I’m Not Sure What I’m Doing, But Here I Am

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I’ve never really had it figured out. The life plan, the career path, it all seemed…wrong in some way. I have my interests and my passions: interior design, painting, writing, philosophy, reading, mothering, loving my best friend, faith.

All of these things bring me fulfillment. But, together, these things don’t make a career and to abandon one in pursuit of materialism, well, it violated my inner values. Thankfully, I have a husband who understands that I’m a circle trying to fit into a square world.

And when I was pregnant with Brielle, I thought, “Finally, I’m where I’m supposed to be. Living how I should be living.” And that piece of me that is always searching, found rest.

But she’s gone now. And I’m lost. I’m searching. Unsure of what’s next. Afraid I’ll fail. Afraid life will never go back to normal. It’s not as simple as just having another baby, because there will never be another Brielle.

I over think. I over analyze. And I’m, slowly, learning to say, “Whatever. God, just do what you want. I’m tired of this.”

He’s very patient with me. And, sure enough, when I let go, things start moving forward.

I guess, what I’m trying to say, is that I’m not sure where I’m going. I’m not sure where this blog is going. I’m not sure of it’s purpose, I’m not sure I’m doing it right.

And in a lot of ways, it doesn’t make sense. I’m not a person that likes attention. I’m a hermit. But here I am, pouring my heart out for the world to see. Exposing myself, warts and all. And I couldn’t tell you why.

I don’t understand it. I just know that I feel compelled to write. I feel an urgency to share and I write as I am prompted to do so. I don’t have answers. I don’t know what this means. I’m just relying on faith and following God as He directs me.

So, if you could, please be patient with me. I’m not perfect, I’m a mess. But this blog, it’s something I need to do. It scares me, it hurts me, and it puts me in a position that I don’t necessarily like.

But, it feels right.

I’ve found love, encouragement, support, and authenticity through this blog. I’ve grown spiritually and emotionally. And I accomplished my original goal, love for Brielle.

This place I’ve created is precious and beautiful to me. And I’m thankful for everyone who cares, who has loved and encouraged me and my family. And, I guess, I’ll just keep on writing until God says it’s time to stop.

Following directions is going to take some getting used to.

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