Brielle’s Life

Brielle is 35 Weeks!

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Brielle is 35 weeks! We celebrated a little early this week. Thursday (a day early) we went and saw a Rifftrax of a horrible ’80s movie called, Miami Connection. The guys who do Rifftrax are the same guys who did Mystery Science Theater, they make fun of movies. It is really hilarious. It’s not mean, it’s all in good fun, but they are really very funny. Anyways, we had a good time out and laughed ourselves silly. At one point, David was laughing so hard I thought he was about to have a heart attack.

We also had an appointment Thursday afternoon to check my fluid levels. They were up to 47 cm, that’s a lot. I’m actually feeling better than I was at 37 cm. I can breathe and sleep fine. I’m having a lot of trouble walking and eating. There’s not a lot of room in there for food and my joints are like, “Too much weight!!” So, you know, good fun. Otherwise, everything looked great for both me and Brielle. All of our stats were perfect.

Saturday, my gastroparesis support group threw me a baby shower for Brielle. It was so kind and sweet. It was very special. We watched Jane Eyre, the 1983 Timothy Dalton version. Brielle liked it! We’ve seen two versions now and she liked both. Which is good, Jane Eyre is my favorite book. Overall, this week Brielle and I will be taking it easy and watching a lot of movies. Because that’s about all Mommy has the strength for.

Brielle did do some funny things the other day. I woke up to her dancing her little booty off. I mean flailing her arms and legs in every direction, she is quite the acrobat. I gently patted my belly and said, “Good morning sweet girl.” She froze. She stopped moving altogether and retreated deep in my tummy. I woke up again a few hours later to a new set of acrobatics, this one with lots of punches to my abdomen. So I rubbed on that spot and she once again froze and retreated. I guess I wasn’t supposed to know what she was up to. Silly girl is so shy! Saturday, David and I were watching my tummy and Brielle was kicking so hard you could see my belly jump (it’s harder to see that because of all the fluid I’m carrying). David started talking and she stopped. So I told her Daddy was gone and could she show Mommy how big and strong she is getting? Oh then she started moving again. So David had to sit there quietly and not move while she put on her little show. Later, David kept saying, “How did we get such a shy daughter?” I had to remind him, she’s OUR daughter. You don’t get much more introverted than David and I, what did he expect?

Brielle’s Baby Shower

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Saturday I was given a surprise baby shower for Brielle. I am in a group of wonderful ladies that also suffer from gastroparesis. A condition where the stomach organ is paralyzed. I’ve struggled with gastroparesis for nearly ten years now. The past three or so years I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know this wonderful group of women. We are all very different, but have grown close through our struggles with gastroparesis, but also through sharing our lives and becoming good friends.

They each sent me cards to open on Saturday, and then they sent a large envelope that I was instructed to open last. Each card was beautiful, uplifting, and encouraging. And I treasure each one. The final envelope was truly a big surprise. The group had not only donated to Duke University (where they research anencephaly), but had bought Brielle a star!

David and I were so excited about her star! We’ve wanted to get one for her, but have not had the time or energy to look into it. This was a huge surprise and greatly appreciated. It was so sweet and made me feel so good to have a shower for Brielle, especially such a special one. This will be something I tuck away in my heart forever.

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Praying for Hope

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For the past week, David and I have chosen to not limit God with our faith. So we have decided to pray for complete healing of Brielle, that she will have a long, beautiful, healthy life. And that her life and healing will bring glory to God. God has been good to us and answered every one of our prayers, so why should we doubt Him now? We understand that what we ask for may not be in the plan, and if He chooses not to heal her, we have decided to give Him thanks and praise anyways.

We believe that there is strength in numbers, if you are willing to commit Brielle to prayer, we would ask that you join us in our prayers for her. We would ask that you pray in Jesus name that Brielle is completely healed, that her brain and skull are strong and perfectly formed. That Brielle is protected from anyone and anything that wishes her harm. That Brielle is given a long, healthy life. And that Brielle’s life will bring honor and glory to God. And that David and I do not fall prey to fear or doubt and remain firm in our belief. We ask that you pray for us by name and that you ask this all “In Jesus Name.”

Two days ago, God proved His faithfulness and saved another baby from a fatal defect. After learning their baby had a fatal defect, the family and a group of friends prayed that their baby would be completely healed. Two weeks later, the parents went back in for a scan and found a perfectly healthy baby.

David and I feel that we must do everything in our physical and spiritual power to help Brielle. I know that this is an uncomfortable subject for a lot of people (even us at times), but we ask that you put your discomfort aside and join us in our prayer for Brielle. Help us in asking God to heal our baby girl.

No matter the outcome, we will give all glory and praise to God.

Happy Birthday Papa

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Today is my Papa’s birthday, he’d be 75 this year. We have this strange thing in my Wolford family where a lot of us were born in October, I mean a lot. Papa and I are almost exactly fifty years apart. I was born on October 16, 1990 he on October 4, 1940. I always appreciated this, because otherwise I would not have been able to remember how old he was. Numbers and dates aren’t my thing.

But they were his thing. Papa was incredibly smart and could rattle off a complex equation in seconds. He was funny, really funny. I can still hear his laugh when I think of the stories he would tell. He adored his family and truly was the best Papa I could have ever asked for or even dreamed of. Papa had his faults, but when it came to how he loved and treated his family, well let’s just say he was in a league of his own. Nothing made him happier than seeing his family come together and fill up the house. And we’d fill it. Roughly twenty of us (plus a few large dogs) in a three bedroom two bath house. Our family comes from Ft. Worth, Chicago, Nashville, and Atlanta. We travel specifically to see each other during the summer holidays in Arkansas and in the winter we go to Chicago for Christmas. We’ve done this for decades, long before I was even on Billy Goat’s Hill. We do it because we’re a family and we love each other, through thick and thin.

Papa died December 22, 2014. It wasn’t sudden. He’d been on hospice for three weeks and he had been battling stage 4 melanoma for six hard years. During those three weeks, the Wolford family gathered repeatedly to love on Papa and tell him how wonderful and amazing he was and still is. Papa was surrounded with people who loved him, old friends, new friends, and family gathered to tell him what a special man he was. What a great friend he was, what a great father he was, what a great Papa he was. His biggest concern about dying was leaving his family behind. And I have to say it has been hard.

I just want to hear his voice, when I’m struggling and feel like my world is coming down because everything is stacked against Brielle. I just want to know he’s there, but I know what he would say. He would tell me that he’s going to believe she is going to live, and why not, she’s a fighter. He would stay positive and tell me that he’s not going to stop believing in her. He’d laugh when I would tell him about the silly things she does. He’d love to see her pictures and he would love her. He’d think she was the most special thing and he’d just love her to death. It wouldn’t matter what she looked like or acted like, he’d think she was perfect and he’d tell me so too. I need my Papa and I miss my Papa. I’ll be with Papa again, but for now I, and my family, have to go on missing a beautiful and wonderful piece of our lives.

I’m thankful I got to know Papa, thankful that he fought as hard as he did, thankful that I have such a wonderful family, because of him and Grandma. He doesn’t suffer anymore and I can’t be sad about that. I can only be sad for myself. So Happy 75th Birthday Papa! I know that you are happy, I know that you are okay, and that you are not suffering or in pain. I love you and I miss you. We’ll be okay.

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This is a picture of the first time Papa held me.
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This was taken last year around October 12.

Learning to Have Faith

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These two verses have, for a lack of a better word, haunted me.

“”If you can?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9: 23-24).

I have repeatedly asked God, “Please help me, help my unbelief. Please save my daughter.” And I have struggled with this. I know full well that what is bestfor my daughter may not be what I want. I can’t see the whole picture, I only see moments now. I cannot fathom what will happen if she lives or dies, and the consequences associated with each outcome. I also know that if I do not ask, if I do not believe, how can I expect Him to save her?

So I struggle. I think of Abraham and how he knowingly took his only son to be sacrificed, having full faith in the Lord that He would do what was best for Isaac and himself. Abraham’s faith was strong, deep, and admirable. Because of his faith, God provided a ram and Isaac was spared. It was a test of Abraham’s faith and God promised, “…because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me.” (Genesis 22:16-18). And God did bless Abraham. The Jewish nation emerged from Abraham’s descendants and became a great and powerful nation. Jesus came from the Jewish people and went on to bless all nations and all peoples.

I want to have faith like Abraham, granted he also had eighty years on me that he had spent with God. I still want to have faith like that, but I don’t know how. So I beg God to help my unbelief. I want to go up to that altar and trust that God will provide. But I am afraid. I am afraid that the provision will cause me great heartbreak and great pain. If Brielle lives, will her life be one of suffering and pain? Will taking her home to be with Him, be merciful and loving?

Samuel was a strong Godly prophet and was of great use for the Lord. I spend time thinking of Samuel, because of his mother, Hannah. Hannah was barren and she was in deep anguish and grief because she could not have children. So she made a vow to the Lord, “O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life…” (1 Samuel 1:11). She had a son shortly after her vow and she kept her vow. After her son was weaned, she gave her son to the House of the Lord. He went on to be one of the greatest prophets of the Bible and his whole life he remained faithful to the Lord.

So I offer my daughter, I beg Him to make her a Samuel, to use her for His purposes and to let her life glorify Him. I ask this knowing full well that her purpose may resolve shortly after her birth. And I struggle. I don’t have answers and I don’t know what the plan is. I am afraid. I don’t know how to trust and how to fully believe that He will save her. I want to know how. I want to know that peace, I want to have that level of faith. I pray that God is merciful with me, that He understands my heart and that He chooses to save her, despite my unbelief. He amazes me and I want to know and understand that amazement through faith, through belief. I want to fully believe in complete healing for Brielle and trust that it will happen.