical update and just everyday stuff. I’ve been a little MIA.

I am struggling with some new stuff and I feel like it is something I will talk about in the future, but I’m not ready to yet. David and his mom always say to me, “You’ve had a hard life.” And I guess I’ve been trying to survive for so long that I didn’t realize how much I’ve been suffering.

One of the reasons I think it’s important to talk about our hard times and our good times is because we all suffer, we all hurt, and we all go through highs and lows in our lives. And I have to wonder if God could turn my suffering into something better for others. When I was alone, when I didn’t know how to go on, I needed help, I needed hope, but no one ever saw me. I may not be able to see you or others, but maybe I can give you hope. Maybe my life, my heartache, and my suffering can show you that you can survive and you can go on.

I guess, that’s all that I really have left. My heart and my home is with Brielle and the spark that I once felt for life just isn’t here anymore. I think your focus shifts after you lose a child, and mine certainly has. So what is left? I guess I’m still figuring that one out, but all I’ve ever wanted was to love and be loved. And maybe that’s enough. Maybe it’s enough to just be kind to others and move forward one day at a time.

Pity Party for One

I’m dealing with parental drama and I’m so done with it. It’s keeping me from grieving Brielle and I hate it. I want to talk about it, but it makes other people angry. I don’t want to hurt anyone either. I just feel like I’m trapped. I’m trying to wrap my head around what kind of people they really are and it makes me sick. Of course, they’ll tell you that they have no idea what I’m talking about.

I feel like I’m drowning. I’m having to put Brielle on the back burner as I struggle with who my parents are, suddenly becoming a caregiver, moving Bernice into our home, and dealing with David’s family drama. I love Bernice and I’m not complaining, but I never have a moment to myself. She doesn’t understand time and to her forty five minutes is a very long time. It’s made checking the FB page and keeping it updated very difficult.

I’ve been looking into other forms of dementia and I don’t think Bernice has Alzheimer’s, but another form of dementia. Her dementia is very different and I’m not sure how to help her. She doesn’t follow the typical ALZ patterns. She’s bored, and it’s been challenging for the both of us. I want her to enjoy the time she does have, but I have no idea what to do.

David’s job is a nightmare. I have quite a few choice words for his boss. In fact, there’s nothing even remotely good about him. He’s a sexist good ole boy and I’d like to give him a piece of my mind. That being said, David is miserable and beyond stressed. He told me the other night that this is the worst place he has ever worked. I hate it for him and I hate it for his coworkers who are being treated like worthless cattle. Really, there’s nothing good to say about the Atlanta office. Oh, David’s coworkers and lower management are nice, they’re also the ones who are there almost every weekend and until very late at night.

Things are just so hard right now. I just want to relax and be sad. I want to sit on the couch and just cry. I want to hold Brielle Bear and be sad that I can’t hold Brielle and touch her soft baby skin. Instead the whole world is falling around David and I. We’re tired. We just want a break.

*sigh* I’ll have a pity party for one please. I’d like a large shot of magical calorie free cookie dough, bra free months, stretchy pants, and lots of Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy, please.

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Update

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Sorry for the late replies to messages and the lack of posts recently. My mother-in-law (who has alzheimer’s) has been staying with us and we’ve been busy with house projects. I can’t leave her alone for long periods of time and she frequently needs entertaining (ideas on how to entertain her and give me free time would be appreciated, I’ve become her care giver). We’re in the process of moving her in and moving her things. It’s a strange process where we leave her alone for a few weeks and then she’s with us and then she isn’t…lol…the procrastinators way. 

Anyways, we are building five raised garden beds and will be starting a garden. I’m cleaning up the backyard because Emmy and Rosie have done their best to destroy it. They love to dig up dirt and eat it. Or dig holes in pursuit of some sort of animal. I really, really appreciate it.

I need a better office space. David has invaded mine. He had three offices. A computer closet in one of the guest bedrooms for light use, a computer opposite mine for gaming, and an entire computer lab in the basement. Well, he decided he needed to use more of my space, in other words, my entire craft table. So I’m building a cabinet system (Ikea hack) and taking away the three computer spaces and merging all of our stuff into one room. We all have to make sacrifices, David must sacrifice his computer lab and closet. I want my craft table back, dangit!

So we’ve been busy. I will also need to begin work on his mom’s house. The place kind of needs gutted and, being the happy interior decorator that I am, I am very excited for this challenge. Not so excited about the expense and work, but it has to be done. We will be using the house as a rental property, we didn’t know this, but David half owns it (he originally bought it then gave it to his mother). Never thought I’d accidentally find out I owned a house, but you learn something new every day.

I’m happily drawing up plans, the bathrooms need gutted, the flooring needs replaced. The kitchen is falling apart. I basically have a blank slate. The house has a traditional farmhouse feel, so I’m going for a more white look.

On that note, I’m creating a separate blog page for the Loving Brielle page. I am in the process of transferring over posts and organizing the posts. So if you visit the site, please know it is a work in progress. Once I get everything transferred and organized I’ll start posting more regularly and I’ll start posting more about the projects I’m doing, because I’ll be doing a lot.

I also realized I didn’t update you all on my checkups after I had Brielle. So I’ll update you guys on that and our future baby plans. I mean why not? I’ve told you guys everything else. I really hope you are all doing well, I’ve missed interacting with you all and will hopefully get more time soon.