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Thank You, Kara!

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment
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We bought Brielle a charm bracelet, of course she only had one charm, but I thought it’d be fitting for us to have mother daughter bracelets. David bought me a matching charm bracelet and I wore it for the first time at her funeral. We’ve begun to fill it with charms that remind us of her and our own history.

Kara R. sent me a beautiful necklace with Brielle’s name and date of birth. And I think it’s a perfect addition to my bracelet.

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The charm reads, "The love between a mother and daughter is forever."

I have been wanting something like this, but I wasn’t sure where to buy it. I think these charms are a beautiful addition to my bracelet.

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Brielle's name and birthday.

Kara has been incredibly kind and giving to us through this journey. She always has been a very good friend and I’m very thankful for her kindness, mentorship, encouragement, and presence in my life.

If I’m Being Honest

~ lovingbrielle ~ 3 Comments

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I’ve written 46 posts since February. When I was pregnant, I’d write something and I’d share it. I might be a little hesitant, but I was more concerned with people knowing Brielle than I was with my reputation or image. But now I’m terrified.

I’m generally a very private person. And I don’t like sharing things on platforms that exist forever. I feel ridiculous. I mean, why would anyone care about me? My life isn’t remarkable. Why do my thoughts and opinions matter? Does anyone really care about what’s going on in my heart, mind, and life now that Brielle is gone?

In the past six months I’ve watched family and friends that said they loved me, walk out of my life. They used Brielle for notoriety and after Brielle served her purpose in their lives, they left. And David and I have been left alone, trying to pick up the pieces. Everyone’s gone.

Why would anyone else stay? Why would anyone care about me or David? Was our daughter just a fad to be used by others? Is that all I am? The mother of a fad? It breaks my heart and destroys my confidence.

I’m vulnerable, broken, and hurting. And I’m not sure how to crawl out of my heartache. I’m not sure how to be confident. I’m afraid that sharing my heartbreak and our struggles for the past six months will ruin the good Brielle’s life did accomplish.

My writing is dark, honest, depressing, and bitter. And it doesn’t make everyone look nice and pretty. It’s honest. And what I’ve learned in my life, especially in the past six months, is that a lot of people don’t really want honesty.

I’m at a crossroads. Do I quit the blog? Do I continue, but only post things that are optimistic (which violates my conscience)? Or do I show my vulnerable, broken side? I’m ashamed of this side of myself. I feel guilty for exposing it. I also feel trapped. And I feel like I violate my integrity if I shut my mouth. And I know, I’ll carry the burden and weight of this pain forever if I don’t open my mouth.

I know who I am. I know what I can live with. I just don’t know what I have the courage for.

Playing Catch Up

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

David has worked from home a couple of days the past few weeks. This has been huge for me. Getting a few hours a day to myself has been wonderful. And I’ve been trying to play catch up on Loving Brielle stuff.

I’ve been working on putting posts together and scheduled as well as responding to comments and messages. I’m really behind and I’m so sorry. I don’t want to write quick thank you notes or give rushed replies to your messages, you guys deserve my full attention, and I’m sorry it’s taking a while to get back to you all.

Many of you have shared very personal stories and have taken the time to encourage me, pray for my family, and have been incredibly generous with your time and gifts. I really appreciate all of this and I want to give you all an appropriate response. I could not get through this time without all of your love and support. You have all touched my heart and made a difference in my life, please be patient with me. I will get back to you and send thank you notes.

We’re Going On A Cruise

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

This will make the second time that we’ve taken a “change of job vacation.” Five years ago, David and I went to Universal Studios (hello Wizarding World of Harry Potter), after he left one job and before he started the one he is currently leaving. We’ve decided this is a good trend to have. Take a week off between jobs. So David and I will be taking a Disney Cruise.

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Now, for those of you who knew about our honeymoon, you know this is a big deal for us. David and I are no strangers to cruises, and we used to love them. But our honeymoon cruise, with Royal Caribbean, was horrific. For instance, mysterious white substance all over the stateroom couch…you get the picture. We swore off cruises and said, “NEVER AGAIN.” Never, say never.

We’re sticking to our aversion of Royal Caribbean, but after telling David about Disney Cruises, he’s been begging to go. My family went on a Disney Cruise in 2001 and the entertainment was incredible. The ship was beautiful and the entire experience was magical. It may sound kind of ridiculous to take a Disney Cruise after we lost Brielle, but they have multiple adult only areas and a great spa.

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David and I fully intend to hang out at the adult only pool and spa. I have a facial booked for me and a couples massage on the adult’s beach at Castaway Cay. We’re not getting off at Nassau, we’ve been there so many times it’s not even fun anymore. I’m hoping that the adult pool will be less crowded and I’m hoping the Nassau day will make the boat less crowded too.

David and I are going for ultimate relaxation. Sunbathing, fruity drinks, good food, and relaxing spa time. We’re so excited we’ll run up to each other and say, “We’re taking a vacation!” And we’ll do a happy dance, we need this.

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The most difficult thing about Bernice is that she is extroverted and I am introverted (not that extroversion is bad). I never get to relax. It’s been five months and I’ve never had a moment to relax or be alone. She seeks me out and finds me. I barely know the woman, so it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I really, really need a relaxing getaway. Alone time, I need lots of alone time.

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The stress from David’s job is making his hair turn grey and he looks haggard all the time. And he tells me I look on edge all the time, like I’ve never really rested or slept in months. He’s also complaining that I snap at him far more, which I can’t deny. After spending every day repeating the same thing over and over again to Bernice and then David coming home and asking me the same questions over and over again, I’m ready to break and bite everyone’s head off. I usually end the day with a bit of a twitch and a constant loop in my head, “They’re both crazy. I’m living with two people who are losing their minds.”

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We need a vacation.

I’ll take book recommendations, I like trashy romance novels, but not too trashy, like I don’t want naked guys on the cover, let’s be real, it is Disney. Light and fluffy guys, I need lots of light and fluffy crap. And if anyone wants to share Disney Cruise tips, I’d appreciate them.

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