One of Brielle’s favorite books is “It Will be Okay” by Lysa TerKeurst. I bought this for Brielle not long after we were given her diagnosis. At the time I was still learning to talk to Brielle and be comfortable having conversations with my belly. It had not occurred to me yet that maybe David and I needed to prepare Brielle for what was coming. Her reaction to this book when we first read it to her was immediate. She was happy and it surprisingly brought comfort to David and I as we read it to her. At times, this was the only book she would respond to and so we would read it, over and over again.
Within a few weeks, I began telling Brielle what was going to happen when she was born and I continue to do this. I tell her how it will be scary. That it will be cold and she might be in pain. I tell her that she is very sick and that she will need to fight hard to stay with Mommy and Daddy, but that if it’s too hard that it is okay for her to go. But I always ask her to hold on just long enough to let me hold her. I want her to be with David or I as she passes. I’ll tell her about the doctors and nurses and how she may not be able to be with Mommy right away, but Daddy will be there, he will be close to her. I tell her to be brave and not to be afraid, that it will all be okay. And no matter what, Mommy and Daddy love her.
I feel like this sweet children’s book helps not only her, but also David and I. The book follows a little seed, who lives in a cozy packet in a cozy shed, and who makes a sweet friend called Little Fox. But then the Farmer (God) takes him out of his cozy packet and puts him deep in the ground. Little Fox and Little Seed are scared and afraid of what will happen. There are two parts that I always love and that even now Brielle just perked up for as I read aloud again.
“Little Fox thought hard for something to say or something to do that would help his friend not be scared. But he was afraid too. ‘It’s different and scary to be someplace new…but it will be okay, Little Seed.’ Little Seed was not so sure. And neither was Little Fox. But the Farmer was good, and the Farmer was kind, and the Farmer was always watching over them. Even when they didn’t know it.”
I often let Brielle know that I’m scared too. And that I don’t want to lose her and I’d do anything to keep her with me. I’ll hold my belly tight and tell her, “But it will be okay, you will be okay, Mommy is just going to miss you.” And I think that’s why I like the ending of this book so much. Brielle and I may be apart for a long time, but one day we’ll be back together again and we’ll have made it through the dark and scary time.
“Together they made it through the dark and scary time, and together they each learned that the Farmer was good, and the Farmer was kind, and the Farmer was always watching over them. Even in dark, messy places.”