Brielle’s Life

The Evening of Brielle’s Birthday

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Trust

On the day Brielle was born, after everyone had left and David and I were alone, David came to my side and said, “I’m mad. I’m mad at God. I was so sure he had healed her.” That morning I had posted a picture of Brielle, David, and I getting a picture with the Coca-cola polar bear. Earlier that evening I had checked the Loving Brielle page and in a single day there had been over 35,000 people who had come to the Loving Brielle page and had seen her story.

On average, the Loving Brielle page reaches around 8,000 people per week. This happens by people liking, sharing, and commenting on the pictures and posts. Somehow, in one day her little life reached 35,000 people! That is incredible.

I grabbed David’s hand and said, “I know. I hoped for the best too. But David, Brielle reached 35,000 people today. I don’t know why God didn’t heal her and let her live, but her story isn’t over. God has a bigger plan for her. Look at everything that happened today. Her story isn’t over. We just need to be open to God’s plan and trust him.”

He wiped at his tears and said, “I know, but it still hurts so much.” And it does. We both know that there will be more to Brielle’s life. Clearly God has a plan for us and for her legacy, but we have no idea what that plan might be. Her absence is felt every moment of everyday. And it hurts constantly. And we both get upset with God.

And I think that is important. I think it’s healthy to be upset with him. I think he expects it and I don’t think he is angry with us for being angry. He understands. And I think that is one of the most comforting things about losing Brielle. I can’t be too angry, God would have spared her if it had been for the best and I know this because God also lost his son and he wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone else, especially his own children. And so I know, that like Jesus, it must have been necessary for Brielle to pass now. I may never know the reason, but I can trust that God did not heal her because it was what was best for her.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t hurt. Because I do, quite a bit. But she’s safe and happy. She’s loved and only known love. He did everything he could for us and he made the loss of her life as loving and gentle as it could be. At the end of the day David and I trust him and we trust his plan for our lives.

Brielle’s Trip to Disney World

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David and I went to Disney World when Brielle was eleven weeks. We had a horrible honeymoon and this was one of our “make up” trips (we’ll be making up that trip for a long time, it was that bad). We had originally planned the trip thinking it would take me a while to get pregnant, like a few months at least. Little did we know that I am part rabbit. Needless to say I didn’t ride a lot of the rides, but we still had a ton of fun. We also used this trip as our pregnancy announcement picture.

We took all kinds of pictures with Disney characters and even had dinner in Cinderella’s castle and took pictures with the Disney Princesses. At the time I felt a little odd taking my picture with a bunch of adult women, my age, pretending to be a princess, it was like a weird Halloween. Looking back I’m so thankful that I did all of those things. We had so much fun and Brielle had a trip to Disney world!

She got to ride the Little Mermaid ride, eat in Beast’s castle, and have the “grey stuff” (it was delicious). We went to Epcot and “traveled” the world together. We hung out in Hollywood Studios and took lots of pictures there. And while we had planned on going to Animal Kingdom, I was way too tired for it. I couldn’t feel Brielle moving yet, so I’m not sure what she was aware of, but I’m still happy we made these memories with her.

The whole time we were there I kept wondering what it would be like to have a little girl at Disney World (I was certain I was pregnant with a boy). Little did I know that I did have a sweet little girl in my tummy. I was really tired my first trimester and didn’t know if it would be smart to go ahead with the trip, but we did it anyways. I’m so glad we did. At least I can say we took Brielle to Disney World. She really was a very lucky little girl.

Side note: It was super humid, no surprise there, and really hot. Not crazy hot, but just hot. And the onesie I’m holding was the first thing we bought for Brielle.

Thrift Shopping with Brielle

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Travolta

One of my favorite things to do is thrift shop. And one weekend, early in my pregnancy, I dragged David along to look for antique baby things (we found an old rocking horse). While we did get the rocking horse, we mostly were sidetracked by the many albums for sale. We found a lot of great things, and we also found an entire John Travolta collection.

Maybe some of you are fans of his musical works. Personally, I’ve never listened to it, but finding his entire collection was just too good. David and I had a great time laughing at the hilarity of it all. John Travolta stayed at the thrift store, but we came home with the Best of Bread and a Jim Croce album.

I love this memory of David, Brielle, and I. We were optimistic and looking forward to a life with Brielle. We’d find out a few weeks later that she had anencephaly, but at least in that moment we were all happily making fun of John Travolta.

Brielle’s First Snow

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Trying to hold Rosie still, so we can get a picture.

I was going through all of my pictures since Brielle was conceived, wondering what we did before we received her diagnosis. And I came across these pictures. I was sadly anticipating the first snow without Brielle and little did I know, she did get a snow. It made me so happy to see these.

Brielle was just a little poppy seed at the time and I have no idea what she was aware of, but still. She had a snow! She was there. Microscopic, but there. I’ll be sad when our first snow comes and she isn’t with us, but I won’t be as sad. I can at least think back to this moment, which I documented very well.

Emmy loves snow. And on this day, Emmy woke David and I up, because she could see the snow outside. She was running around, jumping excitedly, giving us her “awoo’s,” and finally jumped in bed with us to let us know she was ready for her playtime. She just goes wild in it. Rosie on the other hand isn’t that big of a fan. She doesn’t like the cold, and is kind of confused about the function of snow. Emmy sees it as something to play with and Rosie can only deduce that it is something you eat.

While Emmy goes into a frenzy and chomps down on frozen sticks, Rosie and I play eat the snow ball. I throw a snow ball and she runs after it and eats it. She then proceeds to try and eat all of the snow in the yard. Thankfully Emmy keeps her distracted and will induce a frenzy like state in Rosie as well. And then it’s just wild dog babies everywhere.

I’m thankful that this snow happened while David was home and that we got to have such a great time together as a family. One of Brielle’s first “memories” was all of us laughing and playing in the snow. I think that’s a pretty great way to start out a life.

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Brielle’s First Lake Trip

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Family

This weekend I’ll be in Arkansas having a Wolford Christmas. My grandparents retired to Arkansas a while ago, but my family has been going to Henderson for decades. As a family we all visit for the summer holidays.

The last time I was in Arkansas was for Memorial Day. It was a couple of weeks before Brielle would be diagnosed with anencephaly. The weekend was cold and rainy and most of us stayed indoors. We took one boat ride (highly unusual for us all) the whole trip. Of course it was the first time out for the season and the boat ran out of gas (come to find out someone had stolen our gas). But it was a fun outing. Tessa would be getting married in about a month, so we spent a lot of time going over wedding and travel plans.

Even though it was a lazy weekend and wasn’t the weekend we usually have (we usually spend the whole weekend on the lake and eating, Papa called us locusts), I still wanted to get in the lake. I’ve been in that lake every year of my life, I wasn’t going to miss a year just because I was a) pregnant and b) it was cold and rainy. So Mikayla and Teagan (cousins) and Tessa and Zach (sister and brother in law) all went down to the end of the road and got in the lake. Mikayla just stuck her feet in. And Teagan didn’t last too long (she doesn’t have a lot of insulation). It was really cold. But Brielle and I still went for a swim. I think she had fun. I was starting to feel her move at this point in my pregnancy and she did a few wiggles for me. As we all know, she was a natural swimmer.

I’m glad Mikayla took this picture of all of us. It’s the only picture I’ll ever have of Brielle on the lake. I didn’t know at the time that this would be her only visit to Arkansas. And I don’t think I would have done anything differently, I mean, we even took the boat to the cliffs (we jump off the cliffs into the lake). So she did the major things we do as a family. I think we’ve all jumped, right? Mikayla’s father, my Uncle David, used to swan dive off of the cliffs when he was a boy.

It’s going to be weird being back at the lake and not having Brielle with me. I’m bringing her teddy bear urn, but obviously, it’s not the same. I am excited to see my family though. It’s been a hard couple of years for us all, but it will be good to get together. I’ve missed them.