One Week Since Brielle’s Birth

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Thursday, November 19, 2015 was one week since Brielle was born. It’s hard to believe that she would be a week old already. In some ways it feels like I just had her and in other ways it feels like it’s been years and years since I was holding her in my arms. Today was one of those days where I had imagined doing things with her and I spent a lot of time today wondering what she would look like now. How would I feel physically today if she were here? How much more exhausted would I be and would I even care or notice? How many poopie diapers would she have had by now? It’s the little things that drive everyone else crazy that I spent the day wondering about.

I told David that I feel a bit out of place. I’m a Mommy, but I don’t have a baby to hold. Our lives have reverted back to just me and David again. We won’t need a babysitter, we won’t be drowning in baby things, we can go on vacation. I can buy myself expensive things and not feel guilty. I’d rather have poopie diapers. I am empty. My arms are empty, my womb is empty, and my heart is empty. I miss my little girl, my joy.

Today wasn’t all sad though, and I am very, very grateful for that. Kelle S. and Susan V. flew in for the day from Texas to check on me. They won’t be able to make it to the funeral, but still wanted to see us. I can’t express how much I appreciated their visit. Kelle, of course, had us all laughing with her ridiculous stories. And they brought news of home and what was going on there. I had fun listening to their wonderfully normal lives and it distracted me from my own pain. And somehow Kelle was able to bring homemade cookies and an entire Simply Bundt pumpkin spice cake, through security and onto the plane! She’s so funny. Susan shared things going on with her family too and it made me happy to hear about Craig’s recent trip to Mexico and what was going on with Brian and Matt.

It may seem odd to many of you, but our church friends from Texas are like family to us and helped raise Tessa (my sister) and I. Just hearing things going on in their lives and seeing them warmed my heart. It was like I had a slice of home and comfort for a short while. And I didn’t feel so alone and stranded in Georgia. It was very nice.

I also want to thank Veracode, the company my Father works for, for the beautiful pink roses. They’ve opened up beautifully and match Brielle’s chalkboard perfectly. The day they arrived was a very hard day for me and they were a wonderful surprise that brightened my day.

I did little things for Brielle today. I meant to eat skittles, but forgot, and then was mad at myself for a few minutes because I forgot. I drank a coke for her, her favorite soda, and updated her chalkboard, which was extremely painful to do. Wiping away 40th and six days from the board broke my heart, I don’t want life to move on, but it does, whether I like it or not. My Dad took pictures of David and I in front of the sign, but I couldn’t manage a smile. I tried my best and it turned out more like a snarl. Well then that had me laughing, who snarls in a picture? So then he caught some awkward smiles, which I can share if y’all would like. In each picture I held my belly. I still hold her even though she’s not there anymore.

Carrying Brielle wasn’t the hard part, living without her is. This part that I’ll be living for the rest of my life, is the part that hurts the most. I miss her.

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