If you remember Brielle’s 30th week, you know that David picked her up Gigi’s cupcakes and that she loved the bubblegum cupcake and that I hated it and choked down as much as I could handle. Her second favorite was the strawberry shortcake flavor.
Her yummy cupcakes, except for that awful bubblegum one that she loved.
We went back and forth on getting her a fancy tiered cake, but that kind of seemed over the top and stressful. Ultimately, we decided to go with a custom cake from Gigi’s in the strawberry shortcake flavor. I’m really excited about the cake and can’t wait to have some! I may have a cake addiction.
One of the things David and I enjoy about Brielle was how opinionated she was. We had no idea that she would react to books we read her, but once we started reading to her, wow, she really did! This was clearly evident in this memory:
“Yesterday, David went out and bought Brielle a bunch of new books. I told her all about them and she did lots of happy wiggles. She especially wiggled for a Winnie the Pooh book he’d bought her. So I read that one to her. She loved it! She wiggled her little butt the whole time. Then I read her a Dr. Seuss book David had bought her. Nothing, she did not like it. No moving, no excitement. Not even happy snuggles, where she’ll curl up on one of my sides. Nothing. She really hates Dr. Seuss. Who knew a baby could hate Dr. Seuss so much? David said that this cannot be. She has to like ’80s hair bands and Dr. Seuss. I told Brielle I’d protect her from both, especially the ’80s hair bands.”
She also, hated, Fox In Socks.
One night as David read to her Fox In Socks, she kicked the right side of my belly (where David was reading) hard and then ran away to the left side of my belly and burrowed as hard as she could to get away from the sound of his voice. When I told David to stop and try reading something else, she calmed down.
He picked up Beauty & The Beast and began reading, she waited a few moments and then moved back to the right side of my belly, and snuggled up closer to his voice. So cute. She knew what she liked!
One of my favorite things to do with Brielle Bear is to animate her dancing. It’s so much fun, and can be surprisingly difficult. Her bear body kind of…lacks coordination. This is our favorite video of her dancing, but I have two more coming today! David’s favorite part is her face at the end. 🙂
In case you’ve been hiding under a rock, today we are celebrating Brielle’s beautiful life! David invited our closest family and friends. We weren’t entirely sure how well we’d do today and we really didn’t feel like blubbering in front of everyone. I’m hoping we’ll be too happy to blubber, we’ll see!
I’ll post more about her cake later today, but for the food we chose to have Papasito’s catered. Brielle loved the mariachi band when we went there for Mexico Independence Day and I thought it was a perfect way to bring that element into the party. Not to mention a lot easier than cooking.
We’ll be having her playlist on throughout the day and as we all know, she loved her music. Queue one of her favorites:
Before Brielle was born, I wanted to throw her a big party, but for various reasons it didn’t happen. This has bothered me ever since. The week before she was born should have been about her and it wasn’t. In many ways, this party is my chance to rectify that for her and myself. I would like to think she will be looking down and watching our celebration for her and that she’ll know how much I wanted to spoil her and treasure her.
I’ve ordered five three foot pink balloons. I’m pulling out the nice dinner ware. I’ve bought her a dress (I wanted something schmancy, but that’s pretty hard to find in 18″ doll size), and we’re surrounding ourselves with those who understand our quirky way of grieving.
I am so excited to share this day with them and with you all. One of the greatest gifts you all gave David and I was love for our daughter. In so many ways, y’alls love and encouragement helped make our time with her joyful.
Can we just take a moment of silence for my horrific selfie skills (or lack thereof)? This would be my deer in the headlights look. No worries, this face is awkwardly reserved for my front facing camera.
You know, I expected this whole random acts of kindness to be nice and uplifting for David and I. Instead it feels more like a burden and something I’ve saddled myself with and I’m left thinking, “What was I thinking?!”
Tuesday was planned to be a day where David and I would go to Dave & Buster’s and attach paid game cards to the machines. For those of you who are new, Dave & Buster’s was where Brielle had her first Father’s Day. It sounded like a great idea. I was genuinely excited at the thought of blessing others on a day when most would be stressed, anxious, and nervous over the election.
But when I couldn’t find my jeans in the piles of wadded up clean clothing mixed with dirty clothing and had to put on my, I can barely move, skinny jeans I was about in hysterics. However, hysteria would require breathing and that wasn’t really possible.
This compounded with, “Do we just tape the cards to the machines? Do we hand them out? No, that’s weird. Do we print out a message with them? Would anyone read them? Does it matter? Do we write the blog address on the note? Is that like advertising? That’s weird, right? Why didn’t I plan this out sooner? What in the world is Brielle Bear going to wear?”
Dogs barking. Everyone’s hungry. Bernice doesn’t understand why we want to do things for Brielle and is confused.
I finally threw my hands in the air and said, “This was supposed to be a fun night and instead it’s a nightmare!”
We stayed home. Bought Brielle’s birthday dress. Ate chicken noodle soup and watched the news. And for an hour I was mad at myself. I wanted to do this right. I wanted to make something good out of this whole situation.
But I had to step back and think about what was realistic and what was best for all of us today. And I had to be honest with myself, I took on more than I could handle. I took on a bunch of good things, but just because it’s a good thing or a good idea doesn’t mean I should do it.
Me, doing my best with milk and oatmeal creme pies (yes multiple). Who cares if they’re fat bombs? They’re delicious.
So I’m just going to do my best. And really be kinder to myself, for crying out loud Brielle died a year ago, and I’m running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off and then I’m feeling guilty and like I failed.
Brielle died, I don’t need to be super woman, I just need to take a chill pill. Now if someone could just smack me on the head every morning and remind me, that’d be great.
Oh, and my jeans? Found them. They were mixed in with the half clean half dirty Bernice pile, naturally.
On the bright side my hair was on point today. This is my, “I hate selfies” face.
lovingbrielle.com 