grief

The Meaning Behind Brielle’s Name

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This picture was taken on Father’s Day. The day before we chose Brielle’s name, the day before that Brielle was diagnosed with anencephaly.

When we came home that Friday the world didn’t feel real. It was dark and rainy and all David and I could do was sit in silence or hold each other and cry. We didn’t know anything, we didn’t know how to do anything, who to be, how to be. All we felt was shock, unbelievable pain, numbness, and confusion. Why did this happen to our little girl? How did this happen to her?

We didn’t have answers, but we did know two things, we were having a girl and she needed a name. We quickly agreed that her name needed to mean something, and it didn’t take much longer to agree that her name needed to have strong in it. So I pulled out the baby name book that my parents used for my sister and I, and began flipping through the pages. Nothing felt right. And so I went through my phone list that had names I had found over time. Brielle was one of the first names on the list. Before we considered it, I checked it’s meaning online. And here’s what we found:

Brielle: God Is My Strength

It was perfect, it fit her, it sounded right, and it wasn’t too much of a mouthful when you said her full name, Brielle Wolford-Gentry.

So we moved onto middle names. Well that was just awful. We always favored vowels and we could not have her initials be B.O.W.G., B.A.W.G., B.U.W.G., etc. Our daughter could not be nicknamed bog, bag, or bug. Having quite a hard time coming up with good middle names that started with a consonant, we decided to let it be for the time being. We’d come up with something eventually.

About a week later, as I was getting up for the day, the name Marie just came to me. Out of no where, it was just there. On it’s own I wasn’t sure that it would fit, but when I put it together it sounded right. Brielle Marie Wolford-Gentry. And thank God, she wasn’t a bug with those initials. Of course her middle name had to mean something as well, just any name would not do. So I looked it up on trusty old Google.

Marie (Hebrew): Wished For Child

She is wished for, constantly. I called David, told him the name, and he said yes, without hesitation. Which is a serious first for my wonderful procrastinator. And that was it. It fit her, our sweet Brielle Marie Wolford-Gentry. Our BMW-G series (my Mother’s ingenuity). And so now when I talk about my sweet little Brielle, you can know that her name isn’t one we just chose because we like it. You can know that we chose it because she needs to be strong and we want her to know she’s wanted.

Grief’s Women

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“I have these people in my life, in abundance. You do too, even if you don’t know about it. Women who have had miscarriages, stillbirths, who have lost infants, women who have struggled through infertility, those who still struggle through it and those who have finally given up on the dream of having biological children. Women whose babies have been diagnosed with hard medical things, in the womb or out of it. Women whose grief is not related to their children but who struggle to parent under the weight of something else. The list is even longer than that and includes so many different circumstances and trials and heartaches. Grieving moms and grieving women – they are literally everywhere. We should be better at loving them.

We should talk about grief. We should ask questions and listen to peoples’ answers. We should get better at loving people who are going through hard things. We shouldn’t forget them or be afraid of their sadness or let them feel alone or inconvenient. We should be as good at mourning with our friends as we are at rejoicing with them.

It should be easy because we love them.”

One of the things that has made me proud of Brielle’s life is that so many have felt safe to open up and talk about their grief. I hope that we can be more transparent and open with hardship. I don’t believe we do ourselves any favors by hiding our pain or grief, because more often than not, the person next to you is burdened with similar pain. We shouldn’t go through life alone and we shouldn’t carry our burdens alone.

http://www.coffeeandcrumbs.net/blog/2015/8/19/what-to-say-to-a-grieving-mom

August 19: Day of Hope

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So many think that these babies aren’t capable of anything and that everything they do is a reflex. By talking to your friends and coworkers about this defect, we can hopefully decrease its frequency and decrease the number of aborted babies with anencephaly, which is currently at 95%. I think it’s important for people to know that these babies are more than their defect and deserve a chance at life.

Our Hospital Tour

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Brielle is 28 weeks today! We took a tour of the women’s center today. We met with Jamie today, who is wonderful and scheduled us a private tour when she heard Brielle has anencephaly. The staff there is all being told about our situation and they are all going to do everything they can to support us. I cannot begin to explain how much we appreciate this.

The building is very nice. The first floor has nice waiting rooms, a very nice bistro, restrooms, and a piano (added bonus). The second, third, and fourth floors are LDR and mother and baby rooms. David and I were very impressed with the facility and how kind and friendly everyone was.

Today was a very hard day for us. We, essentially, toured the place our daughter will die. And we had conversations about end of life care, treatment care, and harsh realities that David and I would rather ignore. Of course, we can’t ignore any of it and this is happening. I’m having tremendous anxiety. Each new week brings another helping of panic. I don’t want her to leave us and if I could have my way I’d prefer to stay pregnant forever.

I told David I don’t have a hole in my heart, a whole chunk, the whole heart is breaking off. He agreed and said that this is like watching her die in slow motion. If we could, we’d give her our heads. But that’s not how this works.

She’s not even gone yet, and this pain is more than our bodies can hold let alone comprehend.

 

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