Faith

Happy Easter!

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment
image
The three of us at the "Smilebooth" at church this morning.

I hope you all have a great Easter today. David, Brielle Bear, and I went to church this morning and we’re spending the day with David’s mom and his nephew, Matt.

image
All three of my girl's Easter baskets.

We make Easter baskets every year for Emmy and Rosie, our dog children, and we made one for Brielle this year too.

image

We filled Brielle’s basket with some of her favorite candy: Starbursts, Skittles, and Air Heads. And then we added some things for David and me too.

It’s been a bittersweet day for us. It has been very hard seeing other sweet little babies dressed up for the holiday, but at the same time because of Jesus’s sacrifice we can be with Brielle again and that is something to celebrate.

A Mother’s Love

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment
When we first received Brielle’s diagnosis and I began to look at images of anencephalic babies, I was scared. Babies with anencephaly are portrayed as monsters or frog like. They are displayed in graphic clinical settings. A google search of an anencephalic baby will leave you disgusted and horrified. And I was scared that maybe I wouldn’t love Brielle or I’d think she was ugly. Will anyone love my baby? The whole situation was terrifying and I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
 
I am a part of an anencephaly support group, I have been since Brielle was diagnosed. And fellow mothers share images of their sweet anen babies. In some of the pictures, the baby has passed and is lovingly cuddled or swaddled in special things just for that baby. Some pictures the baby is smiling, giggling, blowing bubbles, they’re happy, loved. It’s beautiful.
 
I find myself completely heartbroken and in love with everyone of these babies. They’re so perfect and these babies are so loved. Each one, has a story like Brielle’s, a story of love and hope, and trust in God. Each is special. They each had their own personalities, likes and dislikes. A lot of them were active and silly. Each one deserved a future.
 
And so it’s heartbreaking, because I know the pain the parents feel. I know how it hurts to guide your child into death. And it’s heartbreaking, because each baby I see reminds me that another will come and another will die. Each baby I see reminds me of the horrors I saw in the medical community regarding anencephaly. Each baby reminds me of the ignorance of our society, how cruel people can be towards these sweet innocent babies. And it shouldn’t be that way.
 
I can’t imagine a more purely beautiful baby. I need to make a difference for these babies, they deserve it. Brielle had a beautiful birth and loving support from See Baby and Dekalb Medical. The care and love we received is incredibly rare and it should be standard. These babies deserve to be valued and respected. They deserve to be loved by everyone, not just their parents.
 
I know now that I had nothing to worry about. I still can’t get over how perfect and beautiful Brielle was and is. I am so proud of her and I just want to show everyone how cute she was. Brielle, David, and I were blessed with incredible amounts of love and kindness. We’ve been (happily) overwhelmed and I am so grateful. I don’t know how yet, but I will find a way to share Brielle’s story and the love that you all shared with us. Brielle’s life is a story of hope and love, even in the darkest times, and it’s proof of how amazing anencephalic babies are and everyone needs to know how special they are.
97da07ebe69a9f7dfc2b718fde45c415

Brielle Bear’s First Sunday at Church!

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment
25594035815_2e5d706a0b_b
Daddy and Brielle Bear. He loves his little girl.
25567947286_e3b5319458_c
Selfie with mommy.

We brought Brielle in her urn bear to church on Sunday. I dressed her in one of the church outfits we’d bought her in October. I was so nervous, I thought it would be weird or we’d look ridiculous. But it felt right. David carried her in and we sat with some friends. We took turns holding her through the service. David wanted to hold her the most, he’d take her from me and would say, “It’s my turn to hold my little girl.” It was cute, he needed her there just as much as I did.

Our friends were very supportive and thought it was good. They’ve been very understanding and encouraging. And it was just nice. My arms didn’t ache as bad. I didn’t feel like I was falling apart. It felt right. It felt right, to bring her to the place she loved most.

David and I don’t have a grave site to visit or decorate. We have Brielle bear. And even though Brielle isn’t a part of this world, she still exists, and David and I are still parents. And we still need to parent her. We need to love her and celebrate her. And we’re still connected with her, so it’s not as simple as just saying, “She’s with God now” and moving on.

I don’t know what she sees. I don’t know what she knows. No one does. She loved God and church. She’d jump for joy when the pastor said, “Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.” She danced when we sang praise songs. So David and I feel it’s right to still bring her to church, she’d want that.

We still need to honor Brielle. We still need to celebrate her and acknowledge her. And we’ll figure out our way of doing that. I’m not going to apologize for remembering Brielle and I’m going to do what’s best for my family. And right now, bringing Brielle to church is what is best for us. If she can see us, I think it made her happy.

Resentment Solves Nothing

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

Hate

Sometimes I want to hurt God the way he hurt me. I want to punish him for taking away Brielle. How could he hurt me that way? How could he let that happen? Have I not been good enough? Is this punishment or some cruel twist of fate? I’ll get so angry and I’ll have a desire to get even with God. I want to inflict the same damage he inflicted on me.

Of course then it hits me, he already suffered the same loss I did. And so I can’t get even. His son died so that Brielle and I could be together for eternity. And then I feel bad for God. I want to console him and help him through the pain. How horrible to sacrifice your son for generations of other children. To know that not all of your children will be with you for eternity. And I ache for him. I now can understand that pain and it makes me sad.

I realize how foolish I am and also how incredibly thankful I am. Losing Brielle has made me understand God so much better. He doesn’t seem quite as out of reach. Rather like an old friend that can hold my hand and offer me a shoulder to cry on. He’s already walked this path, he knows my pain, and he didn’t want this for me. I know he didn’t want this for Brielle or I. I can’t explain a relationship with God, but there is a comfort there that passes understanding.

And when I let my anger and hurt subside I feel his comfort and I understand his pain. The pain he must feel for me, to watch me suffer. He never wanted this for us. But humanity chose and continues to choose this path. A path of anger, bitterness, and hate. We all hurt others, whether overtly or inadvertently. I can’t blame God for this.

David and I have a genetic reason for this defect. Medical professionals have chosen for decades to dispose of these babies instead of learning about them. Due to ignorance and a general dislike of anencephalic babies, there is little known about them and little can be done for them. And those are facts of life. Facts we all have to navigate around.

I don’t know why God didn’t swoop in and save the day, but there must be a pretty good reason, because I know he doesn’t want me to hurt. And so while I’m angry with the situation and I get angry with the world, I am not angry with God. Because this isn’t God’s fault. This is the burden we all carry for living in a world that is less than perfect.