Prayers

Finding the Miracles in Unanswered Prayers

~ lovingbrielle ~ 1 Comment

Thank You

When I saw Brielle for the first time my heart broke. And at the same time I had peace and suddenly had a strength that I could not explain. I swallowed my pain and gave her my all. David struggled, he struggled with anger, bitterness, and hurt for the rest of the day. We both struggled with heart break. I don’t want anyone to get the idea that we both aren’t haunted by this day.

Yet, surely you have all seen how blessed we were with loving family, friends, and medical staff. We were truly, beyond blessed that day. God was in every moment of that day. As Brielle was put on my chest all I could think was, “Okay. This is it.” And as I looked at her poor little brain I realized what a miracle it was that she was born alive at all.

Brielle had maybe 5-10% of her brain. There really was nothing there. The tissue had not developed well at all. The venous structures were not strong, but instead very fragile. Her brain stem had not even fully formed. Brielle’s heart rate was 60 beats per minute when she was born. That’s less than half of what it should have been. She never took a breath. And yet, she managed to twitch and respond to David and I. She remembered the lullaby I would sing to her. She understood, “I love you.” She was able to grip David’s finger. She was able to cry. She lived far longer than she should have. All of those things are amazing. And David and I feel, were given to us, her ability to say goodbye to us and for us to do the same, was a blessing. She shouldn’t have been able to do all of those things on her own. And she did.

At 34 weeks a component is introduced into amniotic fluid. I’ll spare you the chemistry talk, but in babies with neural tube defects, this component is elevated. It essentially eats the neural tissue. David and I did see a decrease in activity, in cognizance from 34-37 weeks. I told myself she was just tired. I refused to accept that she was lost. We had seen a membrane on the ultrasound, it would protect her. It didn’t. She wasn’t just tired and unresponsive for three weeks. The weekend after my birthday, October 18, I talked about how I felt something inexplicable.

Church had been on everything David and I had been studying and praying. We went down and Brielle was prayed over for healing. I felt a warmth in my belly and a stretching. She began to respond again. She began responding to music, dancing, wiggling. She was back to her happy self. We assumed that healing had begun. Looking back, I think it was more of a gift. And who knows, maybe I’m crazy. But after going through everything, it felt more like a merciful gift. Her whole life felt like that.

It felt as if God was saying, “She won’t survive, but I can give you more time. I can bring her personality back. I can give you the physical strength to carry her and the extra fluid. I can surround you with love. I can let her say goodbye to you.” There’s no denying that there was a sudden change that day. She did improve. I improved. God kept us safe the entire pregnancy.

We survived a near car wreck with a semi, a near plane crash (fire trucks were waiting for us when we landed), and a heart problem that suddenly vanished. I had the physical strength to carry not only her, but obscene amounts of fluid. The most fluid one of the nurses had seen in forty years of nursing.

I don’t know why God didn’t completely heal Brielle and let her live. I don’t doubt that he can. I still believe he can. But I don’t know his reasons. One of the things David and I prayed for was that if she was going to suffer in life to not heal her. I did not want her to struggle or suffer tragedy. I prayed that he would spare her that kind of future. Regardless, David and I don’t know why she died, why he didn’t step in and heal her the way we wanted. But I trust him. That doesn’t mean I don’t get mad or frustrated or struggle with his decision. But I do know, we were blessed through this entire pregnancy. And I’m thankful for all of the good things we were given, even though it hurts.

Our Prayer Requests for Brielle’s Birth

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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This weekend and the beginning of this week are, perhaps, going to be the hardest time of mine and David’s life. We have not been able to come as far as we have without the love, encouragement, and prayers of the many who follow this page and who follow our story. David and I will never be able to express how much we appreciate everyone’s kindness to us during this time. We’ve come to rely on everyone’s love and prayers during this time and even though you have all given so much, we need to ask for even more. We need so much prayer during the next few days.

I am overwhelmed at times with fear and anxiety. I believe that God could still reveal a complete healing for Brielle or that he could be in the process of healing her. I also know that healing may not be in his plan and while I trust God in this, I don’t know how to exist without my sweet Brielle. I think of the moment I have the epidural and I no longer feel Brielle move. What will her last wiggle feel like and when will it be? I’m so terrified of this time. I just want to see my little girl grow up, I just want her to live. I’m doing my best to stay positive, but I feel like I’m about to fall apart, and this is the time I need to be the strongest! Brielle doesn’t need a Mommy that is a basket case, she needs a Mommy that will guide her through this transition, whatever it may be. So we need prayers, so many prayers.

David and I need strength and courage. We need peace and hope. I don’t want to cry while she is alive, I need help with this. When (or if) I see her exposed brain, I will have a pretty good idea of how long she will last, and I need strength in that moment. If she passes, I need the strength to help her through that process and tell her it’s okay. I need the courage to handle whatever situation we are presented with. And I need the peace that passes understanding. And I need hope. I need to hope for her and not let stats deter me from hoping the best for Brielle.

I also need medical prayers. I was advised to never have abdominal surgery again, and I’m about to have a major one. I need prayers for my recovery, specifically my nervous system. The nerves in my abdomen are severely damaged from previous surgeries and they can’t handle much more damage. Dr. B is one of the best and a very talented surgeon, I trust him. Regardless, my body doesn’t handle surgery well. Please pray I recover well from this and am coherent and not drowsy after delivery. Please also pray that I do not have postpartum hemorrhaging from my polyhydramnios or an amniotic fluid embolism due to the poly and Brielle’s anencephaly.

Then there is sweet Brielle. She needs the most prayer. She needs prayers of healing, miraculous healing, complete healing, she needs prayers of life. She needs prayers of physical and emotional strength. Brielle needs courage as well. This is going to be a very scary experience for her. She’s going to experience what all babies experience, cold, light, loud noise, etc. And that is going to be a big adjustment, especially if her brain is exposed. She’s going to be scared, I’m going to sound different, everything is going to be scary and she may be in pain. She needs help with this. She needs to be able to eat and breathe on her own. She needs prayers that she wont develop an infection and that her vitals will be stable and strong. She needs prayers specifically for her brain: that the nervous system is strong, her blood vessels are strong, the tissue is strong, organized and well developed. If her brain is exposed, we need prayers that she stays warm and that her brain tissue stays healthy (her brain covering will be kept wet and that will make her very cold). If it’s not God’s will for her to live, please pray that she has as much time with us as possible. We want her to meet as many people as possible and to only know love and happiness. Please pray that this is possible. Please also pray that she is in a breech position at the time of delivery. Dr. B plans to pull her out by her feet to reduce damage to her brain, he will turn her by sticking his hand into my uterus, grabbing her legs, and turning her. It would be great if she was already in the position he needed.

And then there is David, these requests are directly from him. That he has the strength for the situation, that he wont be exhausted. That he wont be afraid for her and he wont be pessimistic. And that he will trust God to get us and her through. And that he will be a good Daddy and a good husband (which he already is).

Thank you all for your love and support during this time.

Prayers

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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We have an ultrasound today and will be talking to Dr. B about delivery options. Please keep us in your prayers and please pray that we can get a good picture of her head. I need to know if Brielle’s brain is showing signs of deterioration. I’m having a very hard day, this may be the last or one of the last scans we have of Brielle.

Daniel 3:17-18

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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*Update on Brielle last night and our chat with the minister.*

Brielle was such a silly girl last night! We watched the pilot of the new show Supergirl and Brielle really liked it. She was kicking up a storm. We then watched the Bones and Sleepy Hollow crossover, Brielle liked Bones, but wasn’t too crazy about the Sleepy Hollow episode. She’s so funny, I have no idea what was so stimulating about Bones and Supergirl, but she had fun! Later that night David read her “Little Red Riding Minnie” and Brielle loved that story too! Which is good, David had been reading some duds that she was not enjoying.

*If you want to skip the theology talk, just read the last two paragraphs. And I’m not claiming an opinion on this at the moment, I feel like I am still in the process of forming an opinion. So make what you will of the theology talk.*

Okay, long update about our talk with the minister on Wednesday. So some background information about David and I. We were raised on opposite ends of the spectrum in regards to church theology. I was raised Church of Christ which tends to not believe in supernatural things, such as miraculous healing. David was raised Pentecostal, which believes in supernatural things. David grew up hearing about healings and such, I was raised to believe those stories were made up. Skepticism was pounded into my head from infancy, whereas David has a more natural skepticism, perhaps even a healthy dose of skepticism. Combine college with my upbringing and I hardly believe anything, not something I enjoy about myself. I must add, this is not a criticism of mine or David’s upbringing, but rather a statement of our past.

David has been praying for healing this entire pregnancy, I have not been open to that idea until the beginning of October. It took quite a bit of strong nudging from God for me to finally listen, again, skepticism. So I’ve spent the past month reading everything on the subject, learning as much as I can. And what I found was wild extremes that resulted in an even deeper confusion and ignorance on my part. But I did realize that the Bible was pretty clear that healing is something that happens and something as Christians that we should be open to. So David scheduled a meeting with someone we could speak to about all of this and give us advice. What do we need to do? Are we doing enough? Is our mindset off? David and I were both lost as to what we needed to do and we needed help, advice.

The minister explained to us the far right and left of healing theology. From those on my end, to those who believe it and claim it. Meaning those who say God has healed my (fill in the blank) and because I have declared it, it will be done. He explained the problems with both. One gives no room for God to work in our lives, the other makes it so that we have to do all the work in our lives and we end up battling our faith and belief instead of trusting God’s will.

He proposed that healing falls more in the middle of these two opinions. That it is something that still and does happen and that we should be open to it and “by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” (Philippians 4:6). But that God can answer in varying degrees. He could answer with a no, he could answer with a process of healing, and he could answer with miraculous healing.

If he answers no, it’s not because he doesn’t care or want to, but rather because there is more to the situation than we understand. Similar to how a parent handles a request from a three to four year old. Their request may be perfectly acceptable, but saying yes may not be the best option. Personally, I don’t like that answer, but really, no one does.

If he answers with a process of healing, he also has a reason for that. But this was interesting to me and something I had wondered about. Does God ever kind of heal, can his healing be tampered with, and does his healing take time? Well that’s what this option was about. The minister believes that when we pray for healing, not miraculous healing, that God answers with a process of healing. Meaning things begin to change, and if something goes wrong because of outside forces, such as medical or personal intervention, that can cause a problem and get in the way of what God intends.

Then we talked about instant or miraculous healing. And this was interesting, because I just assumed God would heal instantly. He said that sometimes God answers a healing prayer with instant healing, but that a lot of times, you need to pray for miraculous healing to get that instant result. And even still, God may not answer how you want.

We talked about wanting proof and how that isn’t a bad thing to ask for and doesn’t lessen our faith. We talked about how an ideal faith is trusting God with the outcome, no matter the result.

“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3: 17-18

Then we talked about what has happened in our situation. We told him about how Brielle suddenly developed teeth, her weight and measurements were suddenly brought into the normal range, the physical things I had felt when we had prayed, and the improvement in her mental state. We explained how Dr. B seemed confused and bewildered at times and we shared other experiences that had occurred during this pregnancy. The minister looked stunned and said that since we hadn’t seen a confirmation of full healing, that he believed God is in the process of healing her and that the things we had seen may have very well been confirmations that she is improving.

It was incredibly encouraging to hear affirmation from someone who has experience with this. David and I feel a bit lost at sea through all of this, and it was good to have someone to talk to and encourage us. We definitely needed it. Our doctor’s appointments aren’t what I would call encouraging or hopeful. They feel more soul crushing and pessimistic.

Missed Opportunity

~ lovingbrielle ~ Leave a comment

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We were unable to meet with Dr. B today. He had an emergency cesarean. We did enjoy seeing our little girl! My fluid is up to almost 32 cm. I’m concerned that Brielle’s brain stem is not functioning well, that amniotic fluid is deteriorating her brain, or that she might have a brain bleed. We really won’t know until I have an MRI, hopefully something we can discuss next Tuesday.