What We’ve Been Up To

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Normal life is starting to come around for David and I again. This past year has been…crazy. But this past month we’ve had our first sense of normalcy in a very long time. David and I have been sleeping in, binge watching Deep Space Nine, and playing video games together, because that’s just the kind of nerdy couple David and I are. We’re still working on getting David’s mom settled and the house is still a wreck…from last Christmas, but we’re making progress, and I’m finally getting to rest and begin the grieving process.

My garden, that I began work on this past winter, is doing well. I’ve not been caring for it like I should, but it is still producing well. Giant zucchini, heirloom tomatoes, and herbs coming out the wazoo; our summer meals have been fantastic. It’s amazing how different home grown food tastes. Overall, it’s been an enjoyable evening chore for David and I (and the doggies). We talk about our day, prune and water the plants, and then play a “water game” with Rosie and Emmy, they have the greatest time getting sprayed in the face and attacking the water. Funny thing? They hate water, unless it’s a game.

I’m behind on blogging and keeping up with real life. I needed/need some me time and some down time. But we did have a great time on the Disney Cruise and I’ll be posting about that (we’ve already booked another!). We had a six month celebration for Brielle on the cruise and I’ll post about that later.

I also still need to post about Brielle’s funeral (that’s just been a hard post to get to). As well as my medical update and just everyday stuff. I’ve been a little MIA.

I am struggling with some new stuff and I feel like it is something I will talk about in the future, but I’m not ready to yet. David and his mom always say to me, “You’ve had a hard life.” And I guess I’ve been trying to survive for so long that I didn’t realize how much I’ve been suffering.

One of the reasons I think it’s important to talk about our hard times and our good times is because we all suffer, we all hurt, and we all go through highs and lows in our lives. And I have to wonder if God could turn my suffering into something better for others. When I was alone, when I didn’t know how to go on, I needed help, I needed hope, but no one ever saw me. I may not be able to see you or others, but maybe I can give you hope. Maybe my life, my heartache, and my suffering can show you that you can survive and you can go on.

I guess, that’s all that I really have left. My heart and my home is with Brielle and the spark that I once felt for life just isn’t here anymore. I think your focus shifts after you lose a child, and mine certainly has. So what is left? I guess I’m still figuring that one out, but all I’ve ever wanted was to love and be loved. And maybe that’s enough. Maybe it’s enough to just be kind to others and move forward one day at a time.

I’m Not Sure What I’m Doing, But Here I Am

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I’ve never really had it figured out. The life plan, the career path, it all seemed…wrong in some way. I have my interests and my passions: interior design, painting, writing, philosophy, reading, mothering, loving my best friend, faith.

All of these things bring me fulfillment. But, together, these things don’t make a career and to abandon one in pursuit of materialism, well, it violated my inner values. Thankfully, I have a husband who understands that I’m a circle trying to fit into a square world.

And when I was pregnant with Brielle, I thought, “Finally, I’m where I’m supposed to be. Living how I should be living.” And that piece of me that is always searching, found rest.

But she’s gone now. And I’m lost. I’m searching. Unsure of what’s next. Afraid I’ll fail. Afraid life will never go back to normal. It’s not as simple as just having another baby, because there will never be another Brielle.

I over think. I over analyze. And I’m, slowly, learning to say, “Whatever. God, just do what you want. I’m tired of this.”

He’s very patient with me. And, sure enough, when I let go, things start moving forward.

I guess, what I’m trying to say, is that I’m not sure where I’m going. I’m not sure where this blog is going. I’m not sure of it’s purpose, I’m not sure I’m doing it right.

And in a lot of ways, it doesn’t make sense. I’m not a person that likes attention. I’m a hermit. But here I am, pouring my heart out for the world to see. Exposing myself, warts and all. And I couldn’t tell you why.

I don’t understand it. I just know that I feel compelled to write. I feel an urgency to share and I write as I am prompted to do so. I don’t have answers. I don’t know what this means. I’m just relying on faith and following God as He directs me.

So, if you could, please be patient with me. I’m not perfect, I’m a mess. But this blog, it’s something I need to do. It scares me, it hurts me, and it puts me in a position that I don’t necessarily like.

But, it feels right.

I’ve found love, encouragement, support, and authenticity through this blog. I’ve grown spiritually and emotionally. And I accomplished my original goal, love for Brielle.

This place I’ve created is precious and beautiful to me. And I’m thankful for everyone who cares, who has loved and encouraged me and my family. And, I guess, I’ll just keep on writing until God says it’s time to stop.

Following directions is going to take some getting used to.